h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My agent laughed til she cried.
"If you submit this, you should hide!
The plot is a goner.
Your prose has no honor.
Your protagonists should be fried!"

Fried prot-agon-istsss! Mmmmm
I think this is a hit not a miss!
A small pin-prick and one just one drop!
Just sign here with with your own red ruby blood!

>>>>>>>>>

"You want fries with that?"
Quoth the protagonist.
The irksome customer spat
And clenched his ugly fist.

"Fries? of course!" the oaf grunted,
Then waddled to a table nearby,
Where for ketchup he hunted,
Wolfing down his burger and apple pie.

my life is fried
like a battered fish
ready to be dipped
in hot oil

Rescue you, we must,
Before your life is a bust.
From frying pan to fire?
Don't want you to expire.
Might we put you on ice?
Would you think that nice?

I feel like riding a bike to Byker
or going to Walker as a groovy hiker.
I feel like I am alone with my clone
who's called Joan and who loves to moan
about me falling in love with a dove
and hanging out in the leavy mangrove.

Another foot of snow.
Curse the icy foe!
I shoveled all day.
Now I need Ben Gay.

being put on ice, i supose, is nice
can i have a coffee, before the offey?

Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why are you staring at the 7ft grizzly bear?
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why are you grinning at the kitchen bin?
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why are you sitting in the rocking chair in deep prayer?
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why are you making a loud din when playing the violin?

Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why do you act so funny when it's sunny?
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny why do you keep on dressing up as the Easter Bunny?
Is it because you want to make us lots of money to buy best tasting honey?
Is it because you are fed up with wearing clothes made of coarse gunny?

Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny, wearing a ladies fine silk flowered head square!
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny, with such fine fair hair who loves to dare!
Oh Johnny, Oh Johnny, why do you love to travel by car so far?
Is it because you want to become a very famous and loved movie star?

Johnny Depp will be starring as Tonto.
Let's all see "The Lone Ranger" pronto.
Let's see Armie Hammer.
I hope he won't stammer.
Perhaps it was filmed in Toronto.

Whilst the world is soundly fast asleep
the sheep will be leaping over a jeep.
And some will even be sitting in a zen pose
in their yoga clothes practising their poetry and prose.

Don't worry about not having enough money to buy the royal jelly honey.
Because it will be provided by the very generous Australian Easter bunny.
Don't worry about the cost of the goods when at last century's prices.
There will be lots of chocolate goodies and other wonderful surprises.

my hair grew two foot longer
while i slept last night
i'm hoping i will soon be stronger
like Samson an epic sight
please be don't point those scissors at me
i'm keeping my lion's mane
i'll say a prayer that my ears shrink soon
your voice makes my head pain

I don't know if it's right or wrong
to sing about my time in Hong Kong.
Where I fell in love in a mangrove
in my search of a long lost treasure trove.
It was with Ernie my travel guide
who still loves to play on the banana slide.

It's a strange far distance romance
but it's my only one serious chance.
So I'll sing this song and it won't be long
as I 'll be hitting the Hogwarts's dinner gong.
It will be time enough to practise my parseltongue
as it makes me feel so healthy and young.

( I am the Potions teacher at Hogwarts)

Growing your hair long is not the only way of getting super powers.
Another way is buy picking garden flowers or climbing up castle towers.
You can get super strength by becoming like the Green Hulk or like Wolverine.
You can even get enhanced dancing skills which will make you the Dancing Queen.

I am born free to do as I want and please.
I am born free to sail and explore the seven seas.
I am born free to go on a super powers shopping spree
I am born free to to lunch and to have afternoon tea by the river Dee.
I am born free to explore the universe from my queen sized bed.
I am born free to wed Ted, Ned and Jed in my garden shed.

If potions worked, they'd be great.
They don't work. I'll accept my fate,
Making the best of things each day.
A good cup of coffee makes me say "Hurray!"

I’m partial to a good cup of
Tea works wonders in jollying me
So, should I hear a distant “Hurray?”
I’ll know paulh, is enjoying a coffee today