h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

James Howlett has made a bet
that he'll become an animal vet.
But he's being held back by his friend Bub
who wants him to the run the supper club.
Bub also wants him to change his name to Logan
and sell bottles of fake tan out of a transit van.
But Wolverine still dreams of marrying Jean
who is known as the mutant dancing queen.

My gutter keeps on fluttering.
My window shutter keeps on muttering.
My door keeps on creaking.
My ceiling keeps on leaking.

I am in a hurry
I need some goat in curry
a flashlight and a dance
and a which will prance

Time is an illusion;
Lunchtime doubly so.
My life is confusion,
And yet away I go.

I remember you when you made my dreams come true.
In the darkest nights I can hear you calling me for a cup of tea.
So let's go to church and meet up with members of the favoured few
who talk about holidays by the sea organised by a wailing banshee.

Banshees take no holidays, it is said.
How can you celebrate with the prospective dead?

We do the Danse Macabre
Saint-Saëns comes marching in
we replace what we are sweating
with tonic and with gin

The Danse Macabre won't come again
'Til the 31st of month number ten.
The will play his old violin,
The demons will dance, an witches will spin.

In Scotland they would prefer whisky
as it makes the skeletons frisky.
They dance before the spectre of Death
who is known to only a few as Seth.
Last appeared in the Tales of Beedle the Bard
to three sorcerers who were quite avant-garde.

A UFO landed near Hogwarts. The aliens inside were wizards
from a distant planet. They were flying sorcerors.

In a thunderous storm
I lost my umbrella
It was eaten alive
by a killer chinchilla

Killer chinchillas? Say it's not so!
They're quite vegetarian, wouldn't you know!

A handful of leaves was what made my umbrella,
that was what attracted the killer chinchilla:
The leaves turned out to be made of pastrami
which seems to turn any rodent to zombie

Chinchillas have fur -- the world's softest, I hear.
Hunters have tracked them for many a year.
Most are endangered, except ones on farms.
A story so sad, let's sound the alarms.

The continuing saga of killer chinchillas
is told you from here to both posts and to pillars.
Beware of those rodents, those dangerous killers!
Take care when you go for spuds in your cellars!

They look so furry, and gentle and cute.
Killers? That thought has just struck me quite mute.
Say it's not so, oh piratical Pierce.
I hate it when cuties turn out to be fierce .

If that is so, oh dearest of paulh's
do not go down to the valley of dolls
drink an amount of sarsaparilla
and you will be safe from the killer chinchilla

A glass of Sarsaparilla
With a splash of vanilla
Will, with great velocity,
Assuage the chinchilla's ferocity.

The Moon came full circle last night
it rendered the light night quite bright
I drank a dozen sarsaparillas
and outran the ferocious killer chinchillas

By the light of the moon
I heard the loon
With its plaintive cry
Beseeching the sky.