h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My husband would agree

Websailor

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son? '

The young man says, 'An 8-iron, father. How about you?'

The priest says, 'I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, 'I don't know about you father, but in

my church when we pray, we keep our head down.

'

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'

'Yes' says the woman.

'Did you hit him with that golf club?

'Yes, yes, I did.'

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

'How many times did you hit him?'

'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times....just put me down for a five.

--------------------------------------------------------------

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the

ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer', to which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I?'

--------------------------------------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said:' What are your golf clubs doing here'?

He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it? Wink

Smudger.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Smudger.

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven..'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or....'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Smudger

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Nigel

Visibility wasn't good the other day,when I got pulled over by a traffic cop doing 70mph.

He said, "What would you do if Mr Fog came down suddenly?"

"I would put Mr Foot on Mr Brake", I replied.

"Let me start again", He said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"

Smudger.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of
Amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on?'

----------------------------------------------------------------



Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S.prison service for not
Servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past &
Stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick b*****s like you
That give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the bejasus out of
You if I could swim!'

Smudger.

A Mafia boss employs an accountant who is deaf and dumb.
As he suspects him of milking the bank account he gets his lawyer who knows sign language to come and question him.
"Ask him where he has hidden the money he stole"
The lawyer signs to the accountant but he says he will not tell.
On being told this the Boss pulls out a gun and points it at the mans head and said tell him if he does not say I will shoot him. With the gun pressed to his head the accountant panics and signs to the lawyer that the money is in a tin under his garden shed.

The boss asks "What did he say." The lawyer says he said you don't have the b***s to pull the trigger.
Smudger.

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized. ”

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”

Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable. ”

Smudger.

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer?

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
BRITISH OFFICER Answer:
1. Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
2.Does he prefer to communicate in English or Bengali?
3.Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
4.Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
5.Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Kumbaya?
6.Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
7.Is the alleged "client" a member of an Environmental Group?
8.Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
9.Is he a member of a gang that is just "misunderstood" by society?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
10.Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
11.Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome and just doesn't understand what he is doing? Is he a member of a visible minority group? Warn and Charter him as he approaches.

AUSTRALIAN OFFICER? Answer: BANG!

AMERICAN OFFICER? Answer: BANG!


Smudger.

In the light of recent events I am not sure that is true any more!

Websailor

New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


Now The Alphabet

A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H ... high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I ... for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
V for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know.

W for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, and
I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Smudger.

Nice one Smudger

Websailor

And They Ask Why
I Like Retirement !!!




Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday


Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.


Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.


Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
A nswer: They are the only ones who have the time.


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.


And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING... .. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Smudger.

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blac kouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness,
I still have my Florida driver's license.


Smudger.

Here is some little crackers=

1. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.




2. Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.




3. It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.


Smudger.

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.... (this in itself should ring alarm bells).

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'Are you ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

.

.

.

.

.

"Because I'm the bloody goalie.


Smudger.

Here are 3 jokes called...Then the Fight Started....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


Smudger.

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.



Smudger.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'


Smudger.