h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do vultures belong in a zoo?
They'd scare chimps and elephants too.
The zebras would hide,
And the pythons would slide,
And off hops the shy kangaroo.

I went to the Folies Bergeres
To see "Orpheus in his Underwear,"
A show for gents and ladies,
With various scenes in Hades.

Euridice crossed the Styx,
Which Orpheus tried to nix.
He exclaimed, "Alas, alack,"
Then he was off and back.

Ecuador's turtles
behold butterflies' beauty
and serve them their tears

- - -

(This haiku was inspired by a beautiful picture of butterflies drinking the tears of turtles' eyes somewhere in Ecuador. I may be projecting too much into this, but the thought of slow, earth crawling turtles, who can live "forever", being hopelessly in love with fairy-like short lived butterflies and (more or less voluntarily) feeding them life sustaining water with ... well, what would you do in a situation like that?)

Eccentric aliens telepathically communicating in technobabble
who are experts in word board games that includes Scrabble.
They are extremely advanced more than the alien race of Vulcans
who are experts in the ancient dance called the Can Can.
They have lots of very strange adventures visiting other planets
where they play a form of roulette and are members of the warp drive set.

Express your deepest thoughts in rhyme.
Don't hurry, kindly take your time.
They dissed you so in Junior High?
Raise it to an epic level, worth the try!

Hey Bub, I'm talking to you Bub!
Why are you hiding from me?
Why won't you join me in the pub?
Why won't you come with me to Dundee?
Is it because you are not a mutant?
Is it because you're don't like adventures?
Is it because you love to have a rant?
Is it because you've lost your dentures?

Mutants are rare, and they're usually hated.
Kids are unkind, and continue unabated.
Introduce yourself, try to be kind.
A stranger walks past, don't be blind.

Come and have a slice of seed cake
as we watch the ducks on the lake.
Sample some of my pumpkin bread
and a slice of apple and blackberry pie
underneath a mackerel sky

It's raining cats and dogs
And some walnut cheese logs,
And baloneys shaped like Meryl Streep.
Put what you don't want there in that heap.

Wolverine's imaginary friend Bub

Hey Bub, why do you always keep on hiding from me?
Why don't you want to join with me in afternoon tea?
Why don't you want to go on holiday with me to Dundee?
Why don't you want to go on a day trip with me to Southend on Sea?
Why don't you want to join with me in the hot tub at the local pub?
Why don't you want to come with me to the South Ockendon library hub?
Is it because you'd rather be with Bob the Hydra agent and Deadpool?
Is it because they look very cool when sitting by the swimming pool?
Bub don't you want to become an SHIELD agent or an Avenger superhero?
Are you going to get yourself a new identity and name of Dynamic Nero?
Are you going to get your new superpowers by taking cod liver oil?
Are you going to go in the kitchen and put the kettle on to boil?
Are you going to make a nice cup of Japanese tea or Brazilian coffee?
Are you going to start making your very own homemade butterscotch toffee?

I look so hot when sailing in my yacht.
I am free to go on a long shopping spree.
I get fraught when tying a granny knot.
I sit by the quay eat a slice of brie.

I think I am going to explode with psychic energy
from being in the sun and having lots of fun.
I communicate in Morse code when wailing like a banshee.
I eat a currant bun when I am dressed as nun.

Go and have small talk with a croc
about gawking at a hawk flying over a loch.
Walk this way around the neighbourhood block
when wearing a lady's smock when cooking with a wok.

On the Starschleppe Nutterprize,
The loony stars fill your eyes.
We've got Mr. Schlock,
And a kilt-clad doc.
A good word for Captain Kook is wise.

Bob the Street Cat had a shiny top hat
where he kept all his assorted tat.
He used it to store away all his toys
that filled with much joy.
He would sit and meditate on his mat
about eating a plate of sprats.
He then would curl up to have a nap
and dream about wearing a cloth cap.

Bob the Street Cat has a shiny top hat
where he keeps all his assorted tat.
He used it to store away all his toys
that fills him with much happiness and joy.
He would sit and meditate on his mat
about eating a plate of sprats.
He then would then curl up to have a nap
and dream about wearing a cloth cap.

My head is in a spin
whenever I've had too much gin.
My feet don't touch the ground
whenever I'm homeward bound.
Because you're near me
with a cup of tea.

My head goes round and round
when I'm with my Afghan hound.
My head is shaking baby
when I'm playing croquet.
My heart feels like a drum
whenever I'm eating a plum soaked in rum.

It feels like that I am in love.
It feels like that I am a turtle dove.
It feels like I am wearing only one glove.
It feels like that my happiness comes from above.

My knees shake whenever I'm eating a chocolate flake
when I am walking around the country park's lake.
It makes me want to sit down and talk to a drake
when eating a fish cake made out of hake.

Put your other glove on.
You're going to need it
When you climb Mount Everest,
So you won't get frostbit.

Mercury retrograde is a time for reminisce
the time you had your first sweetheart kiss.
It is a good time to give your home the retro look
even in the kitchen in the meals that you cook.
Wear psychedelic coloured 70's flares and kaftans
and go and customise your hippie camper-vans.
It’s the ideal time to learn about local history
and find about an angler that caught the biggest dory .
It's also the best time to find about your family genealogy
of a great aunt who had a tea shop in her beach house in Clacton on Sea.

Mercury retrograde is a time to reminisce
and remember when you had your first sweetheart kiss.
It is a good time to give your home the retro look
even in the kitchen in the meals that you cook.
Wear psychedelic coloured 70's flares and kaftans
as well as customising your hippie camper-vans.
It’s the ideal time to learn about local history
and find about an angler that caught the biggest dory .
It's also the best time to find about your family genealogy
of a great aunt who had a tea shop in her beach house in Clacton on Sea.

When Mercury Retrograde occurs,
You need to prepare for the worst,
When deals don't go through,
And flights go askew,
And progress goes into reverse.