Journal Entries
So long and thanks for all the fish
Posted Apr 30, 2006
Well my time here on h2g2 has been interesting.
I couldn't get help from the nhs and so this was my help for a while. A place to come and vent to share my fears and everything else. Many people told me what to do and what to say and having now come from the otherside, I have to say to them, to back off in future. People dealing with their own abuse, need their own space. You can offer advice but never tell them how to be. We were all told to keep the abuse secret, the last thing we need is to be dominated by someone elses thoughts.
I have seen such hypocrisy here, people warning others about me and then warning me about those same others, people pretending to be something they are not. People accusing me of trying to make them leave, how could I do that anyway?! People accusing me of being as bad as hitler. People saying they are my friend even though they are happy to let me be accused of cruelty to animals without sticking up for me. I have seen so much here. People with such control issues it quite bewildered me, who has always been just me.
Having now felt genuine forgiveness for my abuser and realising I don't care about what happened anymore, I have made a huge step and now need to concentrate on other things.
Severe depression and ptsd has led to quite a few physical things wrong with me. I need to concentrate on those. Without seeing comments elsewhere that I am lying, that I have made these symptoms up. I don't need unhelpful people in my life anymore. I also don't need people who are actually out to harm me anymore. People whom I helped through their depression, who now stomp on me from their lofty heights, denying that they have ever been depressed!! 
On this note of true recovery, I realise its time to move on and leave this site, where I made true friends and also saw how badly people can behave. Where I learnt a valuble lesson - not to care about what others think of me, at least those I have no respect or liking for. I have learnt that now and so can move on at last.
[email protected]
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Latest reply: Apr 30, 2006
You Can Survive.
Posted Jun 14, 2005
I have been looking back over this and I have realised it gives a very negative outlook at trying to survive child abuse.
I am writing now solely for those who are struggling with getting over abuse themselves, and I intend writing some more about this. Its all my ideas and none of them may work for others, but I want to show that you can survive child abuse.
I went through a very public journey here, it took a few years from being in the depths of despair to being in a place where I think I have forgiven and moved on as much as I can.
There were people who it angered and some were very impatient and told me what to do and when, you must ignore all those. People can give advice, people can tell you about their own journey, but they cannot tell you about your journey.
You may feel like an open wound, you may be convinced you will never stop crying. You probably will, you won't believe that now and you have to come to believe it in your own time.
I am still be KazSorrel in my other space for all other chat, but this space is now for helping others and celebrating the journey from victim to survivor. If you don't like what I am doing or saying then just unsubscribe and mind your own business, this isn't for you.
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Latest reply: Jun 14, 2005
Time to start again
Posted Dec 22, 2004
Apparently I am a high maintanance friend.
I miss some of the wonderful close friendships which I developed here.
I didn't realise that wanting them back meant I was high-maintanance.
I will do you all a favour and start again elsewhere.
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Latest reply: Dec 22, 2004
Giving up
Posted Dec 22, 2004
I have been talking to you guys here for years now.
Recently another person has appeared on most of your spaces, this person says that paganism is nonsense. As a lot of you are pagans, I didn't want to get involved in having to sit and watch my faith be slagged off like that. I must have got something wrong though as none of you seem to mind your faith being slagged off.
I went to this person and tried to start a dialogue, I also asked them to stop slagging off paganism in our mutual friends spaces. I got a very hostile reply, where I was told I hadn't been invited to these convos anyway, so what was my problem.
This person is completely unaware that I have been friends with some of you for years, and thinks I am becoming friends in the last week only. So all our past history of friendship is completely gone.
It has been made clear to me though that some of you get more from this person then they get from me, so I guess its a case of boring friends out and new interesting ones in to take their place.
I am falling apart here, I am very depressed, and wanted to be welcome again in my friends convos. I need help, advice, support etc.
I see that is not going to happen as the new friend who slags off paganism is much more interesting than me.
Yes, I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but its hurts to see that suddenly you can be ousted so quickly. I wish I knew how to make myself interesting and worthwhile again, but I don't.
Which is why I am giving up, on my oldest friends here. Cause its tragic holding on when friendship has moved on, so I will get on with it and stop hanging on to friendship which has died.
Discuss this Journal entry [11]
Latest reply: Dec 22, 2004
Life, don't talk to me about life!
Posted Dec 22, 2004
My back is getting better a lot quicker than before! I won't push it though.
My relationship with Moonglum is not good at all. I want more attention, although I know he has a new job and needs to spend time on that. I don't mind that, he supports both of us. I want to be desired, and I want presents sometimes.
It feels shallow and materialistic to demand presents, but its what I want. He went to Lush and bought me stuff I don't use, when he knows my favs. I guess I should be grateful that its a start. After 8 years though, I just want him to pay attention and get me a good pressie.
The pressie is compensation for not being wanted in that way, maybe thats why it is important for me?
I need to spend some time getting my head together, and my body together actually.
You know, if I was independent and had work and enough money to live on, I am really not sure that I would still be with him. Thats a dreadful thing to say, isn't it?
Discuss this Journal entry [9]
Latest reply: Dec 22, 2004
Kaz
Researcher U182246
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