h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I do, I see what you writ
not ev'ryday I admit
more often than nowt though
I hope what I say
will leave you bereaved of all doubt

Thanks for your kind words.
My life today is for the birds.
Political strife and monsoon rains,
Invasive weeds and life's worst banes

I love you, I want you.
I need you to find my lost shoe.
Let's be united whenever we're benighted.
Let's try and be delighted at being foresighted.
I like watching you when your riding motorbike
and going on a hike to the Mardyke.
So come and watch Gerty and Berty
being shirty at being flirty at 6:30.

Maui is burning up.
Proof of guilt keeps turning up
For a former head of state
Who knows how to aggravate.

Should Ashington have a water pump?
Would we gather around it to blether?
Will be joined by the Supreme Mugwump?
And will we all talk non-stop about the weather?

Will Albus Dumbledore be able to create water?
And will it be the most tastiest ever?
Will Albus be able to turn into an otter?
Will this make people clever or live for ever?

"Harry Potter is a rotter."
So said Tom Riddle.
Hi diddle diddle.
He's a poor sport,
That Voldemort.

I just covered the walls with insulation
To take the heat out of the equation
Now I can't move around anymore
Because the stuff is blocking my door.

That's a tough situation, I know,
But things could be worse.
Your door could be blocked by snow.
They'd have to take you out in a hearse

The snow we get here is negligible
three inches considered a lot
Railway companies claim it's undrivable
Well, next day it has turned into snot.

Rain plus snow equals sleet.
It's slippery under your feet.
Be careful, my dear.
I'd pour you a beer,
But all that I have is [chose your own ending:

--whole wheat
--raw meat
--one large beet
--deceit
--rusty tap water [doesn't rhyme, but is more accurate than the others]

Brilliant!
- - -
I hail you with all the hail that I get
'twas hard and white - now just wet
it covered my street for a minute but now
all I have is drops on my brow

I sing of the Fall Equinox.
It slips in as sly as a fox,
The Summer ejecting.
The Yule we're expecting,
Then deep snow our neighborhood socks.

I know how snowfall can suck
it aggravates swan, hen and duck
but beautifies moist muck and mud
and bonnets of trucks and their hood

Robin Hood came back from the wood craving food.
But Lady Marian was not in the mood
The larder was empty
So it was all moot.

I'm Robin Hood
From yonder wood
With my little bow and arrow.

I shot a goose,
But he got loose.
We'll have to make do with a sparrow

I'm a goose with an arrow up my digestive tract
That improved my coefficient of friction as a matter of fact
Eat or be eaten is the old adage, it appears
Well Robin, I live, so I will be one of your biggest fears.
My beak will provide where your bow skills lacked

fruit flies like an arrow
if it misses them
not so much a sparrow
that might wreak mayhem

Fruit flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
My knowledge of fruit flies is narrow,
But I may know more manana

Strolling so happily down Bethnal Green
you may have seen a jolly lad.
Who always wanted to be admired when seen.
It made me feel so happy and so glad.

I was walking with Thomas Tompkins
and his lady wife lily who was so fair.
Thomas would take everything on the chin
as Lily began to compose herself for prayer.

I praised the Brotherhood of mutants
who are both steadfast, frank and free.
They never seen to bluster or to rant
but are always on a super-powers shopping spree.

Thomas got so angry speedily
as he put up his two fists to fight.
Thomas made the following decree
that he gained second sight.

All in a moment he landed me
two lovely black eyes.
It filled him with much glee
and it was a lovely surprise.
As Thomas found that he's got superspeed
which was impossible for me to dodge his punches.
When he both shocked and surprised me with his mutant creed
but after given two black eyes, I then gained psychic hunches.

Wherever I go with my corn pipe
with my sleeves all rolled up.
I am being chased by a Jack snipe
and my dear Labrador retriever pup.

I wear bell bottomed trews
and a well torn and ragged shirt.
As I sing the Navy blues
about the time I changed my name to Bert.

My muscles are shaped like bells
and I am covered in tattoos.
I can cast magic spells and smells
when I travel on a steam boat cruise.