h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Fred was telling his friend how his uncle tried

To make a new car for himself... "so he took

Wheels from a Cadillac, a radiator from a Ford,

Some tires and fenders from a Plymouth..."


"Holy Cow," interrupted his friend, "What did

He end up with?"


And Fred replied, "Two years and probation."

Smudger.

It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.



But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.



He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,

'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'



The meteorologist responded,

'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.'



So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.



A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.

'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'



The meteorologist again replied,

'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'



The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.

'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked.



'Absolutely,' the man replied.

'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'


'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked..


The weatherman replied,

'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'


Smudger.

Girlie Wisdom!

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together, and set fire to my knickers'.

10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ..... Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!


Smudger.

not all girls only ... just 1/2 of it ... unless you aint young enough or no longer manly nough ... or never were in the 1st place ... maybe

The following are purported to be actual comments made by NYC teachers on their report cards as part of their final narratives.

All teachers were reprimanded, but these are great!!!

1. Since my last report, your child has hit rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your child is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack", but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's I.Q. Reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.

Smudger.

Chuckles.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmm...

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

"Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish."



Smudger.

Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3.. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Smudger.

the teacher must have been a girl ... besides most ppl already consider PCs to be female

There has been a big fight in the biscuit tin. A Bandit called Rocky who was Crackers, hit a Penguin over the head with a Club, tied him to a Wagon Wheel with a Blue Riband and made his Breakaway in a Taxi.

Police say Rocky was last seen just After Eight by a Viscount from Maryland,
Hob Nobbing with a Ginger Nut and two accomplices. One known as
Gary Baldi and the other known only to the police as Rich Tea.

Unfortunately they don’t have a crumb of evidence, so the Jammie Dodger might get away with it!

Smudger.

I am and am not lost at the same time >.>

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'



--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------




A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy bum?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'


Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the
Head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on
it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name
of the horse I bet on'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the
head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Smudger.

God said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down
Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to
Him. Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On
The other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'

After God explained,
He said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman..'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained
That to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I
Want you to
Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do
I do that?'

God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like

Everything else,

God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down
Into the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes,

he was back.

God, His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is it
Now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

*

*

*

*

*

'What's a headache?'


Smudger.

THE ITALIAN ELBOW

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

'You comma to de front door of the apartamenta I am inna apartamenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.'

'Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

'What . . .You coming empty handed?'

Smudger

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.

''What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Smudger

heh

Golfer stops in midswing, takes cap off for a funeral procession on the road passing the course.

"Hey, you´re a good´un, bodging a shot because you want to show respect!"

"Well,she was my wife."

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government", says Bud..

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and
You don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.


Smudger.

CURTAIN RODS ---- PRICELESS !!

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful dining room table
by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten
shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out...
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer
and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half,
they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return their calls.
Finally,they had to borrow a huge sum of money
from the bank to purchase a new place...
The ex-wife called the man
and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home
terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement
in exchange for getting the house.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was,
he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth,
but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling
as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods....

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING,
DON'T YOU?

Smudger.