h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My tongue won't budge,
Not even to eat fudge.
It hides in my cheek.
(It's been there all week.)
I'll see if today
It'll leave tits hideaway.

Next topic: The last time I ate ice cream

The Last Time I Ate Ice Cream

Here lies the remains of a glutton,
Steeped in excesses and wine,
As he ate both ways through an eight course meal,
Twas the last time he were to dine.

Sixteen courses, back to front,
That were his ultimate dream,
Til he choaked to death, the second time round,
On a bowl of his favourite ice cream.

Next: 'The Ides of March'

On the Ides of March, it's best to stay in bed.
But if you must leave home, avoid the Forum.
For safety's sake, a helmet wear on your head.
Your mates may laugh, but to with decorum.

next topic: pistachios

I used to eat pistachios
I had to give them away
Although their flavour was quite nice
And for nutriment they did suffice
Their shells got in my moustachios.


Next.......Racing down the road.

Racing down the road.
After several pints of beer,
Can land you in the calaboose,
For six months or a year.

'The man was driving dangerously,
His belly full of ale',
The copper told the magistrate,
'You must jail him without fail'.

The beak peered oer his spectacles,
With stern despondent frown,
'We're getting far too much of this,
In our once peaceful town.'

For driving forty miles an hour,
I'll give you just a fine,
But as you were half cut as well,
You'll have to serve some time.'

What's more, once you have served your time,
From driving you'll be banned,
So you'll have to get a taxi,
The next time you get canned'.

Next: Last Orders Please.

The clock was nearing midnight, and the diner soon would close,
When through the door a famished lad Did come. Who could suppose
What he'd been through? He ordered coffee, Fish and chips and gumbo.
He shovelled these into his mouth, without much mumbo jumbo.

"You win a prize," the waiter told him, "'Cause you have deserved
Our nightly prize we always give as last one to be served."

Next topic: flooding rivers

How can you flood rivers?
They're made of water
Same as floods
I think it's got up by Greenpeace types
To make us look like mugs
Same as power stations without power
Which are friends with the birds and bees and the flowers.

Next: Crime

It seems to me that poetry without a hint of rhyme
Should really be considered a really heinous crime.

Next topic: How would you like to ride a dragon?

Aaah, Dragons. I do believe there is a past lives memory.
Not from here, on pragmatic realistical Earth.
But from another place, an elsewhere place,
A place where beings were compatable, each with the other.
A place where intra-species friendship came with the birth
Of exotic creatures who revelled in their mingling
And shared their mixed abilities to give each other pleasure.
And here on prosaic Earth we long to have the ability
To merge with the minds of our fellow travellers
Two legged, four legged, furred or feathered or flippered,
And oh! that ultimate thrill, to ride on the backs of the Dragons!



Next.......Living with the Yeti.

The Yeti
Isn't pretty
But his female thinks he's ace
- Just goes to show
As if you didn't know
There's no accounting for taste


NEXT: My First Love and Flowers

Living with the Yeti
&
My First Love and Flowers.

Living with a Yeti,
In the endless Serengeti,
Raised eyebrows oer the Loliondo beers,
Some rumoured it was queer,
As they sipped their Castle beer,
Til I reassured them that I'd known her for some years.

We'd met in Katmandu,
As many drinkers do,
As we sipped gin 'neath the jacaranda bowers,
I confessed that I'd been swayed,
In my early rampant days,
By a Stratford brewer's ale by name of Flowers.

Like lovers at first sight,
We'd spent a torrid night,
As dusk fell and the owls began to hoot,
It all would have been fine,
If we had but stuck to wine,
But alas succumbed to Flowers brewers droop.



Next: 'The morning after'

The morning after
Is filled with fun and laughter
Like a monkey you hang from a rafter
Before falling
And joining the hereafter
- What could be more appalling and dafter?


Next - Songs my mother taught me

Songs my mother taught me,
Still linger in my brain,
The words are etched - as though in stone,
And ever will remain.

Did she ever realise,
As she sang to us each night,
That the words and simple melodies,
Would stay with us for life.

The songs and words she read to us,
As we snuggled in our beds,
Would alter every later thing,
They stuffed inside our heads.

My later taste in music,
Was affected, I am sure,
By the songs we learnt as children.
All those many years before.

Next: Open topped cars

I donned my hat and climbed inside
My nice convertible car.
I asked sweet Julie, "care for a ride?"
She said, "If's not too far."

I raised the roof, and as we flew away,
My silly hat just went and blew away.

Next tioc: periwinkles

Marine Biologists define,
And published back in '49
Their universal scheme, they called 'Zonation'.

The highest 'supralittoral' sea,
Is known by everyone to be,
The barnacles and mussels habitation.

The next - 'Midlittoral' or fringe,
Is where you need to go to binge,
As there live all the bestest of crustaceans.

Goose neck barnacles and crabs
Limpets, snails are up for grabs
Amidst the livid red Gigartinecan

Sea anenomes abide,
Whelks and chitons there do hide,
Carefully avoiding dehydration.

But periwnkles are for me,
Littorina littorea,
With cheap white wine - the very best libation.

Next copit: Stinging Nettles

That should be cockpit, Pedantic - I know you like to get these things right

I shan't try to follow your excellent verses with something similar, so:

Stinging nettles
Are nearly as bad as boiling kettles.

Next Coptic: The Ash Tree


Jabs

Thought I'd reassure you, Pedantic, (I'm going soft) that you're not entirely alone in this li'l ol' universe of ours - I realised it was a Raga Man.

Jabs

Re 'cockpit and Raga Man' - am I just being thick or not fully acquainted with the anecdote?

In the meantime, I am trying to come up with a Fraxinus rhyme

The Ash Tree

Agrilus planipennis,
Is to arborists a menace,
As Mr Morgan has a fit,
At ash with girt great holes in it.

Fraxinus excelsior,
Is used to make his sports car's floor,
It's also food for all the larva,
Of many lepidoptera.


(and yes - I do realise that ash is used for the frames not the floors of Morgans - but it doesn't rhyme!)

Next: Foof for thought

or even FOOD for thought.