h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

that coniving little

WALKING THE DOG


A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, 'Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?' The blind lady replied, 'No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.'

Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered.



They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

Smudger.

hahaha! I heard a similar story not to long ago and it was true

also apparently the same thing happened after they saw a pilot with a bottle of ginger ale with the word ginger scratched out

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:
Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

Smudger.

Power of The Badge.

DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Texas, and talks with an old rancher Scott mending a fence.


He tells Scott, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally growing drugs."

The old Rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there", as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government behind me."

He reaches into his back pants pocket, removes his badge and proudly flashes it at Scott.


"Do you see this badge? It means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On anyone's land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "


The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..


A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life ... Chased close behind by the rancher's 1,500 pound, prize bull..





With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Horned" before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified. Scott drops his fence tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......


"Your badge, your badge. Show him your BADGE !"


Smudger.

goverment idiots...

Dont wanna be a goverment idiot! Don't want to be the one in the senate! I'd get a bunch of crap from the media! etc. (play off the song "don't wanna be an american idiot")

Subject: Applying for a job in a Florida
A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too
qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this: have you had any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Bush."


Smudger.

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped
for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

Smudger.

'An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in. 'Disregard.' He says. She got in the back-seat by mistake..'

Smudger.

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!
'** 'Hell,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


Smudger.

10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Commandment 10.

Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.


Smudger.

Here is the first one in 2010.....



Two British hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.' Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Billy and George survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy asked George, 'Any idea where we are?'

George replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Smudger.

This is TOO good! Yes, this IS what they would do if they were still here!
Read on:


You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'..............


Smudger.

getting it just gives u the ability to see both sides

Aye! XS, figure this lot out.............



it seems we are not alone where idiots are concerned...







We went to a Dairy Queen (Soft-serve) Ice Cream shop and asked for two "half-n-half" cones. The clerk looked confused and asked us to repeat the order. We said that we wanted two cones with half chocolate and half vanilla ice cream in each. The clerk left to relay our request to the shift supervisor. He came back and informed us that they only sold chocolate OR vanilla cones and could not ring up one with both flavors in it! We suggested that he fill each cone with half of each flavor and then charge us for one chocolate and one vanilla cone! He said that would be over-charging and refused to fill our order!



Dairy Queen strike two!



The Dairy Queen in another location stays open until 10 PM. We went in at 8:10 PM and ordered one chocolate and one vanilla cone. We were informed that we could have vanilla ONLY because they shut down the chocolate machine at 7 PM! Not wanting a vanilla cone I ordered a hot fudge sundae only to be told that they stop making sundaes and banana splits at 8 PM and that I was 10 minutes too late for that! I asked why they bothered staying open until 10 if every thing shut down by 8. Without batting an eye, the clerk answered: "To serve our customers what they want!"



Wal Mart Putz:



"I would like to make this check for $20 over." Says I

"Twenty over what?" says the teenaged clerk

"Twenty over the amount of the purchase." I calmly reply

"OH, no! We can't do that!" She says

"Since when?" I inquired

"We have never done that!" She says huffily

"I got cash back yesterday!" I retort indignantly

"Oh, we can get you cash back on your check but just not write it 'over'." Says she!

"O k a y! I w o u l d l I k e $20 c a s h b a c k !" I said slowly.

"In that case just write the check for $20 more than the amount shown on the register!" she chirped perkily.

"Isn't that what I said in the first place?" I asked incredulously

"No!" she looked sideways at me, "You asked to write it over! You can only write it once!"



(Let's face it, I meet idiots every day!)

Smudger.

I had a problem with fast food day before yesterday.

first off we where heading back from sunday school at around 8:00pm(yes it goes late) first thing we do is stop by mcdonalds since home is bout 40 mins away. everyone except me had already eaten while I was in sunday school so she orders 3 mcdoubles for me along with a large softdrink(powerade to be precise) and a large orange juice for her. in the middle of the order it switches from a deep manly voice to a higher woman's voice. we pull up tothe 1st window as the voice requests and we ask why the voice changed in the middle of the order(while paying of course) and she says the shifts changed in the middle of the order. she then asks if my mom had meant orange HI-C (artificially flavored ) instead of real my mom rather carmly asks why the person hadn't asked before she payed for a full since the HI-C costs less. the Mcdonalds worker said that she took it that my mom wanted real then. we drove to the second window and first thing we get in a large and a large HI-C. after explaining that we asked for a powerade and had just discussed at the 1st window how horrid HI-C tasted they quickly took it back and replaced it. then we got the mcdoubles. 2 of them seemed to be little statues of mcdoubles carved out of some sort of stone. fortunatly the third one was fine. we switched out the other 2 and quickly went on our way. we will probably repeat the entire process come sunday

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ..either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Smudger.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



Smudger.

well I'm bout to get my drivers license tommorrow

speaking of driving the insuranse people so are sexist. my mom gets in more accidents but my dad's insurance still costs more cause he's a guy and guys get in more accidents ... how does that work? of course mine costs more cause I'm a minor ... where's my mionor reduction in price that I deserve as a minor?

apparently if you are under 17 here then you can't have more then 1 non family member in the car at a timewhat if you are suicidal/homicidal and hate your family? that by the way is based off of a true story. sorry if that offended anyone

don't know if this'll make anyone laugh since you can't see it but apparently my dog thinks it's a cat. we got the dog first(named speckles since she is part dalmation and "used" to have speckles all over her) then after bout a month we found a little kitten outside in the cold and it was going to be below freezing that night so we let it in...from then on we had a cat named sushi(named by sister's friend who said she would take it but never did) the dog and cat bonded nicely and not she does stuff like play with the cat and pretend to purr(sounds alot like growling now but used to be more of a moan) she even tries to do the thing where cats lick thier paw and use it to clean off thier head(with little to no sucess) luckily she is a medium-small dog so she doesn't squash the cat be accident while playing.

now for an actual joke

a random city person was visiting his random farmer relative in the boonies. they began talking polotics and at one point the conversation got to where the farmer said
Farmer: "I think Obama is just like a post turtle"

City dweller: "that's a nice analogy and all but well, ok it might be possibly nice if only I knew what a post turtle was."

Farmer: "well you see a post turle is that turtle that you just see stuck on some random fence post. he doesn't belong there and no one knows how the hell he got there but somehow there it is just stuck up on that post where everyone can see it. and everyone thinks exactly the same thing every time they pass one by"

City dweller: "wait what?"

moral of the story city dwellers just don't understand those poor post turtles ... wait what?

Last month a worldwide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.



The only question asked was:-



"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world ?"



The survey was a huge failure because of the following:



In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.




In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.




In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.




In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.




In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.




In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.



In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.




And finally, Britain and Australia both hung up because they couldn't understand an Indian accent !

Smudger.