h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

What, this?

If anyone from school mentions a gaping empty space in their lives, I will endeavour to bring them in the direction of the UG (oh wait, I already do that).

No, not handbag, tote bag.

Hi
I know I put my name down to be a miner a while back, im still up for doing it. So if you need any new miners then give me a bell
Tom

You share the same birthday as my father.

wat me, 12 of october. Well its good to know other people have the same birthday as me

Well, I came back to the UG, that should help. (not)

I hadn't seen you around much since I'd been back so I came nosing around and found this thread. I thought you might be flattered to know that for some reason I can't identify, I've always had you fixed in my mind as being 17. You've been 17 for a couple of years now, and you'll probably continue being 17 for the indefinite future.

Lucky you.

So I heard. When I was still an Editor, I laid out intricate plans for the moment you came back, complete with parades, a petting zoo and several bingo tournaments... and then no one told me you came back until a couple of weeks after and I forgot to launch it all. Whoops.

I don't mind being immortal

Do you mind being prepubescent?

Well, it's the thought that counts

And 17 isn't prepubescent!
He could do worse.

brolean, it is customary for presidential candidates to hire detectives to conduct extensive background checks on prospective running mates. Knowing how reticent Jodan always is about revealing details of his/her personal life, I thought it would be wise for me to do a little checking.

Before I reveal Jodan's true identity, I think it is worthwhile to remember that he/she has contributed mightily to this website and deserves our respect no matter what his/her age, gender, occupation or species turns out to be.

Right. Okay. Here's what all of you have been waiting to find out.

Even though we have been led to believe that Jodan is a teen-aged male from Oakwood (The Dome), Ohio, USA who has a fondness for politics, baseball, Seinfeld, Forrest Gump and Little Debbie cakes, the truth is somewhat different. Getting a handle on Jodan's true identity was so difficult that it was necessary for me to combine the results of three investigations in order to separate fact from fiction.

Jodan, prolific author, editor, miner, trapeze artist, and h2g2 Vice President is in fact a 38 year old male to female transgendered dance instructor from Bogota, Columbia. His birth name was Raul Gutierrez, the eldest of 17 children born to Oscar Gutierrez and Helen Parker, a former Rockette at Radio City Music Hall. His ambition is life was not to be a vaquero like his father, but to follow his mother's footsteps to the chorus line of a Broadway musical.

A serious fall at age 24 ended these dreams but not his love of dance. One night shortly after his accident, while under the influence of morphine and a Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum cocktail, Raul had a vision of himself as a beautiful woman with long, flowing red hair accepting a first place trophy at a ballroom dance competition in Dayton, Ohio. His partner for this competition was a man named Felipe who for some reason was dressed in black wool.

The die was cast. Raul considered this a sign from God and set about to make his vision come true. He changed his name to Bubbles Montoya, enrolled in an Arthur Murray ballroom dancing class and began his transformation from a man to a woman. Bubbles joined h2g2 in hopes of locating the magnificent man in the black wool suit from her vision. She called herself Jodan and became an exemplary member of h2g2. The rest is history.

when I received this information, I was so relieved that Jodan wasn't actually a terrorist shepherd from Uzbekistan, that I immediately invited him to be my running partner. I hope this little revelation has brought comfort to all of you, as well.

*faints*

*thud*

*The* Bubbles Montoya?

Better than Bubbles De Vere.

Wow, that cracked me up!

Honestly, Hyp. I don't know where you come up with this stuff. It wasn't Bogota, it was Cartagena. And I wasn't the eldest of the 17 children, I was third.

If you've already paid that detective, I'd ask for my money back.

*Shuffles through pages of reports to see if there is any mention of Cartagena*

The PI warned me that Bubbles might dissemble when faced with the truth.

Ah... all becomes clear... Thanks Hyp

And this is my annual Jodan related post

*Roots through UG filing cabinet. Finds Jodan’s personnel record. Shuffles through file. Finds CRB report.*



Hyp, according to MI6, Jodan is a collective: Jemima, Oliphant, Dougal, Agnes and Normanetta Jones - quintuplets born to Baabaabaraaa ‘Bubbles’ (well at least there’s one thing in common) Charlotte Jones in ‘The Plume of Feathers’ (run then by the Carling Black label brewery) in Cardiff. Father unknown, but rumours involving a Charles Windsor abound … (do you have any info on the size of Jodan’s ears???)

The next year Bubbles hit the headlines in the UK following a starring role in ‘One Man and his Dog’ after which an envious person-unknown bleated her telephone number, and the rumours surrounding the quins, to the tabloid press.

She hot-hoofed it out of Wales with the ‘tups’ as she referred to them, to escape the attentions of the papparazzi. Or, according to other sources, (namely Shep at the bar of ‘The Woolsack’), to escape the new regs on annual dipping just brought in by the Min. of Agriculture and Fish. In her haste she took nothing with her other than an exquisite pair of Ming dynasty jade earrings in the likeness of a ram and a sheep. About the aquisition of which she had never so much as let slip one word.

What happened next is blank, (As is Bubbles’ fate, though there is an unconfirmed report of a return to the UK under the name Dolly.) until five years ago when the ‘tups’ surfaced in Ohio and became well known to CID and the Special Branch over here for a variety of scams involving .

They deal mutton joints on street corners, sell under the counter yarns, fly cardigans in below the fashion police radar and have an International Trade Agreement breaking business in black bobble hats on Ebay.

I hate to muddy the waters like this. On the one hand it would explain Jodan’s hootoo output levels, on the other, British Surveillance isn’t doing too well lately…

Anyone got any CIA contacts? Or KGB?

UG Human Resources Officer

I certainly wouldn't want to discount information from M16. How fascinating. There was one rather seedy detective hired by Wolfgang who did mention something about plastic surgery to reshape his ears, But he drank heavily and I didn't consider him reliable.

I've gone through these reports several times and there is no mention at all of quintuplets or Cardiff. There is however a mention of a Jemima Jones, who apparently has quite a criminal record and who is currently teaching rumba lessons to her fellow inmates at the Women's Correctional Unit at Clearpoint, Indiana.

And wait. Here is a mention of a Douglas Guiterrez. He is listed as a younger brother of Raul Guiterrez and also has a criminal record. He is, in fact, a terrorist shepherd in Uzbekistan.

This will clearly require further investigation, but I suspect we have both been given misleading information.

This was definitely worth resurrecting the thread for.

Now we know (sort of).