h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Magster, a much better idea is to get Mr Magster to open the bottles for you - if you are lying on your back. Otherwise it will just spill all over you.

That reminds me - I was opeinng a tin of paint last week and it had this plastic strip around it - the instructions "Simply pull tag and break off all round". SIMPLY???? I was hacking at it with a knife, I took scissors to it, I got soooo annoyed with it. Eventually I laid it on its side and brute-forced it with a screwdriver.... yes, you guessed it, half the can on the floor. Yuck.

BTW - how are the floors now they're finished?

We tend to stay for two or three but never indulge in Magster-like quantities because most people have to drive.

Besides, I am knackered and therefore don't want to show my face in public.

Ali, I have the solution. You need to move to a little village where they have a local c****et team and a pub which is within walking distance of everyone's home. You coukd give talks on The Hermitage to the Women;s Institute Your cooking skills will be much in demand and you would win prizes at the county show.

The only problem with this is that you would have to move back in time about 50 years

Hazel that sounds a bit like Ripley in Surrey, lovely pitch backing onto a common, thatched roof on club house which has a lovely bar and eric clapton lives just around the corner. What more could one ask?

Floor...I'm trying to make it grow on me but it isn't.

Simply paint tops......like those tops they put on 6 pints of milk. I always have to use a knife.

I've played at Ripley. There's no cashpoint there.

Hazel, do you have a time-travel machine I could borrow?

Look, I am not bloody sulking, okay?

Hazel, keen on sport as you are, did you hear about England's magnificent win this morning against 'The All Blacks' in the 'rugby union' international?

"The All Blacks"? I thought that segregation in sport had been stopped? No strangely enough I didn't notice that one. Were they playing Basketball? ( I know they have a lot of black players).

I hope you were impressed with my gossip this morning...

Hazel....are you serious????? Surely not?

Ali, why is it a problem not having a cashpoint? One cashes a cheque at the bar dear.

Serious about what Magster????

Oh - if you mean do I really think the "All Blacks" means all black players - no I'm not! I was just exaggerating my lack of knowledge about Sport. I do think a lot of sports teams have very silly names though ,

Yes, I was, Hazel. I also heard something about some association footballer called Buckham going to Heal Madrid but you have obviously done your homework!

Yes, Magster, but that means I have to find room for my cheque-book in my big cricket bag.

Rugby union is similar to basketball but the ball is a different shape and it's played outdoors. Otherwise, they are much the same.

Got a big cheque book then Ali or are you just pleased to see me?

Yes Ali I heard that on radio 4 so it must be true. I expect he will be taking his Magic Sponge.

When everyone gets back here do you think we should starft our BB again? Or maybe something else? We could have "I'm a Celebrity" and Ali could be a famous c****eter and Magster could be a much-younger Mother Teresa-type....

BB I think Hazel. It allows a little more scope to be bone idle But we could have BB with a jungle garden.

Actually basketball is a sport I have actually watched. I lived in America and everybody watched it, except when they were watching Baseball, which is rounders with funny clothes and spitting, or American Football which is gladiators in Shoulderpads. I hated it all, but I was sharing an apartment. The basketball players were so tall they hardly had to jump to put the ball in the basket.

You now know everything that I know about Sport

That's a pretty impressive array of knowledge Hazel!

See you all on the morrow

Goodnight Magster. Sweet dreams