h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I drive to the supermarket
In my car, so I park it.

We could have had it all at the annual Spring Ball
where those who are short in stature become very tall.
Just come to the Tuesday South Ockendon market stall
next to the former town's shopping arcade mall.

There is a feeling inside of me saying it's time for tea
and to learn how to water ski and shout whoopee at a manatee.
You will learn how to become fit as a flea and to become carefree
when having high tea with the marquis underneath a palm tree by the sea.

I've never been tall
(No, never at all).
On stilts I might stand,
But, on the other hand,

I'm nearsighted, so,
Keep watching the pavement below.
I think I'll stay short
And be a good sport.

Come with me and walk this way
to the cafe to meet up with Rey
by the bonnie Doon banks and braes
that will free you from your malaise
to help you face the dreaded Monday
where you comply the results from a sales survey

On this day
the 17th of May
you are welcomed to drink
to cavort and to sink
into a soft sofa
and check your calendar
till you find out
You're right about
the date not the month
and this does not rhyme
either

On jolly Saint Patrick's Day,
I was voted the Queen of the May.
My crinoline gown
got crimpled when blown
As I motorcycled the freeway.

Another day goes down in flames
in company of sluts and dames
A pirate has a hard time choosing
between the ones who are amusing

There are few pirates on the seas,
But here on land they crowd the ways,
Some politicians with law degrees,
And businessmen with MBAs.

Come and walk this way
to learn how to play croquet.
Listen to a historical talk
about lace making and crochet.

I went to Andover to me up with my old school friend Rey the drover.
Se told me that she will take me to the White Cliffs of Dover
to take part in a Dad's Army/Star Trek Deep Space Nine crossover
where there will be a 12foot floating futuristic high tech landrover.

It was in a large building by an alleyway near an archway on a grey day.
Fey who was dressed as a 40's soldier riding on her horse and sleigh.
Some played lawn bowels or a game of croquet during the delay
for the others to come for a bit of horseplay during the air display.

We all did our thing and danced to 40's big band Jazz Swing
wearing a lot of bling which included a garish big ruby and diamond ring.
So we were all in the mood as we sang about gathering lilacs in Spring
and we drank cocktails of Sloe Gin Fizz and a Singapore Sling

In a nearby inn there was a mighty din of a violinist playing in the garbage bin.
The violinist was feeling quite drunk after drinking too much gin .
Finn and Gwyn were wielding giant rolling pins at the kingpin who's having a spin.
Puffins appeared with theirs twin playing mandolins and violins dressed as bedouins.

The cos-play 1940's soldier was leaning against an artificial Cyprus cedar.
She was the military leader and was looking at a horse eating from his feeder.
There was a 2 foot bookworm that was a fast reader and a mind reader.
They all watched in awe as the puffins got batches of dough which they began to knead.

There was an argument which led to a pistols and swords at dawn duel.
This added much fuel to their dispute and argument by the swimming pool.
To add to the farcical scene there was a ghoul playing boules sitting on a stool.
They felt very hot and drank lots of mint julep with ice which helped them to get cool.

There was a chance of fine romance and a dance with Lance in the manse.
But they all ended up in a trance when taking their stance about using a lance.
There was a freelance journalist who glanced at the wide sea cliffs expanse.
Some were thinking of ways of improving their French when they visited France.

So come and walk this way to the Dover bay where donkeys love to bray.
Listen to horses neigh when they being to pray for lots of oats and hay.
Say hey to May and Ray who's on their way to the cafe by the seaside quay.
Sway with the blue jay at the cricket match play every week on Saturday.

I move on to something shorter
When a poem is too long,
But if you pay me a quarter
I'll listen to a lengthy song.

There is a village idyll where a cat plays a fiddle.
The cat told a riddle about living in an inn in the middle.
This happens every new moon in the month of June
making the villagers swoon at listening to this merry tune.

The inn's golden retriever laughed to see such fun
and jumped up in the air to go and catch a burger in a bun.
The cow curtsied and then made a bow at the farmers plough
whilst reciting the many proverbs from the writings of Tao.

The dinner dish ran away to the cafe where there was party
trays full of food consisting of fruit sorbets and savoury soufflés.
Then the spoon joined up with the dish who made wish for fish
and fruit jelly that squishes along with garlic flavoured kishke.

The dish ran away with the spoon.
The bowl ran away with the fork.
Neither arrangement was good,
They all changed partners in new York.

Chop-chop let's shop
for sticks and stones
for lil' lamb's chop
and bricks and bones

Ding dong dell,
Pussy's in the well.
Now she's out, catatonic,
Hardly supersonic.

A Jedi from Jeddah
was feeling much better
she fought down her flu
now she's better than you

Roses are red, violets are blue.
I told Mr. Grant, "I really want Hugh."

A Jedi knight met up with a barrow-wight
that moaned and groaned on its mobile phone.
This made the barrow-wight feel rather uptight
especially that they were both in the Twilight Zone
when they met up with a hermetical female anchorite
who could create a cyclone by playing the trombone.

Dancing in the streets, dancing in the rain?
Oh no, this walk was quite mundane.
He hobbled along clutching his cane
in boots made of leather brought back from Spain,
thinking of Dylan, the ghost of the vain,
milking the woods, feeding the sane,
this doubtless Thomas was combing his mane

I dance across the treetops,
Nibbling on coconut shells,
Training bananas in Special Ops,
Searching for the Book of Kells.