h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Nigel

then in come peeking Tom

Deaf wife

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner,and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey,what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

'Ralph , for the FIFTH F'in' time, CHICKEN!'

Smudger.

another repeat

maybe we should make Smudger a smudge for this

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch..."The crowd became
mesmerized as
the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

"S**T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center

Smudger.

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'

'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.

'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'

'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied: 'Because you're in ing Homebase'

Smudger.

Nigel

An Irishman was told by his doctor that he was vastly overweight. His doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for a fortnight. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds'.
When the Irishman next visited his doctor, the doctor was shocked to discover Paddy had lost nearly four stone.
'This is amazing!', the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?'
Paddy replied, 'Yes, but I'll tell youse, by Jaesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat third day.'
'From the hunger you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No from the skipping.'
_________________
Smudger.

Saw that coming but it was still funny. Thanks Smudger.

Hope you are both keeping well in this 'Spring' weather!!

Websailor

Hi WS, Mk2 is still in bed, has been for 3 weeks now, this chest infection will just not go away

----------------------------------------------------------

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires

Smudger.

Sorry to hear that Smudger. My other half has escaped so far this winter. He usually gets a couple, but I had a bad one and the lingering cough lasted for weeks. I hope she will soon be better. I don't suppose the miserable weather helps.

Take care and give her my regards,

Websailor

Oh, Dear that's funny Smudger I shall have to show PHM!!

Websailor

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, an MP ( A member of Parliament) comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.


And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Government

Smudger.

Websailor

Jock takes his wife to casualty.

She's no teeth, a broken nose & two black eyes.
Dr says, "What´s happened here?"

Jock says
"She was going thru the change."

Dr says
"That doesnt happen with the change."


Jock replies "It does when its in my ing pocket

Smudger.

Hi Smudger ,

to hear about your wife. Chest infections take some getting rid of for the average person, but if you have other problems it takes a whole lot longer .

I missed 'Smudger Snippets' in , hope you are able to think of something else to write about . You are a good writer .

All the best.

Nigel

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...


A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.


He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'


A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make £250 a week. Why?'


The CEO then handed the guy £1000 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!'


Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?'


From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy'

Cheers for that nigel
-----------------------------------------------

A photographer for a news paper asked for permission to take a flight up to take pictures of a fire,
His request approved, the CBS News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go.'

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CBS Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?' .

Smudger.

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE!

1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Smudger.

A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home

one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried

and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no

success. Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home

to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and

why she hadn't been home for so long. She replied:"These four men

kidnapped me and had wild sex with

me for a week." The husband

answered: "But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?" She

answered "I am just here to get something to eat."

Smudger.