h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I want to share something I wrote staring out my hospital window in the wee hours of Saturday morning. I need first off to reassure you that my mood is no longer the blackest of the black, but more like a paler shade of gray. Barton read it and asked to take it home with him for safe keeping. He said if anyone on staff saw it, I would be in a psychiatric ward quicker than I knew what happened. H’venlee read it which prompted her Hope (F124104?thread=282329) posting. PC read it all the time fighting back tears. Barton tried to turn a horror story into a comedy with his gather round posting (F119825?thread=282110). His way of coping. On the way home from the hospital, he admitted to me that I had scared the h*ll out of him. Nothing I have ever done or said before has ever scared him.

This post is filled with despair, utter loss of hope and knowledge of death. It was my way of saying good bye to my family and friends. It’s not many times, that a person has a chance to write what will be read at their own funeral.

(BTW..check out my lasted posting to F119825?thread=270713-it's a follow up to something mentioned below )

You will see names you don’t know (not many). You will see names of friends out here. You may even see your own name.

When I can accurately assess how I feel, I will do a follow up post. I am in decompression mode. I always manage to stay strong during a crisis, but fall apart afterwards. No. Maybe that isn’t quite true.

(what an interesting thought..as I just sat rereading and realizing that rain and pain are so easy to mistype)

You have been forewarned.

****************************

Eulogy

I am going to die on Monday. Whether it will be both in body and in spirit, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. Death is merely a change of existence – moving from one plane to another. Yesterday I was terrified. Today I have accepted it.

I am sitting here wistfully looking out the window, watching night turn into day. It’s wet and windy. The type of day I love to go walking in – my tears blend in with the rain. It’s good to walk in the rain - it hids so much. Maybe it will be sunny tomorrow. It would be good to see the sun one more time.

There are so many things and people I would have liked to see, to visit, to do. Barton, I wish I could have grown old with you. With all your medical problems I was so sure I was going to loose you first. Even before we married, I had resigned myself to that. How are you going to function now? I love you sweetie and I’ll be waiting. But for a little while, you’re going to have to do it on your own. I’m sorry, hon, but this time it really was my fault. If I had been strong enough to get better on my own, never would have had to pull you into my life only to have to leave. I take exception to the saying, better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all. Love hurts.

I wish I could have seen Angel one more time. I really believe that not knowing what happened to her after the ‘alleged’ abuse incident five weeks ago, is what truly killed me. I have been dead for weeks and just haven’t known it. If you get the chance, please let her know I loved her and I was trying to keep her safe. As usual, I did more harm than good. I just wish I hadn’t involved an innocent child. She has already gone through so much. Life isn’t fair.

Shawn, I still love you, but I don’t like you. You are a carbon copy of your father. Even his genes dominated mine. If my genes were not as submissive, maybe just maybe would could have turned out better. Well, that’s my fault too.

Then there is family. Enough said. You can choose your friends but not your family. As much as we fought like cats and dogs, in a pinch we were there for each other.

Friends both old and new. Judy – you’ve been at every life cycle event since we were five. We always knew that there would be one that only one of us would attend. Sheryl, you taught me to end each conversation with I love you. It used to make me feel uncomfortable until you explained you wanted people to know you were thing of them – just in case you died. Cyrl, we’ve had our differences but unlike Bonnie, I can forgive the ‘sunglasses’. You are a true friend. And, Bonnie – you taught me how to recognize the important things in life. I’ll be seeing you again soon.

To my hoo2 friends – far and near. Kaz and Mikey – sorry I won’t be here to meet you in person. It would have been nice. Willim, Jellen, Abbi, Terri and all the rest of my long distance support friends, please help B he’s going to need your support. To my near friends, H’venlee, PC and Krispy. Barton needs you guys here in the flesh to help him out. It will be awhile before we’ll be together. Waiting is. PC – you *are* beautiful, both inside and out. Please heal enough to see this for yourself. Krispy, my new found love, Barton will need you most.

I always wanted to hike back into the Grand Canyon, see the regrowth of Yellowstone, so see and feel the power of Stonehenge, to touch the Kotel again. It won’t happen on this plane of existence. Perhaps the light at the end of the tunnel leads to even more wonderful places. It’s a one-way journey. I’ll find out Monday.

“Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here.”

I had only just begun to find myself. The scary parts were just starting to come out. With the help of my friends, I was starting to put the pieces back together. Friends are important. Barton, you are the most important of all –
“This is my beloved, this is my friend’

So Monday I die. Either the physical body will cease to exist and I will cross over in a blaze of glory or only a part of me will die – death of the body is preferable. I can not cope with dying a little piece at a time. I will no longer be who I am today, or will it be who I might have been. It will be the final break with the reality I never dreamed possible and that came so close only to slip away. The body might still be here, it will answer to my name, it will go through the motions but it won’t be me.

Hey look on the bright side. Just because I can not nor will not know/accept this new person, she may not be beyond your help (should you accept the assignment, Mr. Phelps)

So long and thanks for all the fish.

Candace Rolsky
4/8/49 – 6/2/03