h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

Smudger.

That sounds about right

Websailor

A man goes to a shrink and says, 'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she goes with anybody who asks her!

I'm going crazy.. What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor, 'take a deep breath and calm down.

Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?'

Smudger.

ooooh! that's a naughty one

Websailor

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
'Look Miss,' said the foreman, 'have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?'
'Well, as a matter of fact, yes!' she replied.'I've
been divorced three times.'



Smudger.

The ATF Agent short for
Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms

An ATF officer stops at a ranch in North Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'

The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!!!




Smudger.

____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's... Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________ _________ _________

Smudger.

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an
hour.'

Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife : 'Yes or no.'

-------------------------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'

Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.'

Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'

Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?'

--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

-------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of
humour!'

Smudger.

Cup of Tea .



One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift and it was one of my favourite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After
several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.


My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of

tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure

enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she

watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..





















"Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get

water is the toilet?"

Smudger.

Websailor

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here......

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.



Smudger.

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


The maths teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'


* * * * * * * * * * *


Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Telstra guy wants to buy Mum .'


* * * * * * * * * * *




Smudger.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see
him later and walks
away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was
that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my
mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a
divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no
more wintering
in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinities
or Lexuses
in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a
gorgeous babe on
his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," the wife
replies!!!.

Smudger.

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
'Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'


Smudger.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON,
OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Smudger.

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me I know we've been friends for a
long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


Smudger.

Secret to a long and happy marriage…

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'.

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy ma rriage.

The Husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America, explained the man. 'We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.'

'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you *%& # @$ crazy?!!'

She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

And from that moment we have lived happily every after.'



Smudger.

in that case I better watch out...I'm probably up to twice with many of my female friends

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You don't have to stop and think of

which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest
when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is £5.50 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes
-- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 24 relatives on 24th December in 24 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.



Smudger.

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at £2500 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about £400.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she..'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

Smudger.