Journal Entries
Yes
Posted Apr 25, 2003
yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
Boy am I glad I got that out of my system. 
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Latest reply: Apr 25, 2003
I was wrong (what a surprise)
Posted Apr 16, 2003
I truly felt I was going to be posting on my black site today. I am amazed I’m here instead. Today’s critical problem isn’t solved, but it is defused, for now. True, we paid the mortgage, car payment and state taxes with a credit card. So in reality we didn’t pay anything but did manage to acquire more debt. Federal taxes will go on a payment plan. So, at least for the present, the financial monster is back in his cage. He’ll start rattling the bars real soon, but not today.
For today, for at least this moment, I am not at odds with myself.
Went hiking again this weekend. Ok walking Hiking is pushing it just a bit. Me with my fear of falling, my friend with her fear of heights, playing I dare you. In retrospect it was stupid…but at the same time necessary. Crossing beaver dams, jumping from one side of the water to the other, wandering close to the edge of the ravine. Watching her slip on the wet, leaf-covered mud. She was laughing, but I’m not so sure even she would have found it funny if she realize how close to possibly break an ankle/leg she was (self you have just been triggered!). The foot that slipped was between a tree root and the mud slide. Any further and she would have been pinned. Getting to a place where we had to jump…not a big fall if we missed .. but a fall notwithstanding. Standing there saying, I can do this, I can do this, no I can’t , yes I can, I DID IT! Facing fears.
Facing fears. What a novel concept.
Neither one of us was tracking. We figured eventually we would come out somewhere and could find the car park at that point. When we decided to head back, we spent a lot of time commenting on how well we did in finding our way back to the clearing where we ended the woods. Yep it WAS the clearing, only we came back to a place 90 degrees from where we started. So much for knowing where we were.
Analogous to life, in a way.
As we ambled back along the path to civilization and the car park came in view, we decided we weren’t quite ready to face mundania quite yet. So, we took another detour. We headed up the last hill (ok, incline) chatting aimlessly. About a third of way up the conversation came to a screeching halt. Our focus changed to breathing.
Let’s put things in perspective. Time to concentrate on the basics.
Sounding like two steam engines, we reached the top. Attempting to laugh, weakly I might add, we simultaneously said, “I’m getting too old for this.” “Want to do it again tomorrow?” “Sure” (sidebar-Sunday we made it 90% of the way up before sounding like the little engines who could-we will-next week we just might make it to the top)
So, where is this all going? Darned if I know.. I think I’ll try to concentrate on one fear/problem at a time. Sometimes I’ll backslide, but that’s ok too. There are no straight paths through the forest.
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Latest reply: Apr 16, 2003
Today IS a happy day - (warning - does contain references to dead animals and people)
Posted Apr 11, 2003
My goal for today is not to let anything bring me down. I counted eleven dead animals on the way to work. I feel sorry for them, but it's not *my* fault that they are dead.
I have spent 3-1/12 hours at work - approximately 10 minutes was spent doing work related items - the rest of the time I was playing. That's ok too. If they want to pay me for surfing, who am I to complain - even though, after a while, surfing 'does' get a bit boring.
Had one scary moment today. Last night I realized I had left this notebook on my desk and when I got in this morning, I couldn't find it. It had the rough drafts of my previous journal entries along with some of the stuff from my 'black' web page - that's where the truly terrifying stuff goes. Even I avoid reading it.
Well, yesterday is gone. Today I can face at least one of yesterday's problems - the car payment is late. Oh well, I can't change that no matter how hard I try. What can't be changed must be endured. Smile, it could get worse - it could be next Tuesday. Warning to all concerned, if you think yesterday's post was 'black', you ain't seen nothing yet! Maybe I should save that one for my 'black' webpage. Probably safer for all concerned.
Enough on that line - today is a happy day.
Nothing planned for later - no physical therapy, no babysitting. I can take a lunch break - not to eat but to take a walk - remember the 200/3000 goal 
. Right now, I'm at about 232/200 - but it's a start. IF, no make that WHEN, I hit either part of that goal, that will be some post to catch.
It's weird. This really shouldn't be a happy day. RSD is flaring up and I'm hovering between and eight and a nine on my pain scale. I'm not going to drug myself - not quite yet. I am trying to grok the pain. Perhaps if I can grok it on a happy day, I will be able to cope with it on a 'black' day.
On my way home, I think I'll stop at the woods and go walking. I'm feeling kind of nostalgic. Missing friends who aren't here at the moment. Some who I'll see again on this plane of existence and others not until the next. My telephone friend, Annette, we saw each other maybe once a year (and she was a local) but, for hours on end, we spoke almost every day. My friend Bonnie. Most of the time, she got me so frustrated. I could take her in small doeses. What I won't give just to be able to have one small dose now. But, if I can maintain a Martian viewpoint of death, she is simply an Old One now and I can consult her anytime I want. In fact, I think I'll invite both of them to come walking with me.
(hmm...just typed in title...guess I really do miss my dog, Merlin, too. Bryce and Molly have some BIG paws to fill)
My corporate friends are a little trickier. I'll just have to pretend they are here. (Note to self: next time, when you play hooky from work, suggest walking in woods - much healthier than drinking coffee and each step will contain memories shared ).
And then, there's my cyber-friends. CS, I miss you most of all. Are you still turning people into six inch high frogs or was that only one special frog you made? Are you still waiting in Erewhon? I can't get back there from here. Maybe you could come and visit me? I really need to find you, but I don't know the way. 
Quickly, changing subjects...
Argh, my computer at work is driving me crazy. So I wont' have to edit this when I post, I have avoided using formatting. When I try to set a word off with asterisks, it bolds the word. When I type colon, dash, end parenthesis, I get a smiley face. My computer is haunted.
Oh, good. Lunchtime. Time to work on my 200/3000 goal!
Oh yeah. One last thing, I know what makes today a happy day. I am at peace with myself.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Apr 11, 2003
Today IS a happy day - (warning - does contain references to dead animals and people)
Posted Apr 11, 2003
My goal for today is not to let anything bring me down. I counted eleven dead animals on the way to work. I feel sorry for them, but it's not *my* fault that they are dead.
I have spent 3-1/12 hours at work - approximately 10 minutes was spent doing work related items - the rest of the time I was playing. That's ok too. If they want to pay me for surfing, who am I to complain - even though, after a while, surfing 'does' get a bit boring.
Had one scary moment today. Last night I realized I had left this notebook on my and when I got in this morning, I couldn't find it. It had the rough drafts of my previous journal entries along with some of the stuff from my 'black' web page - that's where the truly terrifying stuff goes. Even I avoid reading it.
Well, yesterday is gone. Today I can face at least one of yesterday's problems - the car payment is late. Oh well, I can't change that no matter how hard I try. What can't be changed must be endured. Smile, it could get worse - it could be next Tuesday. Warning to all concerned, if you think yesterday's post was 'black', you ain't seen nothing yet! Maybe I should save that one for my 'black' webpage. Probably safer for all concerned.
Enough on that line - today is a happy day.
Nothing planned for later - no physical therapy, no babysitting. I can take a lunch break - not to eat but to take a walk - remember the 200/3000 goal . Right now, I'm at about 232/200 - but it's a start. IF, no make that WHEN, I hit either part of that goal, that will be some post to catch.
It's weird. This really shouldn't be a happy day. RSD is flaring up and I'm hovering between and eight and a nine on my pain scale. I'm not going to drug myself - not quite yet. I am trying to grok the pain. Perhaps if I can grok it on a happy day, I will be able to cope with it on a 'black' day.
On my way home, I think I'll stop at the woods and go walking. I'm feeling kind of nostalgic. Missing friends who aren't here at the moment. Some who I'll see again on this plane of existence and others not until the next. My telephone friend, Annette, we saw each other maybe once a year but for hours on end, we spoke almost every day. My friend Bonnie. Most of the time, she got me so frustrated. I could take her in small doeses. What I won't give just to be able to have one small dose now. But, if I can maintain a Martian viewpoint of death, she is simply an Old One now and I can consult her anytime I want. In fact, I think I'll invite both of them to come walking with me.
(hmm...just typed in title...guess I really do miss my dog, Merlin, too. Bryce and Molly have some BIG paws to fill)
My corporate friends are a little trickier. I'll just have to pretend they are here. (Note to self: next time, when you play hooky from work, suggest walking in woods - much healthier than drinking coffee and each step will contain memories shared ).
Argh, my computer at work is driving me crazy. So I wont' have to edit this when I post, I have avoided using formatting. When I try to set a word off with asterisks, it bolds the word. When I type colon, dash, end parenthesis, I get a smiley face. My computer is haunted.
Oh, good. Lunchtime. Time to work on my 200/3000 goal!
Oh yeah. One last thing, I know what makes today a happy day. I am at peace with myself.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Apr 11, 2003
Self-destructive mood (warning trigger - suicidal/destructive thoughts)
Posted Apr 10, 2003
I'm in a self-destructive mood today. Probably shouldn't be behind the wheel of a car. It's so tempting. Pedal to the metal. Flirt with something solid. Maybe a little kiss. Not the tree though. It hasn't done me any harm. Probably not that car either. Bet I had *him* worried doing 45 mph with a pen in one hand and a pad of paper in the other, writing not watching the road. Safety railings are better. Hmmm…$250K in life insurance, another $250K in accidental death insurance (everyone knows my ankle/foot hasn't been working properly…I *could* pull this off). Not a bad legacy. I *am* worth more dead than alive.
Car payment's due today. The IRS and the mortgage company want their pound of flesh next week. The credit card companies are clamoring for their money. And so it goes. Can't divide 200/3000 and come up positive. I'm learning to 'cope' with everything except money problems. (No I can't, but those are the easiest to face). Too bad. I am making a decent salary, just in over my head. If we can just hold out a little longer, maybe I wouldn't have to hold up the whole financial burden, but I feel like the caryatid that has fallen under her stone. She tried so hard but in the end the stone was just too heavy. I just wish I wasn't dragging others down with me. I know he's trying too, but I know I can't possibly convey how terrified I am of being broke.
(yeah, sure *you* know what *else* you're trying to cope with today- talk about being self-destructive-don't hesitate, just get it over with-a little pain is good, let's you remember you're alive-you know it's for the best-why wait to get hurt when you can DO IT YOURSELF)
Erewhon found, but nobody is here.
Why is everyone so cheerful at work today?
That bottle of pills looks sooo inviting.
No, better wait until tomorrow…you have to help someone else who's counting on you out of *their* pit today.
This is the bottom of the pit but I'm still falling.
You can hang on for one more day.
When will tomorrow come?
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Latest reply: Apr 10, 2003
Richenda
Researcher U223570
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