h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's is going to be a good night
for my cat Simba to wear his top hat.
He'll become a real feline Jedi knight
who mediates daily on his yoga mat.

He also has many mutant powers
and is friends with the feline Dr McCoy.*
He can produce rain showers and fragrant flowers
as well as a Vision robot sentient toy.

*Dr Henry Philip McCoy aka Beast in the Marvel Comics founding member of the X-Men

Whenever I hear my cat hiss,
I think there is something amiss.
Is the pussy just bats?
Is it dogs? Is it rats?
I have a bad feline 'bout this.

Love is the one thing
that defies the laws of math,
because the more you share it,
the more it is doubled

Rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
Rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
Rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
Rubble sacks!

Tear each stinking plastic sack fresh off the roll.
Cut along the obvious seam.
Shake to make it open out then slash it some more,
now you only need a theme:

Rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
rubble sacks rubble sacks
painting on rubble sacks,
rubble sacks.

Some prefer their canvas or a stiff sheet of card,
some just use the back of a door.
In this situation, elements got their way;
something which withstands a storm.

Rubble sacks rubble sacks
piercing the rubble sacks,
rubble sacks rubble sacks
wrestling with rubble sacks,
rubble sacks rubble sacks
hanging the rubble sacks,
rubble sacks!

I said yup to my labrador pup
whenever I am visited by a sales rep
showing me a self cooking egg cup
and sharing me the latest hep.

I saw my neighbour Ed in my shed
trying to find all my lost garden tools.
But all he found was my bed spread
and pair of my green sparkling mules.

I sit in the rubble after the sack of Rome.
I'd like to hail Nero, say it was good to know'm,
But he couldn't decide what to be:
Violinist, Emperor, arsonist, VIP.

My love of my life is to listen to a collard dove
saying "You're dirty" every day at six thirty.
I hear it every day when I am sitting in the dove cove
hearing the bird utter "Gerty, you're so shirty and flirty".

A butterfly just fluttered by
showing me its colours
Spring has sprung, soon summer's sun
its fairy tales will tell us

Enjoy your self when putting up the kitchen shelf.
It is later than you think when you're having your last drink.
So don't forget to always look after your psychic health
by forging a mental link to an European mink when at the sink.

I want you to take a pew
and tell me what is your view
about waiting in a checkout queue
with members of the favoured few.

Calling Mister Spain travelling in a train
to join a campaign to drink British champagne.
Called Mister Vane who thinks he's a Dane
that removes stains using organic sugar cane.

My mama told me to say aha when playing a guitar
in a pub or in a bar where there's a naval tar
so as to help me become a successful star
in a musical about a czar running a bizarre bazaar.

I sing the body electric,
Gleaming from near or far.
After my lifetime so hectic,
I'll be recycled as a star.

Oh Mr Jones and his set of Clones.
Oh Mr Moans and his plate of scones.
Oh Mr Jim who can be quite grim.
Oh Mr Tim who cleans only using powdered vim.
Oh Mr Jack who only regularly sees a quack.
Oh Mr Mac and his tie rack and large potato sack.

I have got to tell you that Danny does not live anymore
since he left the village store due to the work being a chore.
He left so as to improve his rapport since he found life a bore
and now is living in a traditional log cabin on Barr's shore.

He told me that it does not really matter when the rain goes pitter patter.
When he has a good old natter with the island's town tailor and hatter.
We argued about the size of the local restaurant's dinner platter
as we heard the shop's shutters clatter caused by the ratter.

I have got to tell you that Danny does not live here anymore
since he left the village store due to the work being such a chore.
He left so as to improve his rapport since he found life a bore
and now is living in a traditional log cabin on Barra's shore.

He told me that it does not really matter when the rain goes pitter patter.
When he's having a good old natter with the island's town tailor and hatter.
They argued about the size of the local restaurant's dinner platter
as they heard the shop's shutters clatter caused by the ratter.

It's raining cats and dogs.
It's hailing cabs and busses.
I've got rain on my togs.
It's time for angry cusses.

Here comes Dr *Hank Philip McCoy
who can be very shy and very coy
about having his own toy
action doll that fills him with joy
just as he did when he got his powers as a boy.

*X-Man Beast

The real McCoy, the wrong McCoy,
And the lifelike decoy
Met one day in the Space Bar
And shared an enormous exploding cigar.

The feline looking Beast
is going to a magnificent feast
with members of the X-men in the Far East
where they worry or fret the least.

Like the bullet which went wide,
the worn off matchbox side,
the lion without its pride,
a twocker's joy without the ride,
like the diver with no air,
the gorgon with no glare,
the burst tyre with no spare,
and the weary with no lair,
like the oyster without grit,
my life is not the pits
but, as flatpacks miss odd bits,
I miss you.