h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

nurse! remove that thermometer but very slowly AND don't leave it on a chair again

After scared the on Christmas Eve, they were shaken, not stirred.

It's a bold man who is bowled out but is bold enough to go up to the bowler who bowled him out being so bold as to wear his bowler to a cricket match the balls bowled not in the superbowl but.....er ...butler butter not the batter but the batsman in the belfry, that's better....er

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the nook,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the cook.

It was the night before the morning after.
Listen; hear the hollow laughter.

in a field there was a cow, it must have moved it's not there now

You'll never drink normally again.

[with apologies to "The Grifters"]

“Coffee-mornings are the path to the dark side. Coffee mornings leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

It is by will alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of Joe that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains. The stains become a warning. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion.

in ancient reylth dread cthulhu lies knitting

Smile, and the world smiles with you.
Fart, and you fart alone.

if a badger farts in the woods and there is no-one there to hear it, does it smell??????

[Not if it holds its noce]

“Fudge matters not, ... Look at me. Judge me by fudge , do you?”

I deline to answer on the grounds that it may tend to make me look silly.

This story is true, only the facts have been changed to make it more interesting.

I've told you 10 million times, don't exaggerate

just 2 that don't need tweaking

thank you half man half biscuit

dracula comes from transalvanya, stevie nicks books about kleptomania, johnny looked out of his bedroom window and shouted to his mum.....FRED TITMUS

and you can thank your lucky stars that you not.......the bastard son of dean friedman

Who knows what coronary blockages lurk in the hearts of men?