Journal Entries
Bad Back
Posted Dec 20, 2004
Can't sit, bend down, walk etc.
On lots of drugs, off my face.
Maybe weeks and months before I can come here gain
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Latest reply: Dec 20, 2004
Quiet days
Posted Dec 13, 2004
I havn't had much to say here recently. Its not because I don't care about you all, I just can't find the words.
I wanted to help someone here, but I got told my friendship was empty and meaningless. I have been talking to this person on and off for some time. They seem to forget they used to talk to me. He came to me for advice once and then later said I was like hitler. I wanted to help him but there is only so many insults I can take.
Still I meant my offer of friendship to him and still would if he wanted it. Can't bear it being thrown back in my face again. So I'll leave this one to rest.
Just needed to say it here to try to get it out of my system.
Another reason I havn't been talking much in all your journals is a new friend that some of you have, I have tried a few times, but I just can't get on with him. So I'll stay here, and wish you all well. I am really not good with people am I?!
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Latest reply: Dec 13, 2004
the begining of the end maybe?
Posted Nov 25, 2004
I was hoping for a different answer, but if Moonglum doesn't get work in amonth then it all starts to go. I don't know how many mortgage repayments you have to miss before they turf you out. Think I'll go drink lots and start cutting now.
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Latest reply: Nov 25, 2004
I wasn't expecting this
Posted Nov 8, 2004
I believed I was doing my best in being honest about my past, making myself vulnerable and getting hurt a lot for nothing.
Until someone said this to me today, it played on my mind and I need to share it.
"The result of conclusion number two is that you are now considering leaving h2g2. That is your decision, but I feel it is a real shame as no-one else has managed to bring together the debate on abuse and incest you have led so well and so sensitively. There are people in that debate that are opening up in a way I doubt they have felt able to elsewhere and it is very likely you have dozens, if not hundreds of silent readers whose pain is being expressed and possibly alleviated by the sharing they see."
Is this true?
Have I really done some good here?
Is there a way I can stay and be a place where people who have suffered abuse can speak?
Would doing that just be opening us all up to further grief from people who do not care and yet insist on trampling over our feelings?
Although in 'real life' I very rarely talk about this, purely because there is no need. I am happy to make it the basis for my existence on h2g2. Funnily enough I rarely even think about my past abuse anymore, as it does not figure in my day-to-day life anymore. But I want to stick up and help and show you can get past it to all those who are still suffering. I know some poeple here think my 'real life' must be all about talking about abuse, but it so isn't. Its only something I do here, for those silent and for all I know non-existant watchers who are too scared to speak but need to know this is something you can get through.
Any thoughts?
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Latest reply: Nov 8, 2004
I'm off
Posted Nov 7, 2004
Everyone thinks my row with Az is a personal row, but to me there is a much bigger picture. Which is the right to get over trauma in your own time and your own way.
Az did support the right of someone posting to my journal who was making fun of people who have had trauma in their lives. She didn't support our right to have a space to speak in the way we want to.
I know she has also been abused, and she must deal with that in her own way. I do not think it is a kind way though, to stamp on others who are still raw and finding it difficult coming to terms with stuff.
I am always aware that someone maybe reading my journal who is suffering the same abuse I did, maybe even have to suffer it that day. They need to see it is possible to get over it and continue to live. That one day, it won't be the most important thing in your life, but just one of the important things. They also need to see that it is okay to talk about it.
As a child being abused, you are continually threatened that bad things will happen if you talk about whats happening. People who have been abused need to know its okay to talk, what happened in my journal that day, proved that in many places it is not okay to talk.
I cannot be a place which supports that. I am not just fighting for me, but all those still being abused. They have rights and needs to. They do not always need to be brushed over, it may not be a nice thing to talk about, but we need to talk about it. You cannot expect a child being abused to shut up just because you have had enough of hearing about it.
That is the basis of the disagreement, not having a short fuse, or huffing and puffing, or being upset for no reason.
Everyone who read my journal knew the sort of things I talked about, it was easy enough to avoid if don't like hearing that sort of thing.
Anyway, if you see my eyes, I am just collecting journals for my diary.
You can contact me here
[email protected]
If you have been abused, please contact me, there are places where it is safe to talk. You can get over it, but you need to in your own time, not anyone elses.
BTW Willem, the Magpie Goose wouldn't let anyone else near it, I felt so very honoured!!
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Latest reply: Nov 7, 2004
Kaz
Researcher U182246
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