h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Perhaps you're the only girl in the world.
The others were covered by deep drifts
Don't worry, they're sure to make more
As the ol' continental plate shifts.

There is snow on the mountains of Scotland
where they celebrate with a brass band.
The best places to ski are at Ben Nevis and Glencoe
where they will reward you chocolate and a stage show.

Has anyone spotted a yeti out yet?
The snow lies as deep as it's likely to get,
Snowangels are boring and my gloves are wet,
I really could do with a large furry pet.

I want you to have vegetable stew
from a Gnu called Hugh from a canoe.
I want you to sit praying in a church pew
with the members of the spiritual chosen few.

In God we trust, all others pay cash.
We wait in long lines. Our teeth we gnash.
Our trains get cancelled, our buses come late.
Oh, Nature -- bad mother! -- an undeserved fate!

If you change your mind
about eating orange rind.
Honey I have got the money
to go and make it very sunny.
I'm still free for afternoon tea
or a long Harry Potter shopping spree.
Take a chance on a long romance
when we begin our passionate dance.
If you want to learn how to go with the flow
with a man and his dog mowing a meadow.
I'll always be around the Galloway sound
where there is a giant mole mound.
If you have no place to go
when it starts to heavily snow.
So if you're feeling down wearing a brown gown
and being chased by an eccentric circus clown.

I travel down the country lane with my walking stick
which I use perform my favourite Harry Potter trick.
I felt rather cold so I sat down and shouted out incendio
at a pile of sticks by the road taught by my Dad Antonio.

Par-dan Dan did you say you had a plan
to go and drive your transit van
filled with cans of fake tan
and a cheese and onion flan
which you baked for your friend Fran?

Par-don Don did you say you were friends with Ron
who loves to yawn when watching an elegant swan
holding a wand shaped baton at the crack of dawn
when dressed in robes made of flowery pink chiffon?

Sing to me only if you agree
to come to me to the town of Bree.
We'll be meet up with Gandalf
and the reindeer known as Rudolf.

I could have it all at the Fall Ball in the village hall
by becoming more taller by dancing next to the wall.
You see there is a strange feeling inside of me
of a yearning to travel to the Scottish city of Dundee.
I don't know what to do when I become bored about romance
and anything to do with falling in love which involves dancing with a lance.

Don't you see what you've done
in the sun by calling everyone hun?
You call it fun by eating a bun
and chasing a nun with a ray gun!
You make a strange pun
about a baking a Sally Lunn
when eaten creates a web that stuns.

Sally Lunn baked a Lorna Doone.
Lorna Doone always liked Sara Lee.
Bismarck ate a Napoleon under the Moon.
What food should one offer Crocodile Dundee?

If in New York
a sausage of pork
with a bun
might have done

I don't know what I'm looking for.
I don't know what I've got.
I don't know what to get at the village store.
I don't know what to get to get rid of dry rot.
I don't know where I am at this present moment.
I don't know where I am going to do this evening.
I don't know where I am going to get a well built camping tent.
I don't know where I am going to go learn how to sing.
I don't know where I am going to find the last city gent.

I don't know what I'm looking for on my living room floor.
I don't know what I've got inside my luxurious yacht.
I don't know what to get at the village convenience store.
I don't know what to get rid of my persistent dry rot.
I don't know where I am at this present moment.
I don't know where I am going to do this evening.
I don't know where I am going to get a well built camping tent.
I don't know where I am going to go learn how to sing.
I don't know where I am going to find the last city gent.

A very few things do I know for sure.
Some are quite racy, others demure.
I'd give you the list, but privacy rules.
Besides, I'm afraid I am one of the fools.

Omniscientification
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

All I know
is what I do not know

but do you know
by saying so

I have described my lack of knowledge
as a kind of know-all-porridge

It's the time to sail down the river Tyne
as we wait to receive our divine sign.
It will guide us on our way in life
and help us to vanquish all our worry and strife.
We'll become more laid back by having a midnight snack
inspired by our dear friend Jack, the newspaper hack.

All that we think we know is
Subject to future re-evaluation.
New evidence may be bane or bliss,
And may require sedation.

Ride a bike to the valley Mardyke
to go and fish for freshwater pike.
We'll take our boxes of bait
and I'm sure our day will be great.
You can have one of my fishing rods
and a box of coffee maker pods.