Journal Entries
Medical update and the pursuit of peace
Posted Jun 13, 2003
Monday I did my follow-up with my primary care physician. Caught him up on the ‘horror’ story. Let him know what was prescribed and that I hadn’t filled any of it. We are re-running all the blood work on Saturday. When he gets the results, then we will decide on the proper meds. He did seem a trifle surprised that the cardiologist give me a type-2 beta blocker (especially at the dosage given) and did not tell me to stop taking the diuretic I was using to lower blood pressure. He said that at best, I might be pre-diabetic, however the diuretic I was taking might have effected the sugar levels. He also said that stress could have had an effect also. All I could do was laugh! When he asked if I was under any stress, I told him on a scale of one to ten, it was about a 400!
We decided that we needed to work on the stress first. Knowing how against taking anti-depressants I am, he mentioned medication in passing. He gave me the number to set up a claim with my HMO who then gave me the number for the mental health center. I called the intake working first thing Tuesday morning and got her voice mail. “Blah, blah, blah…if this is a crisis situation, hang up and call 9-1-1 or call the mental health center directly. If this is not a crisis, leave the following information…..I know you need the soonest appointment possible and I will return you call promptly.” She called back Wednesday afternoon. I was away from my desk and called her within 2 minutes of her call. No response. I proceeded to call every fifteen minutes and went to voice mail each time. I called again first thing this morning. On today’s message I suggested that she put a time frame on her voice-mail since obviously my idea of call promptly and hers were different. I told her that people seeking help needed to know when to expect a call. If I knew it would not be for a day, or 3 days, it certainly would cut down on my anxiety.
While I waited for her to call back, just for grins and giggles, I took an “are you depressed?” quiz on one of my mental health sites. Based on my answer, it referred me to another site with another quiz. The results of the second quiz said that I am at risk of harming myself and should contact 9-1-1 immediately. Imagine that!
Well, I have heard back from the intake worker. I have an appointment set up for Saturday a.m. with a counselor that is supposed to be familiar with PTS and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in mid-July. I also left a message for my primary letting him know I didn’t think that I could wait for July and I was ready to try the Zoloft that he had suggested over a year ago. Nurse just called back and said meds have been ordered.
Over the weekend, a well-meaning friend told me I should stop concentrating on other people’s problems and work on mine. Helping others with their problems makes me feel useful…I have a major in psychology with a minor in sociology. I need to feel it wasn’t completely wasted. My job certainly doesn’t challenge me, but it has good insurance and so far has managed to keep a roof over our heads.
Two things happened this week that normally would have had me bubbling all over the boards. One I didn’t even acknowledge 
and the other I mentioned in an email as an afterthought. (sigh) Where has joy gone?
Of course, my main (but not only) concern with using an anti-depressant is a deliberate overdose. It is the only way I have considered committing suicide. Yes, I know that Barton has any number of meds in the house that would work but I think he would blame himself if I used those. So it would have to be my own. But I don’t think I’m strong enough to do it, though. It’s still harder to die than to live. But just in case, I’ve asked him to keep track of the meds.
I know what the problem is, but I can’t do anything positive about it. I could try and pass the blame, but I would only be lying to myself. I made a bad decision and too many innocents have to suffer with it. It wouldn’t be fair for me to die. They don’t have that option. I should suffer along with them. Why couldn’t I have only messed up my life? Why the h*ll did I have to pull others in with me? I’m so tired of all the pain. I am out of control.
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Jun 13, 2003
The forgotten post 5/28 :-)
Posted Jun 13, 2003
Poor post…with the hospital stay and everything it just never got posted. I started writing it before Barton went into the hospital and finished before I went in. It’s still important enough to post. In some ways, it’s even more poignant now. Oh yeah, the scripting on the project is done, B brought home a check that helped cover June’s mortgage, and I’m still having nightmares.
===============================================
Sometimes it takes a reality check to put things in perspective. Saturday night was a reality check. As we sat there in the emergency room, I got to thinking. This wasn’t our first trip to the ER and I am damned sure it will not be the last one. This trip wasn’t even truly an emergency. It didn’t have even an inkling of being life-threatening, only life-style threatening. We had just come back from a Passion Party and I joked that you had better not die before we got to try out our purchases. We all laughed. I make light of the really important things. Not that I need to tell you, but what I was really saying is you had better not die because I couldn’t face the world without you.
But reality check or not. What I started writing last week is still important.
It’s nice to be busy. It’s good to help friends. It keeps your mind off your own problems. It’s a good thing.
Problem is…for the moment I have time to think.
I’m having trouble sleeping, again. I fall right over but I don’t stay asleep. Most of the time, it’s pain that wakes. Lately, it’s been nightmares. I know what’s triggering them, but I don’t have any control over the situation. Money is a biggie. So far, the only bills we have managed to pay on a semi-regular basis is the mortgage and car loan. Without ‘loans’ from family and friends, it wouldn’t have even been semi-regular. We’ve already put at least one car loan payment on a credit card…that isn’t paying, it’s stalling. My check only goes so far. B hasn’t brought in a regular check in almost three years. Currently, we should be seeing a check for some unknown amount three weeks from whenever. Project is on hold, again, pending hearing from Japan. Gives B and his co-consultant time to breathe and slow down, but it doesn’t bring in any money. There is no place else to ‘borrow’ for June’s mortgage payment. We’re fresh out of miracles.
B isn’t lazy. He’s a perfectionist. Nothing is ever perfect. There’s always something to do to make it better. So nothing ever gets completed. There is always another bell or whistle. His current project was scheduled to last a month. It was due last November. It is still not done. We have been at T minus 3 days and counting since March. (However, since I started writing this the scripting is done-he finished last Friday) It is the longest 3 days of my life. The project has gotten too big. He can’t keep it all in his head. Once he could and this bothers him. His medical problems are getting worse and they effect his ability to concentrate, to remember, to think. This terrifies him. This is part of what caused his PTS (which he finally admits having) but it started long before the first memory issue). I wish I could earn enough so he did not have to work at this. He could be a writer – do something creative. He’s working on one of his plays again. I’ve seen the poetry he’s posted. He won’t write for me. I wish he would. I can’t earn enough at a second job. I still need help. Twelve years ago we made it on this salary. Why can’t we do it now?
But moneys not the issue. Not really. Traditional wedding vows sum it up nicely, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. You are mine forever.
Money lets me concentrate on something minor the stone holding the volcano. It has to push harder. Now there’s a new storm brewing.
The other nightmares are of dead and dying children. They are crying in fear, lost and alone. It has been 4-1/2 weeks since I have heard from my son and more importantly, from my granddaughter. I have no idea what the outcome from my abuse report. I don’t know if my granddaughter is with my son or if she is in state custody. In the past, when things got rough, he has looked into placing her for adoption. We have tried to reach him three times. He has caller-id so he knows that it is us that is phoning. He has not returned any calls.
His daughter has become an unwitting pawn in all this. I can not begin to speculate what she is feeling or what he has told her. They lived with us for the first 37 months of her life. Since she was born, I have watched her every Monday night. Most recently I was watching her four days a week (plus the occasional sleep over, etc. etc.). The days we didn’t see her, we spoke on the phone. When she was 22 months old, her mother walked out on them and has had no contact since. She still talks about her mom. She still misses her. She has convinced herself that mommy died and is in heaven (her way of coping with mommy not being here).
Now grandma and grandpa are gone. WHAT IS THIS DOING TO HER??????????
I know what it is doing to me.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jun 13, 2003
Black Saturday - May 31, 2003
Posted Jun 4, 2003
I want to share something I wrote staring out my hospital window in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I need first off to reassure you that my mood is no longer the blackest of the black, but more like a paler shade of gray. Barton read it and asked to take it home with him for safe keeping. He said if anyone on staff saw it, I would be in a psychiatric ward quicker than I knew what happened. H’venlee read it which prompted her Hope (F124104?thread=282329) posting. PC read it all the time fighting back tears. Barton tried to turn a horror story into a comedy with his gather round posting (F119825?thread=282110). His way of coping. On the way home from the hospital, he admitted to me that I had scared the h*ll out of him. Nothing I have ever done or said before has ever scared him.
This post is filled with despair, utter loss of hope and knowledge of death. It was my way of saying good bye to my family and friends. It’s not many times, that a person has a chance to write what will be read at their own funeral.
(BTW..check out my lasted posting to F119825?thread=270713-it's a follow up to something mentioned below )
You will see names you don’t know (not many). You will see names of friends out here. You may even see your own name.
When I can accurately assess how I feel, I will do a follow up post. I am in decompression mode. I always manage to stay strong during a crisis, but fall apart afterwards. No. Maybe that isn’t quite true. 
(what an interesting thought..as I just sat rereading and realizing that rain and pain are so easy to mistype)
You have been forewarned.
****************************
Eulogy
I am going to die on Monday. Whether it will be both in body and in spirit, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Death is merely a change of existence – moving from one plane to another. Yesterday I was terrified. Today I have accepted it.
I am sitting here wistfully looking out the window, watching night turn into day. It’s wet and windy. The type of day I love to go walking in – my tears blend in with the rain. It’s good to walk in the rain - it hids so much. Maybe it will be sunny tomorrow. It would be good to see the sun one more time.
There are so many things and people I would have liked to see, to visit, to do. Barton, I wish I could have grown old with you. With all your medical problems I was so sure I was going to loose you first. Even before we married, I had resigned myself to that. How are you going to function now? I love you sweetie and I’ll be waiting. But for a little while, you’re going to have to do it on your own. I’m sorry, hon, but this time it really was my fault. If I had been strong enough to get better on my own, never would have had to pull you into my life only to have to leave. I take exception to the saying, better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all. Love hurts.
I wish I could have seen Angel one more time. I really believe that not knowing what happened to her after the ‘alleged’ abuse incident five weeks ago, is what truly killed me. I have been dead for weeks and just haven’t known it. If you get the chance, please let her know I loved her and I was trying to keep her safe. As usual, I did more harm than good. I just wish I hadn’t involved an innocent child. She has already gone through so much. Life isn’t fair.
Shawn, I still love you, but I don’t like you. You are a carbon copy of your father. Even his genes dominated mine. If my genes were not as submissive, maybe just maybe would could have turned out better. Well, that’s my fault too.
Then there is family. Enough said. You can choose your friends but not your family. As much as we fought like cats and dogs, in a pinch we were there for each other.
Friends both old and new. Judy – you’ve been at every life cycle event since we were five. We always knew that there would be one that only one of us would attend. Sheryl, you taught me to end each conversation with I love you. It used to make me feel uncomfortable until you explained you wanted people to know you were thing of them – just in case you died. Cyrl, we’ve had our differences but unlike Bonnie, I can forgive the ‘sunglasses’. You are a true friend. And, Bonnie – you taught me how to recognize the important things in life. I’ll be seeing you again soon.
To my hoo2 friends – far and near. Kaz and Mikey – sorry I won’t be here to meet you in person. It would have been nice. Willim, Jellen, Abbi, Terri and all the rest of my long distance support friends, please help B he’s going to need your support. To my near friends, H’venlee, PC and Krispy. Barton needs you guys here in the flesh to help him out. It will be awhile before we’ll be together. Waiting is. PC – you *are* beautiful, both inside and out. Please heal enough to see this for yourself. Krispy, my new found love, Barton will need you most.
I always wanted to hike back into the Grand Canyon, see the regrowth of Yellowstone, so see and feel the power of Stonehenge, to touch the Kotel again. It won’t happen on this plane of existence. Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel leads to even more wonderful places. It’s a one-way journey. I’ll find out Monday.
“Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.”
I had only just begun to find myself. The scary parts were just starting to come out. With the help of my friends, I was starting to put the pieces back together. Friends are important. Barton, you are the most important of all –
“This is my beloved, this is my friend’
So Monday I die. Either the physical body will cease to exist and I will cross over in a blaze of glory or only a part of me will die – death of the body is preferable. I can not cope with dying a little piece at a time. I will no longer be who I am today, or will it be who I might have been. It will be the final break with the reality I never dreamed possible and that came so close only to slip away. The body might still be here, it will answer to my name, it will go through the motions but it won’t be me.
Hey look on the bright side. Just because I can not nor will not know/accept this new person, she may not be beyond your help (should you accept the assignment, Mr. Phelps)
So long and thanks for all the fish.
Candace Rolsky4/8/49 – 6/2/03
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 4, 2003
Black Saturday - June 30. 2003
Posted Jun 3, 2003
I want to share something I wrote staring out my hospital window in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I need first off to reassure you that my mood is no longer the blackest of the black, but more like a paler shade of gray. Barton read it and asked to take it home with him for safe keeping. He said if anyone on staff saw it, I would be in a psychiatric ward quicker than I knew what happened. H’venlee read it which prompted her Hope (F124104?thread=282329) posting. PC read it all the time fighting back tears. Barton tried to turn a horror story into a comedy with his gather round posting (F119825?thread=282110). His way of coping. On the way home from the hospital, he admitted to me that I had scared the h*ll out of him. Nothing I have ever done or said before has ever scared him.
This post is filled with despair, utter loss of hope and knowledge of death. It was my way of saying good bye to my family and friends. It’s not many times, that a person has a chance to write what will be read at their own funeral.
(BTW..check out my lasted posting to F119825?thread=270713-it's a follow up to something mentioned below)
You will see names you don’t know (not many). You will see names of friends out here. You may even see your own name.
When I can accurately assess how I feel, I will do a follow up post. I am in decompression mode. I always manage to stay strong during a crisis, but fall apart afterwards. No. Maybe that isn’t quite true.
(what an interesting thought..as I just sat rereading and realizing that rain and pain are so easy to mistype)
You have been forewarned.
***************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Eulogy
I am going to die on Monday. Whether it will be both in body and in spirit, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Death is merely a change of existence – moving from one plane to another. Yesterday I was terrified. Today I have accepted it.
I am sitting here wistfully looking out the window, watching night turn into day. It’s wet and windy. The type of day I love to go walking in – my tears blend in with the rain. It’s good to walk in the rain - it hids so much. Maybe it will be sunny tomorrow. It would be good to see the sun one more time.
There are so many things and people I would have liked to see, to visit, to do. Barton, I wish I could have grown old with you. With all your medical problems I was so sure I was going to loose you first. Even before we married, I had resigned myself to that. How are you going to function now? I love you sweetie and I’ll be waiting. But for a little while, you’re going to have to do it on your own. I’m sorry, hon, but this time it really was my fault. If I had been strong enough to get better on my own, never would have had to pull you into my life only to have to leave. I take exception to the saying, better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all. Love hurts.
I wish I could have seen Angel one more time. I really believe that not knowing what happened to her after the ‘alleged’ abuse incident five weeks ago, is what truly killed me. I have been dead for weeks and just haven’t known it. If you get the chance, please let her know I loved her and I was trying to keep her safe. As usual, I did more harm than good. I just wish I hadn’t involved an innocent child. She has already gone through so much. Life isn’t fair.
Shawn, I still love you, but I don’t like you. You are a carbon copy of your father. Even his genes dominated mine. If my genes were not as submissive, maybe just maybe would could have turned out better. Well, that’s my fault too.
Then there is family. Enough said. You can choose your friends but not your family. As much as we fought like cats and dogs, in a pinch we were there for each other.
Friends both old and new. Judy – you’ve been at every life cycle event since we were five. We always knew that there would be one that only one of us would attend. Sheryl, you taught me to end each conversation with I love you. It used to make me feel uncomfortable until you explained you wanted people to know you were thing of them – just in case you died. Cyrl, we’ve had our differences but unlike Bonnie, I can forgive the ‘sunglasses’. You are a true friend. And, Bonnie – you taught me how to recognize the important things in life. I’ll be seeing you again soon.
To my hoo2 friends – far and near. Kaz and Mikey – sorry I won’t be here to meet you in person. It would have been nice. Willim, Jellen, Abbi, Terri and all the rest of my long distance support friends, please help B he’s going to need your support. To my near friends, H’venlee, PC and Krispy. Barton needs you guys here in the flesh to help him out. It will be awhile before we’ll be together. Waiting is. PC – you *are* beautiful, both inside and out. Please heal enough to see this for yourself. Krispy, my new found love, Barton will need you most.
I always wanted to hike back into the Grand Canyon, see the regrowth of Yellowstone, so see and feel the power of Stonehenge, to touch the Kotel again. It won’t happen on this plane of existence. Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel leads to even more wonderful places. It’s a one-way journey. I’ll find out Monday.
“Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.”
I had only just begun to find myself. The scary parts were just starting to come out. With the help of my friends, I was starting to put the pieces back together. Friends are important. Barton, you are the most important of all –
“This is my beloved, this is my friend’
So Monday I die. Either the physical body will cease to exist and I will cross over in a blaze of glory or only a part of me will die – death of the body is preferable. I can not cope with dying a little piece at a time. I will no longer be who I am today, or will it be who I might have been. It will be the final break with the reality I never dreamed possible and that came so close only to slip away. The body might still be here, it will answer to my name, it will go through the motions but it won’t be me.
Hey look on the bright side. Just because I can not nor will not know/accept this new person, she may not be beyond your help (should you accept the assignment, Mr. Phelps)
So long and thanks for all the fish.Candace Rolsky4/8/49 – 6/2/03
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 3, 2003
I just might be getting a 'handle' on one of my problems
Posted May 14, 2003
Last night I found myself in a fight/flight situation. My 'normal' reaction would have been to send an email (not as strange as it sounds-we met online) and then 'runaway' - my way of coping with situations I do not or can not face (get the h*ll out of there, take a walk, hide, go away). As I sat down to type, I waylaid myself by reading some archived conversations … no they weren't written to me or for me … but they were accessible by me so it didn't feel too much like spying.
Luckily, by reading what I read, I managed to put things in perspective and defuse myself.
I did not write the email. However, I did something radical. I started a conversation. But, what is even more surprising is I did it in a non-confrontational way. Right now I'm working on the concept "it's ok to think about yourself first." My opening to this discussion …"help me find a way to cope." Rather than starting the conversation with a 'red flag', I started it with a plea for help.
Do you know the four word sentence you never use to start a conversation with a man?
Can you guess what is going to trigger the 'what's wrong NOW' part of their brain?
It has to do with the basic difference in the way men and women view relationships. Guys tend to think the less need for discussion there is, the better the relationship is going. Women, however, feel the more discussion about the relationship there is, the better the relationship.
(
Feedback wanted - do you agree or disagree and why.)
I kept it simple. I realize now that sometimes the less information I give, the easier it is for a guy to understand my problem. (note to self…K.I.S.S.)
Wish I had realized that long ago. Would have eased some of the tension that our conversations have caused in the past.
Oh, by the way, just in case you haven't guessed. The four words sentence a man hates to hear is,
"We need to talk."
Discuss this Journal entry [13]
Latest reply: May 14, 2003
Richenda
Researcher U223570
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."