h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Very good .

Nigel

Oooh er!!

Websailor

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with, "Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh,Oh."
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
______
___________Smudger.

CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass Surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of Nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how He was going to pay for his treatment.

She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.


He replied. 'No money in the bank.'

The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?'

He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.'


The patient replied, 'Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Smudger.

I wish I could use that by my sister wants to get married and well...basicaly according to her plan if the guy she falls in love with isn't rich then they both fail -_-

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

-----------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Passive Aggressive Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly beta interface with circular reference loop capability.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good luck,

Tech Support

Smudger.

Smudger,

No matter how many times I read this one it still makes me laugh. I think I still have this and one or two others deep in the bowels of my Computer. I will if I can dig them out sometime.

Thanks for the

websailor

boyfriend 1.2 will have to show girlfriend 1.2 this

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair.
She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Smudger.

I liked the Tech support joke (posting 806) .

Nigel

At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer
why his cousins shot him.

"Well," Bubba began, "We were havin' a good time drinking,
when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, do
ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"

"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.

"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said,
'Sure, I'm game.'"

Smudger.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year
old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to
come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like Eric.......

Smudger.

Websailor

Or even

Websailor

Nigel

Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.



Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk. 'Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic; you do a bang-up job. But your being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as to your fellow workers.



''Yes, sir”, Tom replied, “I know. I'm truly sorry, and I am working on it”.



''That's what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the Royal Canadian Navy, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?''



“Yes, sir, I did retire from the Navy, and I'm mighty proud of it,” said Tom. “Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss.



“They said, 'Good morning, Admiral '

Smudger.

I guess that might amuse Price William too

Websailor

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.'
I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?'
Smudger.

Oh, I it. I was treated to a similar vacuum cleaner salesman years ago, and it took about four hours to get rid of him!! Wish I could have pulled that trick!! Mind you, I wouldn't stand for it now

Take care Smudger

Websailor

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane,
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.


The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog
was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was
a 'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.

I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said,
'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her
seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's
arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' said his seat mate.


The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again..
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the
middle seat and proceeded to it all over the place.



The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't
figure out how ,or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so
he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'

Smudger.