h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There’s a lot of heading being talked about
I like to stand still and shout
Lets others do all the passing by
All that walking its tiring, that’s why

All I want to do is fly right up to the highest part of the sky
wearing my favourite emerald coloured neck tie whenever I sigh
about not able to get enough berries to make raspberry & blackberry pie.
It will be such a dream if it could eat it with Devonshire clotted cream
and make the hobbit's way of life my purpose and my life's theme.

(all previous entries provided inspired by the rock anthem "the final countdown" which I can't get out of my head.)

It's the final countdown of the crown wearing clown
who's like to frown a lot when walking around town.
Then moan about garden gnomes made of pewter and chrome
whenever they are on the phone talking to their friend Joan.

There’s a fence at the bottom of our garden
Don’t say a lot, not even, “pardon”
Just stands there, looking quite glum
Made of wood it is, lifeless and numb
I’m going to stain it today
Bet it will enjoy that, in some strange kind of way
It can stand there after, looking brand new
Won’t say a lot, not even, “thank you”

Most fences will rarely talk.
More rarely still will fences walk,
But most gates with ease
Will swing in the breeze,
And even take trips to New Yawk.

Here comes the courageous Captain Zero
the ultimate comic Superhero.
His real name is Nero De Niro
and amazes people when he makes it snow.

My hedge just stares at all who pass by.
And the garden gate creaks in the wind
whilst the tree branches wave at the sky
in their rapturous frame of mind.

Come with me sailing on Moonlight Bay.
The music is soft, the champagne is okay.
We both will get tipsy, hen roll in the hay.

"hen" should have been "then"

I listen for the morning post
whilst eating a plate of buttered toast.
I know it will be all junk mail
advertising the latest PC software that'll never fail.

I look out at the morning sun
hoping that the day will be full of fun.
Gazing at the spider's web intricate work of art
fills with a much needed boast and kirk start
to my day and a sense of wholeness and serenity
with Mother nature and her purity and divinity.

It was a specialty tea shop On a side street
In the historic district. I was dead on my feet.
Windows with lacy curtains. Elegant booths.
Starched white linen napkins. I read the menus.

Realitea: contains ingredients you wish to deny.
Cavitea: much too sweet; have a dentist nearby .
Depravitea: only served in a windowless salon.
Amitea: best drunk by friends who get along

Once you used to keep me satisfied by telling how well I look
and fawning over the latest reviews of my superpowers manifestation book.
But know I realise that everything you said to me was a big fat lie
and that you never liked my cooking especially my shepherd's pie.

I am going to walk out the door and take my things from the kitchen floor.
It will make my spirits soar when I let out my inner lioness roar.
I won't turn around with out making a sound as I hold my ground
wearing my superhero spandex costume with my faithful Afghan hound.

I had so much to give but the only thing you got me was a flour sieve.
You even talked in your sleeping shouting out, "Viv, please forgive".
So I am going to join up with Dan Dare and the cool cunning Clive
to teach members of the Borg hive to dance the groovy and hip jive.

I will survive and I will greatly thrive by greeting everyone with a high five.
I will go in my retro Sinclair C5 down my drive shouting out, "Gordon is alive!"
This make make the ground rumble making all politicians feel very humble
along with tabloid journalists and bankers who'll start to grumble when they tumble.

for the mistake but I feel drunk with tiredness and it that should have read: "This will cause the ground to rumble making all politicians feel very humble
along with tabloid journalists and bankers who'll start to grumble when they tumble."

The paparazzi came to call.
I'd nothing scandalous to show.
They filmed the clutter in my hall,
And captioned it "On Drifters' Row."

Protests I made, which they ignored.
I threatened lawsuits, but they laughed.
The tabloids showed them. I felt gored.
And that's the reason I'm so daft!

I feel like that I am top of the planet
like a giant gannet eating a pomegranate.
I feel like I am riding a motorbike
being chased by a shrike into a river dyke.

On the road with Sal, Carlo and Dean.
Across the continent many times.
Living life to the fullest in between,
Then settling down in tamer climes.

The long and winding road goes ever ever on
on my journey to meet up my friend Ron.
He will take me over hill and mountain
to a place where there's a healing fountain
in a leafy wold nearby the rock and tree
where hobbits relax by partaking in afternoon tea.
And where dwarfs sit playing on a flute and trombone
as they reminisce about the much heralded arkenstone.

Through dark, dank caverns and eerie desolated woods
we will soldier on wearing our weather beaten cloaks and hoods
to meet our fate of the mighty and fierce Smaug the dragon
and with the fall of this worm we'll sup wine from a flagon.
And after our long trials and battles we'll journey home
to enter all the wondrous adventures in a giant tome
before we say our farewells and go on our separate ways
as we look out toward the setting of the sun and it's dying rays.

This is the final version:

Through dark, dank caverns and eerie desolated woods
we will soldier on wearing our weather beaten cloaks and hoods
to meet our fate of the mighty and fierce, Smaug the dragon
and with the fall of this worm we'll sup the finest wine from a flagon.
We say our farewells and go on our separate ways
as we look out towards the setting of the sun and it's dying rays.
And after our long trials and battles we'll journey home
where Bilbo will write his wondrous adventures in a giant tome.