h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Tuesday, September 2 was the day we set aside to ‘confront’ Shawn. We spent three hours at his home. At the beginning of the evening, things were very stilted. Very early on Angel made the comment that we were trying to take her away from daddy and raise her ourselves and that why she couldn’t see us. She wanted to live with daddy. We just let the comment pass. We stayed to ‘safe’ subjects…how much Angel had grown, what was happening with Shawn’s job, how had the summer gone. He let us know he had finally made some friends and that were socializing with several other families with children Angel’s age. We let them know we had just got back from a Bat Mitzvah in Indianapolis. Shawn wanted to know how it was and while I was describing the ‘event’ I commented that it was only the second time I had been in temple all year (I used to go every other week).

At some point in the conversation, he said he had been waiting for us to apologize. I let him know that I did that the second week into this fiasco, but he just wasn’t listening. I also let him know that all my calls were to try and keep the line of communication open. Apologizes were made again and he seemed content.

I let him know that I wanted to speak with him without Angel being around to try and work out what happened in April. He said we could talk in front of her. I clarified what I said as opposed to what he heard. He heard I was trying to take Angel away from him. I said I thought he needed a break away from her. I know how hard it is to be a parent, especially of a handicapped child, and I thought he needed some time for himself. Never did I try to get custody of Angel. I didn’t want it then and I don’t want it now. We let them know we missed them, were concerned about them, loved them and wanted them as part of our family, our lives.

We left on a positive note, with no future plans of any particular time to get together. Shawn was not willing to make any commitments for weekly or bi-weekly visits and we didn’t push for them.

On the way out, we did a family hug and told them we loved them.

Wednesday Shawn came by the house and picked up several items. He asked Barton what our plans for Sunday were. Barton said he didn’t know and to check with me.

I called Shawn Wednesday night. I let him know that Sunday was available. We talked a little more about his job. He wanted to know if there was anything else we needed to talk about that we hadn’t covered on Tuesday. I said currently no but if I thought of anything I would bring it up. I suppose that was my mistake.

He went off the deep end again. He decided I was still trying to run his life and interfere with who he saw, who he dated, how he raised his daughter. Obviously I had not changed my religious intolerance and it was going to keep me from seeing them. (HUH?!?!?!). After all, that is what drove Angel’s mom, Sarah, away in the first place.



When Sarah turned eighteen, her mom threw her out of the house. I offered to let her live with us on the condition she finished high school or got her GED. This is BEFORE I found out she was pregnant with Angel. Sarah is Lutheran. We are Jewish. I let her know that I had no problem with her bringing her Bible into my home but I would not have any displays of religious symbols including a Christmas tree. After all, it was my home and she was a guest in it. I did offer to drive her to church and pick her up afterward but I would not attend with her. The only type of ‘converting’ I did was ask her if she was interested in singing in our choir (half of whom are not Jewish). By her own admission she missed singing in choir.

But more importantly, is what I have told Shawn for the past 18 years. I don’t care who he dates or who he marries, BUT if he wants to keep a relationship with me his children must be raised Jewish. This was stated long before he even thought of dating. The other religious related demand was that ‘as long as he lived in my house’ he would attend one service on the high holy days and join us for one Seder.

When Sarah admitted to being pregnant, I again reiterated my feeling on religion. I let them know they were welcomed to stay in my home until the baby was born. If they decided to raise the child Jewish they were welcomed to stay afterwards otherwise they needed to find their own place to live. It was their choice.

They decided to get married before Angel was due. The wedding was planned for the beginning of November. I let them know that IF they expected me to pay for the wedding it would be done by a rabbi. I would not pay for a non-Jewish wedding (Sarah’s parents were not willing to pay for anything). Again it was their choice…you pay, you do it your way…I pay, you do it my way. They found a rabbi they liked that was willing to do a mixed marriage. We sent out invitation. We invited 125 people!!!!! I still had not gotten any assurance that the child would be raised Jewish.

They later told me they had decided to raise the child Jewish. A month later Angel was born…at 25 weeks! This was two weeks before the scheduled wedding (which was later postponed and never did happen). Angel spent the first 4 months in NICU. Normally a girl child is given her Jewish name at 30 days. Our rabbi suggested we wait until she was home and doing ok…that it should be a joyous occasion. When she was 11 months old, we held her naming ceremony…both sides of the family attended.

Our guest room had been turned into a nursery. Shawn and Sarah were living in his room. We tried to keep two families separate under one roof. That can go only so far. Shawn set up the rules for his family…they were going to be vegetarian, Sarah was going to work, he was going to go to school and he was going to make the decisions for Angel. Sarah was not allowed to see her friends…they were a bad influence but he could go out with his friends whenever. Sarah was expected to do everything. His time was to study and have fun. Sarah finally said she need some time away. At that time, Angel was 22 months. Sarah never came back.

Shawn and Angel continued to live with us until Angel was 37 months. She occasionally attended Friday night services with us and helped me with Shabbat candles. Shawn continued to come to one service a year and one Seder. I took Angel to two or three Saturday morning children services. On the nights I put her to bed, we read from a children’s prayer book…it did not emphasize Judaism, it emphasized God. We lit Chanukah candles. We are not an extremely pious household.

They moved out in November. In December, they had a Christmas tree…Shawn had always wanted one but I would not have one in my house. I brought ornaments and helped decorate it…it was right next to the Menorah. I had no trouble with that…it was his home. What he did in his home was his business.

/end history

Back to my religious intolerance. It had kept him from dating and finding anyone he could consider marrying. He had met several women but didn’t date them because I wouldn’t accept them, etc. etc. etc. I reiterated that I didn’t care who he dated or who he married but if the wedding was not going to be Jewish I would not pay for it. Again he said I was being intolerant. Fine…let’s change it…I will not pay for any wedding…I don’t care if you marry a Jewish women, a Jewish man, a non-Jewish women or a non-Jewish man. I will attend, but I will not pay for a wedding! That was still not good enough. I still was being religiously intolerant.



For several years Shawn wanted to become Buddhist but did not do so while living in my home…nor did he do so after he moved out. He currently says he is not interest in any organized religion. He also says no matter whom he marries, Angel is his child and what he says goes. And for the record, the only time I have disagreed with him on childrearing is in safety/health issues.



The next scenario he brought up was when he married a Christian girl and she brought Angel up to believe in Christ as her Savior, etc. etc. and they came over and they started discussing it in my house…

I made the only compromise I could make. What you do in you home is your business. Don’t bring it in my home. Religion will not be discussed. Do what you want. Just don’t tell me. Don’t ask. Don’t tell. It was still not good enough for him.

For eighteen years I have held fast to the demand that any grandchild of mine be Jewish. I am now willing to compromise…raise her any way you want. Just don’t tell. Even if it is Jewish, don’t tell me. Let me have my hope that you will honor your promise. The promise you made so I wouldn’t throw you out on the street. That I would give you shelter, feed you, cloth you and provide for you and your child and your S/O so neither of you had to work. So you could take advantage of me yet again. The promise you had no intention of keeping.

Now you want me to make the same type of promise. I will allow you to do and say anything in my house. If Angel tries to ‘convert’ me, I will listen and convert, because Daddy says. She has already tried to ‘convert’ us to vegetarianism. I won’t do it. I can’t do it. It is a promise I know I can not keep. I will not do it just to be able to see you and her.

On one hand you say I will do and say anything to see her. How can you trust what I say? And on the other hand you want this promise.

It’s a lose – lose situation.

You have left the door open. When I come around to your way of thinking, I am welcomed back.

But I have seen you and her. You are both looking well and happy.

This time we left with smiles and love and hugs.

I can live with this parting.

Shawn, no matter how hard you try, you are still my child. Whether or not I like you, I will love you no matter what.

Angel, I will love you forever.

Be happy!

Reunion was sweet but short lived
Post: 2

Posted 2 Hours Ago by H'venlee
At least you know they are both ok.



I am always here for you both:

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copied from other thread

There is so much I could add to this, but all of it deals with my perception of Shawn. Right now the important thing is that Richenda managed to find some sense of closure and, more importantly to me, no longer blames me for the situation being out of hand.

I was there, I was happy to see Angel. I was dismayed to see how Shawn had programmed her about the problem. I was happy to see that she was well. I was relieved that he is not apparently physically abusing her. I was relieved that she is still showing love, as opposed to fear or blind obedience, to her father. I was dismayed to see that she has been trained to treat her father's word as absolute and that her life clearly focuses around her father, but this follows simply because I have no great faith that her father is worthy of such trust, either from her or from us.

Shawn has clearly demonstrated that he still has no understanding or willingness to accept that he is capable of making any kind of mistake. He does not take responsibility for his actions and that makes him very dangerous. I worry for him, for us, and, specially, for Angel.

It is all I can do to keep myself from confronting him as a father to a son who is worried about the path he seems to be on. I control myself because I am convinced that any attempt to call his values into question will simply make things worse.

All I can do at this time is hope that he will not do anything that hurts Angel or anyone else (excluding us -- that's another issue entirely) and that if (perhaps, when) he does, that we will be able to salvage Angel's life from the ruins.

Barton