Journal Entries
Ever wonder if you really were dead?
Posted Feb 9, 2004
Ever wonder if you really were dead? How would you know? It’s one possible explanation for the here and now. Yesterday never was and tomorrow will never be. All eternity taking steps half as large as the one before. Always moving forward and never reaching anywhere. Like a mobius strip turning on itself. Maybe I did die last May. How would I know?
Still waiting on hearing from the neurosurgeon. Problem is – I’m not sure what I wan to hear. It’s nothing means the hamster get to keep turning the wheel – never getting anywhere. It’s something has much more interesting options. When there’s no more room to grow, will my head pop like a ripe watermelon or will my brain, such that is, implode? Whoosh. Growing smaller until there is nothing at all.
But I have to get through the MRI of my knee first. Gong to do it ‘cold turkey'- no drugs. This is from someone who has trouble shutting the bathroom door. Btu it doesn’t make any difference if I’m dead. I can scream all I want. No one will hear me. No one does hear me. I used to think it mattered. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Oops, wrong rabbit. He’s not six feet tall nor is he white and running off to have tea with the queen.
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Latest reply: Feb 9, 2004
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Posted Jan 26, 2004
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Latest reply: Jan 26, 2004
An interesting week
Posted Jan 24, 2004
Last Sunday, I volunteered at Winterfest. I spent an entire day out in the snow and ice slip sliding my way across sloping terrain and bridges 
. I played a blindfolded game of tag and helped with ice carvings. I made friends with some wonderful sled dogs. 
Before the exhibits were set up, I spoke with the exhibitor from the local Herp society and asked him if he had any ideas on how to get me past my fear of snakes. When asked how bad was it, I told him I didn't throw up any more by simply touching a picture of a snake. 
By the end of the day, he had handed me the non-business end of a 6 foot king snake. I let it crawl across my hand and wrap it's tail around my wrist. The faces I made had him stifling his laughter. I did wash my hands after handling the snake, but I didn't upchuck. 
Tomorrow I am going out eagle watching at Starved Rock State Park. They guarantee you will see a bald eagle or your money will be refunded. We will be hiking along the bluffs overlooking the river. There will be bridges and stairways which I have been informed are ice-covered and slippery. I am facing a day full of possible/probable triggers. 
Who knows what tomorrow's trip will unearth.
It shall be interesting. 
(ok...so where's the smiley for stupid??? 
)
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Latest reply: Jan 24, 2004
Nothing positive to report
Posted Jan 11, 2004
Every time I try and reach out for help, I manage to screw things up worse.
Once again,I tried to get someone to realize his concerns and needs and once again I blew it.
Why do I even bother to try?
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Latest reply: Jan 11, 2004
Barton's turn in the hospital (sighhhhh)
Posted Nov 22, 2003
Barton is currently in the hospital. He had the flu and managed to dehydrate himself. The doctor wanted me to take him to the emergency room on Tuesday. But you know Barton. He was feeling ‘better’ and wouldn’t go. Yesterday he took four falls…2 in the shower, 1 falling back in the shower and one in the hallway. He had fallen asleep each time. Lee just happened to be over. (Lee got the shower rod and towel rack reattached, etc., etc.) She called me and I came home. He had managed to get back to bed. I gave him the choice of going to St. Alexis(the hospital I thought was going to kill me) by squad or me driving him to Northwest Community. No other options.
Barton looks like he was the M-star in a S & M film. He has welts running the length of his body on one side and bruises and cuts covering the rest of him. To the best of my knowledge, he has yet to show them to any of the doctors or nurses. The ER was standing room only…we had to wait for triage. He got the last gurney available and was waiting in the hall. When someone finally realized that his blood pressure was 71/41 they decided he should be on a monitor and they found a curtain for him. They did a CAT scan (he didn’t remember if he hit his head…it was the only thing not covered with bruises or cuts) and they X-rayed his ankle. Apparently, he had fallen the day before also and hadn’t mentioned anything. Nothing appears to be broken. But they currently have him on IV-antibiotics and they are re-hydrating him. His blood pressure is still low. He will be there for a ‘couple’ of days. It took until this morning to get his medications straightened out and they are still refusing to give him his Provigil (his wakey-up med)…the pharmacist doesn’t approve of it. Needless to say, they are having trouble keeping him awake. To expedite matters, I offered to call the doctor that prescribed it but he said he would handle it. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh
He will be fine, however….
I am stressed past the breaking point.
********************
update to my update...
I have just come back from visiting. He is now getting all of his meds except the salve that finally was helping the diabetic wound on his ankle start healing...the doctors in their infinite wisdom have decided that hydrotherpy is what he needs...sigh (we have a five-person spa that he uses frequently...but). He now has a celulite infection on the flip side of the ankle (and I thought celulite was another word for fat) which is what they are giving him the antibiotics to control. He still thinks he is coming home shortly...however, the nurse has informed me they will not be releasing him until the ankle is healed. I figure he will be home sometime next decade. The infection is causing a lot of pain (a four if he doesn't move at all... 8 or 9 with ANY movement) and he can not current stand on the foo. They have him on a low dose pain killer...they don't want to mask anything?!?!? He still has the chills...but I am now thinking it is more from the infection and pain then the flu. RE: welts, bruises, cuts, etc....unless Barton complains of obvious pain, they are not planning on doing anything...if he had broken something there would be pain. If he had internal injuries, there would be pain. No pain...no anything. 
Our primary care physician is not available and Barton is being treated by doctors who, by their own admission, know nothing about some of the medical problems Barton has. Obviously falling asleep in the shower and muscle weakness have nothing to do with sleep apnea and a narcolepsy-like condition (don't know the name) or myotonic dystrophy...OBVIOUSLY he has a heart condition and is being treated like a cardiac case. The doctor on call has not bothered to check with any of the specialists who have prescribed any of the meds either.
Stress level is growing by the minute. My 'fear' of hospitals doesn't help any (and my stay earlier this year just augmented that fear).
Help guys!
(lurking around messenger - crolsky at hotmail dot com just in case anyone is available to chat. With the changes Barton made to the computer hook-up, I can't access my regular mail account sigh...but I can read his
)
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Latest reply: Nov 22, 2003
Richenda
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