h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

Smudger.

To commemorate her birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at
Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.
One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary
movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:
> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > > > > > > > >

(Sing It!)-If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Smudger.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?!
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
Smudger.

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Smudger.

**********************************************************************

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him an injection, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing, throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
Smudger.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
Smudger.

Websailor

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!" Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.""But have you ever had a drink yourself?

How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life" "How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!" "I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?""Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"

Smudger.

Blonde Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject
and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the
ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos
of cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the ice.
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK."

Smudger.

Hi, Smudger,

Thanks for another smile. I have been wondering how the counselling is going? Email me if you would rather not put it on hoo too, unless of course you would rather not talk about it at all.

Hope you and Mark ll are as well as can be expected. Not sure what weather you are getting but it is like a Turkish bath here and doesn't suit me a bit.

Take care,



Websailor

Hi WS, thanks for that, all is going well, Mk2 was actually out of the house last week, when the weather was good! (Never been good sice though) My therapy is now down to once a fortnight

Here is another Joke............

Eight Words with two Meanings:

1. THINGY (thing-ee).
Female....Any part under a car's hood.
Male...... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel).
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male...... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon).
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment).
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male....... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment).
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male....... Any thing that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens).
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male....... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv).
Female.....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. .....Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl).
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male.. .....A device for scann ing through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

Smudger.

Baptizing A Drunk




A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are
you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in
the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found
Jesus ?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer,
dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls
him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.





When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,




'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

Smudger.

Hello Smudger ,

I was just thinking about you the other day . Hope you and your wife are both well.

Loved the last joke! .

Nigel

Hi YN, yes we are both bearing up, thamks for asking. glad you enjoyed the joke

Here is another one................

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a settee and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work, so in desperation he decides to take them to hospital.

Once at casualty the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children.

Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.

"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "are they alright?"

The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."

Cheers, Smudger.

Brilliant!

Nigel

How Do These People Survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets!
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

Smudger.

Two s

Websailor

Here is the rest of them.....................

THREE
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquire d as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister.' I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the ' cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

EIGHT
Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed.

NINE
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to the emergency room!


Life is tough .

Smudger.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; the next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; the next day I stopped eating red meat
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday,
I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I stopped reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Smudger.