h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Don't blame you .

Nigel

Websailor

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who
shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled
with patients.

As he approached the reception desk he noticed that the
receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo
wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around
to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Don't mess with old folks.

Smudger.

If only we could think of remarks like that at the right time, instead of afterwards

Websailor

A guy asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'



The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.



A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'



The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.



A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'



The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and half.' The guy left.



The barber turned to a friend and said, 'Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.



The barber asked, 'So where does that guy go when he leaves?'



Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, 'Your house.'
Smudger.

THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY:

&Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

&Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

&Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

&Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

&Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

&Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

&Law of theBath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

&Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

&Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

&Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

&Law of the Theatre
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

&The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

&Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

&Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

&Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

&Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

&Oliver's Law of Public Speaking
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

&Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

&Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Smudger.

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Smudger.

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest..

32. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

33. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

34. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

36. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

37. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

38. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

39. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

40. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

41. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. . .

42. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

43. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

44. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

45. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

46. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
_________________

Smudger.

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO ***TORONTO**, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS
GETS
UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS*
SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND
ASKS
TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE
WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND
I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE
BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE
BACK
TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
SHE
ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, 'I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND
I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE.'

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST
THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, 'YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED
TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE.'

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, 'OH,
I'M
SORRY.' AND GETS UP AND GOES
BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID
TO
MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

'I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO '.*

Smudger.

hehehe

Just thought I would pop back in here and keep this thread going folks.


YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE… DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Still over here on the swing,' replied the drunk…

Smudger.

Good punchline

Websailor

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. '
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor made super Quad 460 golf club.'
SILENCE......... LONG SILENCE........
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!'

Smudger.

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was grinning at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the grin turned into a smile, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned.' 'Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
'Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself.'


'BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'


'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Smudger.

Ancient Indian knowledge



The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,

'Kemosabe, look towards sky; what you see?'

The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,

'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of
Galaxies.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the

morning.

Theologically, the Lord is all powerful , and we are small and

insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.



What does it tell you, Tonto?'



'You dumber than buffalo shit. Someone stole tent.'

Smudger.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!' The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Smudger.

.

Nigel

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Oleson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ing truck!"

Smudger.

Nice one

Websailor

It sounds like new brakes are definitely needed .

Nigel