h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Magneto and Slughorn and Rincewind
Sit eating artichokes and tinned
Sardines. Granny Weatherwax arrives
With sixteen great humming hives.

Let us join together in reaching out to our higher cosmic consciousness.
Let us empower ourselves and each other as we transcend time.
Let us embrace our natural adventurousness and our curiousness.
Let us celebrate our eccentricity by going from the ridiculous to the sublime.

There's so much to do at Marty Mclarty's grooviest and hippest party.
There's a labrador dog jogging on a log whilst drinking a glass of eggnog.
There's the cool arty set being hale and hearty and being very smarty.
There's Nog the Ferengi praticising his dialogue outside in the fog

Once I worked on a long and unyielding rail road
with a toad who loved to goad me about living in a leafy abode.
I worked with the toad in the fierce glare of the sun
where we get our daily fun by playing about with a water gun.

If eccentricity you'd celebrate,
You'd not do any better
Than nail prunes to the garden gate
And ride an Irish setter.

Wade Wilson is the Grand Master of the Pun.
He is a lot of fun when fighting in the sun.
His mutant nickname and moniker is Deadpool
and he loves to play the fool when lying by the pool.
They say he is the mercenary with the big mouth
but he is rarely uncouth because he is from the deep South.

Beware of the Blob named Bob
who has an exploding key fob.
He moans and sobs at the kitchen hob
cooking his freshly picked corn of the cob.

Blackberry pie, blackberry pie.
Today you are young. Tomorrow you die.
Ruffles and lace, ruffles and lace.
Life is so short, it's an awful disgrace.

Let us focus our thoughts on the law of attraction
where we'll learn the fine art of numerical subtraction.
We'll find our financial rewards through our superhuman actions
by studying hard over our compound and complex fractions.

Rediscover yourself by learning to be comfortable in your skin.
And through this you will put a new spin on life's chaos and din.
You will able to turn a chagrin into a full and happy grin
when attempting to learn to play the guitar or the violin.

So come and take the journey to discover the universal truth
where those who are called Ruth all have a very sweet tooth.
They all have hired sleuths to discover the fountain of youth
who are rewarded with cases full of bottled vermouth.

You will become open to the cosmic knowledge and understanding
in all your endeavours and actions which will become totally outstanding.
Through your resolve your inner vision will begin greatly expanding
even though you may falter and may end up having a crash landing.

You will become totally serene as you embrace a life full of inner peace.
You will wear two piece suites that never ever get dirty or crease.
You will make friends with gulls, herons, swans, ducks and geese.
This will give you a sudden urge to visit the lands of Tunis and Greece.

Blink and I’m gone
A decision made
Gone wrong
Only to fade

Yet, I will be back
Now
You’ve lost the knack
Old age, that’s how

So prepare
Make use of the present
Don’t lack to care
It’s only once sent, what? A moment

Let us be open to the good omnipresent vibrations.
As we become swept with it's powerful healing waves
that'll free us from our stress and frustrations.
And through our dreams we'll enter inter-dimensional caves
as we meet our animal guides to aid us in our meditations.
We'll have bizarre encounters with beings from the Ether
who wear long flowing robes made of strange coloured leather.
You'll meet them in their daily work of shaping wood on the lathe
or sitting in a full lotus position chanting "Dave is brave".

White is the color of snow and death.
See in the coffin a corpse's white face.
Captain Smith sees iceberg, holds breath.
White-sided Titanic to oblivion must race.

Oh that chilly sea
Where hardened fish’s be
Not the place for me
Not even a toe the sea will see

Come and join in the Collective Consciousness
where people bless each other in full dress.
They tackle their worry and their stress
with their elegance, flair and finesse.
When they are working at the printing press
they confess the times they transgress
by failing to water their salad cress.
By doing this it will aid their financial success.

So let us join the wondrous paradigm shift
by entering the cosmic inter-dimensional lift.
It will make us all an incredible thrift
as we encounter the all knowing chimney swift .
So let us be thankful for this wonderful gift
and let our dreams and our aspirations drift
to aid us in healing all those who feel are feeling miffed.

As we improve our evolving non verbal communication
it will help us find our life's purpose and vocation.
And we'll be rewarded with a much need vacation.
This will bring out our homo superior DNA mutation
as it will propel us to great things bringing admiration
of our peers as they join with us in our evolution celebration.
And through this there will be an end to all tyranny and exploitation.

Can you make a cup of tea?
My hands feel like they've been at sea!

Blink!
The little LED said something now to me:
Blink!
I don't remember touching the caps lock key!
Blink!
Is there a problem inside i don't see?
Blink!
A mystery?
Blink!
It really doesn't bother me.
Blink!
Do you smell something funny?

Blink! Blink!

A warning light is alright
As long as it isn’t on
Will give a fright when in sight
And cost a pretty song

The collective subconscious
Had no effect on Pontius
Pilate when judging Jesus.
[Please pass the cheeses.]

I've got a funny feeling that I've been dancing on the ceiling
which has given me a strange urge to take part in distant healing.
I've also found that I'm now deeply involved in dealing in Darjeeling tea
which I sell whenever I'm visiting the town of Southend on the Sea.
And as a result I find I'm always covered in sweet potato peeling
as my emotions go reeling which makes me start loudly squealing
like a banshee who's been on a huge high fashion shopping spree.

Your squealing leaves me no choice but
To put on my earmuffs, which are green,
While sit in my expensively-designed hut
And eat a great big juicy tangerine.