Journal Entries
Good Morning World!
Posted Jul 3, 2003
I still haven't heard from Shawn.
I just left him another 'chatty' message. 
I was going to do it yesterday but I was too busy having fun with H'venlee and PC.
See! I am getting my priorities straight 
My family now knows why we are not talking (Barton spilled the beans yesterday). One of my sisters offered to give me $2500 to 'buy' Angel from Shawn. I appreciate the thought, but without her he can't qualify for public housing assistance or SSI benefits....which means he would have to get a real job. 
She also want to organize a march on Springfield to reinstate grandparents rights in Illinois. Gee, I haven't attending a march since the '60's.
I am almost weaned off my anti-depressants.
I am back to my normal self. I can laugh again.
No more White Rabbit.
But I still have the White Knight 
Worry about what you have control over. It's healthier that way.
Have to wonder if part of my good mood is being pain-free for 12 days now.
Da- da -da- da -da -da -da -da ROTHLMAO (send me your email and you'll understand)
And don't forget to take the Dophin Stess Test F119825?thread=292208
Waiting is!!!
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jul 3, 2003
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore Toto
Posted Jun 26, 2003
I miss my munchkin.
The house did not land on the wicked witch. She lives next door.
I’m not the Scarecrow. I have a brain and it is normal.
I’m not the Tin Man. I have a heart and it is strong.
I’m not the Cowardly Lion. I have the courage (with a little help from my friends) to do what is correct.
Wizards are charlatans…so that must be the medical field in general.
The good witch is not an anti-depressant.
Unlike Doroty, clicking my heels together will not get me my heart's desire.
The white knight tweaked my decision, but didn’t rescue me from my own folly (not passing the blame but I really don’t think I could have made the call without the encouragement) – oops sorry, wrong fantasyland.
It’s time to take affirmative action. The anti-depressants may have calmed down my mood swings, but they have left me emptier than the depression. I don’t enjoy being a zombie and the side effects suck! They do nothing to help the situation. Unless, I feel I have everything possible, I will never get over the depression.
This may tick Shawn off even more. I don’t know. I do know that it is right for me.
Today I sent a letter to Shawn. I will give him a week to respond. If I do not here from him by next Wednesday, I plan on calling him and leaving him an update on the family. I will continue to do that on a weekly basis or until I do here from him. Hopefully, by my persistence, I will be able to break through to him. At least I know I will have kept the avenue of communication open.
What I will not do is go over there. I don’t know Angel’s day care schedule and do not want to further exacerbate the situation by her see me and not being able to speak with me.
If, after a reasonable amount of time, I still do not hear from him, I will ask someone else to try and confront him.
Any volunteers?
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Latest reply: Jun 26, 2003
A new counselor!
Posted Jun 24, 2003
I have a new counselor. N has some hopes. At least I didn’t reject her after the first visit . She is willing to use the non-traditional use of PTS and didn’t recommend any self help books. She does want me to do some relaxation exercises. Thinks I need to know how to relax. Who ME! 
She only made one off-beat comment. “Kids are resilient. She’ll get over it.” I thought about that one over night and called her office the next morning. The comment I left her, “That sounds more like the comment an abuser who make than one I would expect coming from a therapist.” She called me back and we discussed the matter. She ‘claimed’ I misunderstood what she was getting at and that she meant Angel would get over this whole incident when Shawn and I reconciled. For the life of me, I can not figure out what I told her why she thinks reconciliation is possible. It’s a hope that I can not currently let myself hold, yet.
I have now been on Zoloft for almost 2 weeks. If the side effects don’t lessen, I am going to have to stop. They are just as bad as the depression. 
And the medical testing goes on. I reran blood work 10 days ago and still don’t have any results. Tomorrow I go to the pain clinic. And today I’m going in for an MRI…I plan on being tranquillized to the hilt. I am extremely claustrophobia and even thinking about it makes me start hyperventilating.
Updates as they become available.
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Latest reply: Jun 24, 2003
A rude awakening.... ;-)
Posted Jun 20, 2003
Having fallen over talking with Barton and PC at around 10:30 this evening, one might wonder why it is now 2:24am and I am up here posting....
shaking like a leaf, I might add.
For those of you who have been here, remember the wall of books that we USED to have in our bedroom?
(For those of you who haven't seen our bedroom, the former bookshelf wall was 12' long and stretched from floor to ceiling. Each shelf was precisely the height of a paperback book.)
I say used to have because a few minutes ago I was awoken by a very loud series of sounds of groaning wood and a paperback 'waterfall' followed by Barton bursting out of the bathroom to find out if I was ok.
The shelves decided to rip themselves loose, spewing out books even better than PC . The only things that are holding it up is a smaller bookshelf that is still attached to the perpendicular wall and the cocktail table that got temporarily moved in front of the shelves over a month ago.
We started to pull off books and have filled several large trash bags. Barton has decided that the shelves are not going anywhere else tonight. They are at about an 80 degree angle at one end and nearly upright at the other. Most of the books are still on them.
Pushing books aside, he has now gone to bed. I, on the other hand, am going to sleep (?!?!?) in the guest room. If and when, I stop shaking.
Oh well. They needed alphabetizing. 
It could have been worse. The stereo wall is just on the other side of the book wall
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Latest reply: Jun 20, 2003
Hear Ye, Hear Ye, I got in to see a counselor.
Posted Jun 16, 2003
When I set up my appointment, I let the intake worker know I had been in counseling before and need to be set up with someone who was familiar with PTS. They set me up for an appointment on Saturday at 9.
They told me to make sure I got there a half hour early to fill in paper. There is NO way possible to fill in the paperwork in only a half hour. No, that’s not exactly accurate, if you don’t have any problems, physical or medical history to complete or have never taken any meds, you might get the paperwork finished.
Counselor called me in and as we were walking to her office, I let her know I hadn’t finished the form. No problem, we had a 45 minutes session scheduled and she was going to go over it with me. Great, she was actually going to look at it…we started out with some hope that she just might be competent.
We got to her office and she handed me some literature to read about where it call if I couldn’t make an appointment, how if I needed to cancel an appointment I must give 24 hours notice or would be billed for the missed appointment , etc. While I was reading that, J (to protect me from a libel suit) started reading over the forms I had filled out. One of the first questions was “Why are you seeking help” – My answer PTS and depression.
I finished my reading. She finished hers. J proceeded to go through the form with me. The only medical question was asked, was what is RSD? When I told her what it stood for, she didn’t bother to let me explain that one of the effects of RSD is it causes depression do to constant and pain and lack of sleep. We went through operations and meds, both present and past. When I told her I was on Zoloft, her answer, good, keep taking it.
Then we got to the all important questions, are you suicidal now or have you tried in the past and have you had suicidal thoughts etc. Let her know my thoughts regarding anti-depressants and suicide (I have been on them once before with the same thoughts) and this is when she started to look worried. Wanted to know how recently I had those thoughts and I told her this week. But I also let her know it was my way of crying for help. About this time, I let her know I had majored in psychology. She was rapidly making notes.
We proceeded through the rest of her present – past questions without anything being questioned.
The came the important question: Why are you here?
I told her I had PTS and gave her the thumbnail description of my past – the fall last year and the flashbacks it produced (which was what lead me to seek counseling in the first place – also mentioned I was in a wonderful support group out on the internet), How I had been doing well until the hiking trip when the PTS got triggered off again bringing with it a kaleidoscope of other memories….abusive first marriage, being held up at knife point when I was seven months pregnant, being raped at eighteen, as a child acting as referee for my parents. Explained the whole incident with Shawn and Angel and let her know that Angel is the light of my live and my main reason for living. Yes, I know what I did was the right thing, but now who does she have to protect her? And a key, if minor fact, that I never even got to say goodbye.
Here it comes!
Are you ready for it?
Tada!!!!!!!!
“Sure you’ve had your share of trauma. But. PTS can not be brought on by an accident, abuse, rape, or being held up at knife point, it takes a significant event! These are all things that happened in your past. Get over them.
As for Shawn and Angel. Which is more important, knowing you did the right thing in reporting the abuse or how you feel? Think of them as dead and get through the grieving process. You need to get on with your life.”
(this may not have been a direct quote, but it’s d*mn close)
At this point we were very near our time limit.
Having summed up my problems in these two paragraphs, she proceeded to ask me what I expected to get out of counseling. I told her the most important thing I needed to accomplish was handling the Shawn/Angel problem. That I can’t cope and that is why I was on meds and seeking counseling. Also I needed to work on being able to hear a dog bark, because that triggered the PTS and sent me into crying fits.
She told me I had to eliminate ‘can’t’ from my vocabulary. She gave me a 19 page handout title, “Twelve Forms of Twisted Think or Polarized Thinking” by David Burns, Phd. It contained stuff to read and homework to do and proceeded to tell me we would read it together at our next session. It would take too much space to post it all here, but there is dot com site called feelinggood. She obliviously copied it from the book, but the site does include a lot of what she handed me.
Barton, PC and I read it over on Saturday night. It was better than going to a comedy club. I’m surprised one of us didn’t die laughing. Sometime this week, we are going to scan it into the computer. If any of you want a copy, please let me know. You can write to me at my yahoo address, richendamorgan. I’ll reply back from my real email account.
A couple of things that are just too ‘good’ not to share. “Feeling Good is the book most frequently “prescribed” for depressed patients by psychiatrists and psychologists in the United States and Canada. Surveys indicated that the American mental health professionals fate Feeling Good as the #1 book on depression, out of a list of 1,000 self-help book. Dr. Burns’ Feeling Good Handbook was rated #2.”
Lady, if I wanted to read a self help I’d go to the library and take it out for free…not pay you to read it to me!
From “Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking. – the experimental technique. Do an experiment to test the validly of your negative thought. For example, if, during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you’re about to die of a heart attack, you could jog or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong."
Hmmm, if I had tried this instead of going to the hospital, could Barton have had a law suit to cover wrongful death? The doctors certainly thought I might be just a little tachy. After all, my heart rate was 170.
“When a particularly bothersome negative thought occurs, I will write it down, then cross it out and write, “CANCEL” over it.” “I will discard the negative beliefs that hold me back. I will write them down, tear the paper in little pieces and throw them away.” When thoughts that I have canceled or discarded recur, I will tell myself, that’s canceled”, or “I no longer believe that.”
Get real! Writing down my thoughts on rape or abuse, etc. etc. and writing CANCEL on them is not going to make them go away. It happened. It was real. There is no way to undo them.
Well, needless to say, I will be calling the mental health center today and try to be assigned to a different counselor. Maybe I should bring J some literature on PTS…before she does someone some real harm.
Updates as they become available!
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Latest reply: Jun 16, 2003
Richenda
Researcher U223570
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