h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Most outhouses and bathrooms of any age have instructions on how to do *it*, so you can speed right along to the climax.

Do *it* yourself was the big thing but that seems to be on the wane.
More and more people are getting a man in to do the job,
or woman of course in these days of equality.

Jack: Ennis, get in here!

I knew it was a mistake to come up this mountain.

And now you're feeling sheepish about it?

ouch.
And I was fleeced on the way up.

That sounds like a g*dd*mned b*tch of an unsatisfactory situation.

Are you good with a can opener, by the way?

I haven't used one since I lost it at The Blue Oyster Bar.
AAh the Tango....

How can you cook without a can opener?

Judginf by Batty's reaction, my last question was a stupid one. Sorry.

I did wonder, surely everone nukes their food in a microwave
these days.

Yes, but before you can put the beans in the microwave, you need to get them out of the can. Hence, the need for a can opener. It seemed very logical to me, but maybe I became an old fogey without noticing .

It's much more exciting to nuke the beans while they are
still in the can.

Yes, but the beans come out shell-shocked and just plain nasty. Who in their right mind would want to have nasty, angry beans sitting in their stomach?

I never thought of that but I doubt that much danger from
a bunch of has-beans.

They're coming after you, Mistadrong! As soon as they find a way across the Atlantic, you'll be mincemeat.

We'll be ready for them with that old Battle of Britain spirit.
Already the the First Ketchup and Sauce infantry is marching
towards the coast. Close behind are the Salt'n Pepper brigade,
seasoned veterans of many a tough campaign.

Is the Salt and Battery division geared up for action, too?

Unfortunately they've been detained to help the police with their
enquiries.
A squadron of bomber jackets are on permanent stand-by.