h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
---------------------------------------------------------

HOWEVER,

upon reflection,

we would like to point out

that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behaviour,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or,
God out of government and school.

Smudger.

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to
the bartender, "I'll have a gin
............................... and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big
pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had
them."


Smudger.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartender

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE
UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
Under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
Talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
Those fears..'

'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the
Doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you
Come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
Lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
Saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
Did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'


GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Smudger.

Probably some hyperbole here, but maybe not...!






A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an
aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an
airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa".
his response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible,
since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!''
(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to
see England from Canada ?''


I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''
(OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and
asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation
and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked
him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big
airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
(Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed
to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got
to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went
fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked ''Do
airlines put your physical description on your bag so they
know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying

laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno ,Ca. is

(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination

tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola ,
Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I
want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .'' I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Smudger

You think English is easy???


1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when th e does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
******************
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ... When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so...it is time to shut UP !

Smudger.

That's a very interesting one Smudger. I won't add some things I could think of, but that really is amazing.

Hope you and Mark ll are well.

Websailor

Hi WS, yes Mk2 is coming along fine now, she can still nag anyway, so her speech is OK!

Smudger.

You sound like my husband

You'd miss us if we stopped

Glad she's ok.

Websailor

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters -- misspellings, bad sentence construction or choice of words all make for fun reading. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict..
--------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---- --- --- --------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
----------------------------------- ---------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------- ------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!


Smudger.

This heart warming story should put an end to the idea that golfers are not good husbands.


A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me, dear" she groans to her husband.

He quickly calls 999 on his cell phone, and after a brief conversation, picks up his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife picks up her head off the green and glares at him ...."I'm dying over here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry sweetheart," says the husband calmly, "They found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Well, how long will it take to get here?" she feebly asks him.

"No time at all. Everybody has agreed to let him play through."


Smudger.

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling
the young officer that she had to get there before
she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.....

Smudger.

ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling
asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She
said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.
"Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you
used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and
got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"


Smudger.

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he

Decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment

Meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took

His breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father

Will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card

And, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.






Smudger.

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination
in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year old boys)

Q. Name the four seasons
=2 0 A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. S*x can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs .......(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. W hat happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery ........ (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow................... (The mind boggles?)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow………………….(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U …..(What the *!!*???)
=2 0
Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.................(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor .................................(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport ........................................(Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you
understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as yo ur face .........................(OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

............................ there is no hope - last one to leave the country please turn the lights off !!!!!!!

Smudger.

better then the kids here where I live ... 2/3rd of the sophmores at my school purposly failed the ISATs(Idaho Standard Assesment Test) the year before last...you know what they said the reason they did it was? "you shouldn't be able to make us take the ISATs without our permission" ... ok the school should not know how smart you are ... let alone once in the 4 years you are in highshool(they only do it their sophmore year) ... I'm glad I was a freshman at the time

Hi XS, so it happens all over then

-----------------------------------------------------------


----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks
him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in
surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
Smudger.

That's actually kind of funny as a protest. Stupid, but funny.

they came down hard on us next yr though...100 push ups for anyone who fails or slufs that day!(not really)

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
1 7.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!

19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory..

26 ... Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Smudger.

I laughed at every one my friend next to me laughed at half and said to shut up cause we're it a library