h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

might be a good idea

You'll all know where this parrot lives when you see the sign
attached to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT!

A new postman was working on his new round. when he comes to a garden gate marked BEWARE OF THE PARROT! He looks down the garden and, sure enough, there's a parrot sitting on its perch.
He has a little chuckle to himself at the sign and the parrot there on its perch. The postie opens the gate and walks into the garden.
He gets as far as the parrot's perch, when suddenly, it calls out: "REX, ATTACK!"

Smudger.

So the parrots behaviour it gets really bad and the owners seek expert advice. The expert tells them, "if he doesn't tone it down, stick him in the fridge for five minutes."

So they take the parrot home and it's still misbehaving. The owners don't really believe the expert but in desperation they take the parrot and shove him in the fridge. Five minutes later they open the door and the parrot comes out looking very contrite and with it's head bowed.

"I wish to apologise for my appalling behaviour" the parrot began, " there is no excuse for my antics and it is my fervent wish that you will forgive me."

"By the way," the parrot said, "what did the chicken do wrong?"

Smudger.

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.
Upon her arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

Smudger.

Websailor

4 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting at a table in a nursing home. About then an old Grandpa walked in.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

The old man said, 'There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times. Then they all piped up & said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 4 old ladies happily yelled in unison -- 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
_________________
Smudger.

A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for
nearly 36 hours. He is about to die.

Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand he comes to three market stalls.

The man (half thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands: "I need water, sell me some water."

"Sorry Sir" replies the stall owner "I only sell custard."

The man, visibly taken aback goes up to the second stall and again asks for water. "I'm afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream" replies the second stall owner.

The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs "Please,I need water now or I'll die"
"Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands" replies the final stall
owner.

His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands: "You mean to tell
me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert
and none of you sell water!"

"I know Sir" says the first stall owner "it's a trifle bazaar."

Smudger.

Insurance Claim form quotes


True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms; These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine.

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
-----
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
-----
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
-----
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo
-----
"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
-----
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
-----
-----
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
-----
"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
-----
Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.
-----
"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."
-----
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
-----
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"
-----
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
-----
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
-----
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"
-----
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"
-----
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"
-----
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
-----
"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not seethe other car."
-----
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
-----
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
-----
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
-----
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
-----
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
Smudger.

There's now as queer as folk Smudger. Lovely

Websailor

A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.

When he died he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren,45 great grandchildren, and 25 great-great grand-children
and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be

Smudger.

it. Smudger. See you in on Thursday I hope.


Websailor

Aye! WS see you there



An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin,
orders three pints of Guinness
and sits in the back of the room,
drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I
draw it; It would taste better if you bought one
at a time.'

The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way
to remember the dayswe all drank together.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,
and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars' in the bar notice and fall
silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss.'

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

'Oh, no,' he says, 'Everyone is fine.
It's me........I've quit drinking!'

Smudger.

A man goes to the doctor and says " Im a bit deaf."
The doctor says " describe the symptoms"
The man replies " Homer is fat and yellow and Marge has tall blue hair."
_________________

Smudger.

Thanks Smudger, two more good ones The deaf man sounds like my PHM but he won't admit it!!

Websailor

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:

'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and

flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.

' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'
--------------------------------------------------------

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly,

rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew.

Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked,

'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?'

Smudger.

Aaaw! so cute

Websailor

Jesus and Moses went to play golf. On the third hole, there is a
lake to hit over. Jesus gets out a two iron and Moses says, "You
should use a wood or it will go in the water." Jesus says, "Jack
Nicklaus uses a two iron on this hole, so I'm sure I can." He hits
the ball,and sure enough, it splashes into the water. Moses parts
the water, walks out and retrieves the ball. "Now," he says, "use a
wood." "No way," Jesus replies, "If Nicklaus can use a two iron, so
can I." Again, it goes straight into the lake. As Jesus is walking
around on the water looking for his ball, another golfer sees him and
asks Moses in amazement, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
Moses shakes his head sadly, "No, Jack Nicklaus!

Smudger.

EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin ?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?


Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing
liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush
hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Smudger.

Hope you are ok Smudger, and not too cold. Take care,

Websailor

Geoff & Syd are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Geoff says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.

She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Syd continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Geoff.

Women like that are hard to find.'

Smudger