h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hahahahhahahahhahha cheeky monkey hahahahhaha They CRIED up home the day I left hahahahhahahha Hope your OK ?Hope your weeks going better than mine !! STRESS ! Hope the weathers better down there too ? Speak soon Ham,sorry this is is a quickier quickie than normal !!! hahahhaha I KNOW WHAT I MEAN !!! hahahhahahha I'll write later Lots of Love Wor Jackie xxxxxx

Hey up Pinky, sorry to be so tardy, we've had a busy weekend of it, my daughter (who lives just behind us) had a young lad from Russia arrive and we've been more or less full-time entertaining him, it's one of those school things, he's from the Chernobyl region, but a bonus is that we don't have any trouble spotting him after dark! He's here for four weeks, Misha. Also my grandson had his birthday party on Saturday, you know they hire the leisure centre these days and have trampoline parties and the like, his birthday isn't for a couple of weeks but my girl always goes a mile over the top, anyways mate, I'm off to Bucks now, and I'll do some random jottings later at the ratepayers expense, if it's quiet, nobody seems to be going mad anymore, except me! See you later, Ham.

And here I am in stormy Bucks, it's stotted down but it's oppressively warm, we're all sitting here perspiring. How you getting along, had a frantic weekend? My missus has just booked my mother in law on a flight in a couple of weeks, she's coming from Newcastle to Heathrow, its only about £75, you can get it a lot cheaper than that but of course we've got to be specific about the time. I bloomin hate driving up there, so it's money well spent. She's in her late 80's so that isn't bad, this will only be the second time she's flown, first time on her own apart from the broomstick. I'm working till Friday, I'm really rueing the time I wasted when I was 'retired', I haven't got out on my bike for months, moan moan moan Pinky, that's all I do! I've just learned 'the Runaway Train', trickier than you might imagine, switch from a minor key to major after the first verse, 'Twas in the year of 89......' etc, to 'the runaway train came down the track and she blew', etc. What on earth for? I here you ask. Well, its the Bunkfest, this great folk festival they have in Wallingford, features the singing train. I told you about this last year didn't I? And I thought I would be really clever and do a lot of train songs. Hence the Runaway Train. I'm not doing'Down at the station, early in the morning, see the little puffa billies all in a row,' that would be just childish........... When you heading South? Ham.

Hi Ham,no apology needed to me ! I KNOW how life gets at times ,espiecally the week-ends.Yours seems to have been even busier than mine !! Birthday parties for you and me,mine was an adult one,my sister Roz,we went out for a meal ,then for some STRANGE reason,everyone landed back at my house AGAIN !! hahahahha I've JUST finished tidying up the aftermath !!!A good time was had by all ,according to the amount of booze not left ! I'm sure your party was equally as successful ! Happy birthday to your grandson when it IS his real birthday ! ......I escaped the Lancashire County Show (for now) it was cancelled,rain stopped play (Somebody up there likes me ) I did get a chance to get some gardening done,luckily..We've just experienced a thunder storm here Ham,the worst I've ever known (including the one's we get up home ) Horrendous ! The sun has shone all day,and it's humid,even after the storm !! I did check out flights from B/pool to London,funnily enough Ham ,the trouble is,my brother also hates the drive from Shepherds Bush to Heathrow.I could drive to London ,but it's parking ! I can't park for toffee hahahah (SERIOUSLY )Looks like it's the train !! Not sure when yet ! I hope your mother-in-law enjoys her stay. Be gentle with her OK ? hahahaha ...So,you've got your own illuminations going on down there then ?? Imported from Russia too ! There's posh mind ! Can he speak English ?OR,is that the purpose of his visit ,to improve the language ? I hope your putting on your southern drawl mind ,and not your broad Geordie accent ? The poor lad won't understand a word hahahahhaha Ermmm,oh yes,taking advantage of your retirement !!!! Hate to say.....'I told you so' but,I did hahahahhaha I'll write tomorrow my dear friend ,you take care ! Love Always Pinky I mean Jackie (GOD,it gets confusing in here sometimes hahahahha) xxxxxxxxxx

PS.I've really thought very hard about this Ham before answering ! Last year ? The train ? I know nothing about it ,but if it's anything to do with the train I'll be catching down to London,you be careful Bonny Lad OK ? hahahahhahahahhahhaha Your gonna HAVE to explain this ! I'm clueless ! Thomas the Tank ? No,you've got me ,I do know the Runaway Train though ! Chatanooga Choo Choo ? You'll have to let me know what this is about Ham ,SORRY ! Lots of Love Jackie xxxxxxxxxx

The Singing Train man, there's these enthusiasts run a branch line between here and Cholsey, only 5 miles away, I'm off there to work in a minute actually, on the Bunkfest weekend you take your guitar along and entertain the trippers on the train, you go to Cholsey, you come back, it is a good laugh actually, I could have sworn I mentioned it last year, but I had a long conversation with a professional organist on here and it might have been him! You could get the underground into London from Heathrow, but no doubt you'd be weighed down by hat boxes and crinolines. Yes young Misha talks good English, so I'm told but he's a bit shy. They took him to Mcdonalds yesterday, which apparently is a real treat for him, the nearest one to him is in Minsk (MacMinsk?)
150 miles away. Actually the first time I went to Mcdonalds was in Canada with the kids, it must have been 1974, hadn't heard of them then, and look what's happened since! I wouldn't go near one now but the kids do like them for a treat. The power of advertising eh? Eeee, got to dash, speak to you soon, Ham.

Hi Ham,now as unbelievable as this sounds ,we've only been conversing with each other since January of THIS year !! Oh,it's OK,don't worry,I realise it seems like a lifetime to you Bonny Lad ,life gets hard sometimes.I feel for you pet,the suffering some men have to face eh ? hahahahhahhahha The train sounds fantastic ,I wish it ran from Blackpool to London,a fun journey on public transport,now that would be a novelty !I've never heard of it Ham,wouldn't you think they'd do this all over the country ? When you retire,we should start a business, Sir Richard Branson ,look out,the N/East Line isa comin!I think it's great idea ..Get practising that 'Runaway Train'asap OK? You play it,I'll sing it !!! I bet it's a wonderful day out Ham !.... Ermmmmm,'PUBLIC TRANSPORT'! The underground ? Now divna get us wrong hinny,I'm not posh like BUT,can you actually see me alighting a TUBE in my crinoline ? PLEASE !!!! I don't do public transport,unless absolutely necessary Ham,and even then, I take antiseptic wipes with me !!! hahahahahhahaha Truly though I haven't been on a bus for eons hahahahhahahhaha I'll get a cab !! OR walk ,hat boxes and all !!! hahahahhaha ...... Hope Misha enjoys his stay by the way Ham,if nothing else,I'm positive after a few hours with you,he'll overcome his shyness.Russia may never be the same again upon his return hahahhaha Bless. Right,I'm away to the wholesalers ! I'll write tomorrow,cos you need me,even if it's only to turn the weeks into years SLOWLY !!! hahahahahaha Take Care Ham Lots of Love Jackie xxxxxxxxxxx

Well aaav got me bus pass hinny an a havvint used it yit! Pinky if they were stuck on a train with me between Blackpool and London they'd be chucking themselves on the line. Is it only since January we've been talking? Well it's been lovely anyways, I'm back in Bonny Bucks today, quiet as yet again, just got to check somebody out this afternoon, which is lovely. I'm going to a rock concert next weekend, they call it Music on the Hill, at Watlington, right in the Chilterns, it's a nice civilised little gathering actually, they don't advertise, they don't even tell you who is on, but it's always good. I remember seeing that band 'Dodgy' there when they were at the height of their fame, and they were great. My missus is backing out at the thought of camping given the weather situation, similarly our gig on Friday could be well compromised by the weather, the forecast for Friday is awful. That'll be four gigs that we've done that have been badly affected, but that school gig we did raised £1500, and they were well pleased. Friday is a good laugh, if the band are talking to each other, it's a rugby festival for veterans, there's more cardiac arrests and broken bones than rugby, silly old so and so's, I knew when it was time to call it a day, it's a fit mans game rugby, if you ain't up to it you get hurt, but they have a lot of fun. There's a mob turn up from Bristol who are complete crackers, we had stage invasions and everything last year, and that's just the women! See you soon, Ham.

Hi Ham,thankyou for your msg ,so good as always,to hear from you ! You lead such an exciting life !! However did I cope before January I wonder ???The 'Music on The Hill'sounds fascinating,can't say I blame your wife mind,she sounds a very sensible lady !!! WHY camp out on damp ground when you can be tucked up in your own comfy bed ? Makes sense to me,you probably wouldn't understand Ham,being a man hahahahhaha ! Hope you have a fabulous week-end anyway !....The charity gig was a success then,even though though the weather has caused chaos for so many events this summer Ham ? One thousand,five hundred pounds isn't to be sniffed at by any charity these days !! Well done you ! ...I DO for charities now Ham,I don't just give money,I do flower demonstrations to raise money (mainly for the blind,I confess)I also visit a blind home for children,as often as I can,and teach them colours with flowers ,it's wonderful Ham,the bairns are amazing ! I've truly HAD to restrict my charity work,it got to a stage where it was just getting out of hand..I decided,the blind home,here in Blackpool,was to be my 'baby'.The big charities do OK,they have celebs or royalty fronting them.I decided to continue my work for the smaller ,local places that are desperate for help ! God,you must think I NEVER shut up hahahhahahahhaha I do you know,when I'm asleep hahahhahahhahahha The trouble is Ham,I rarely sleep hahahhahahha Me Mam reckons I'm hyperactive hahahaha I reckon,I'm overworked !!! OK,I'll write tomorrow,oh yes I will hahahahha You take care,speak soon Lots Of Love Pinky xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Ham,just checking in to make sure your OK ? Another sunny day here today,it doesn't seem right....the calm before another horrendous storm .... I'll catch you later.Take care Lots of Love Pinky xxxxxx

Hi Ham,just wondering if your all OK down there ? Hope you've managed to avoid the floods ? I worry. Speak soon ! Lots of Love Pinky xxxxxxxx

Me Again ! I'm fearing the worst Ham ! I'm positive it's your area thats caught some of the flooding ? Hope I'm wrong ! Thinking of you Lots of Love Pinky xxxxxxxxxxx

Nah Pinkness, the flood meadows at Wallingford always do their job, thank God they're there, they wanted to build on them years ago and there was such an outcry, now I realise what all the fuss was about. Abingdon has been really badly hit with the worst to come apparently, we had to move several people out of some of our properties so it's been a bit hectic. Anyhow I've got a day off today, feels kind of strange. Got our new boiler fitted, I'm well pee'd off to be honest, I really could have done it myself without any trouble, but to be fair they had it done in half a day, I'm just waiting for the electrician to come now to put the programmer in and commission it, again, I did all my own electrics last time, and they were much more complicated then, now you just stick the right pipe in the right hole, (oo er missus) and it's all in the boiler, piece of cake. The weekend was taken up with my gig, which went great to be honest, I was amazed at how many people turned up, and I flatter myself that it was cos we were on, it was heaving and we had them dancing big time. I managed to get a bashed lip when an over-exuberant young lady collided with my mike stand and the mike smacked into my gob, but hey, that's rock and roll. Our bass player lives in Warwick, and the silly so and so set out to try to get to us. He ended up standing on the car roof about five miles from home waving a bass and mandolin to attract attention! A tractor pulled him out, his car got towed away and impounded by the police, and of course the car is a write-off! There's dedication for you. The rest of the weekend we've been entertaining young Misha, took him to football on Saturday, Sunday they had a skittles night up at the sports club for them, and it was great to see a bunch of them together, he's been lovely but quiet, but when there's a gang they go berserk! Interestingly, no one was around to open the club, which was no sweat as they played football on the pitch, but it transpired that the steward who is a mate of mine has managed to gamble away £30,000 of the club's money. He's not around anymore obviously, so the committee are filling in, but it's my main drinking den and of course so many of the sports clubs in the town rely on it, soccer, rugby, tennis, squash cricket, hockey, skittles, but of course the biggest victim is young John himself, two young kids, nice family, both sets of grandparents heavily involved in the club, everyone's baffled but I could tell them gambling is the biggest addiction of all, I really feel for them. My spark has just pulled into the drive, I will try not to be so neglectful, I'd much rather be 'sparking' with you! Ham.

Thank heavens for Wallingford flood meadows Ham.Me Mam DID tell me ,but hey ho,when did I ever listen to me Mam eh ? (If only I had hahahahha) How lucky we are,so much heartache and desolation countrywide Ham.With more misery to come by the forecast !....I'm thrilled to hear the gig went as well as it did Ham,to be perfectly honest,I did have my doubts it would even go ahead with the floods.A bashed lip seems well worth nursing after such a successful event ,and think of it this way Ham...something to hold that memory for awhile longer eh ?hahahahhahahha Sorry to hear about the bass player though,poor lad ! There's no justice if you ask me ! ....Also, it was sad to read about your friend John,it's an addiction I can well understand Ham ,just one I've had no experience of in my life,thankfully.I've heard about,and know of people who's lives have been turned into chaos all because of gambling,like you said,you've got to feel sad for the guy,and his family ! The committee,it would seem to me, are going to have too write the money off ! That'll be long gone ! ....OK,this is going to take most of your day up if I don't stop writing now Ham hahahahhahahha.I could talk to you for hours honestly (oooooopsey,I do hahahhahahaha) I'll write again tomorrow ! Hope your sparky arrived and did a good job ? Thats the heating and water sorted for winter Ham (I KNOW you wanted to fit the boiler yourself hahahahhaha you've told me before.Your keeping a guy in work,thats your good deed done for MONTHS now )I'm going..H2G2 won't be able to cope with us soon hahahahhahahha Take care ! Catch you later Lots Of Love Pinky xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hey Pinky, the floods hit Wallingford today apparently, they've evacuated some people but we're fine, we're about 2 thirds of a mile from the river on slightly higher ground, it's actually a magnificent site, the meadows on the Crowmarsh side, are flooded back a long way, certainly the worst I've seen it in summer, apparently the river rose a foot between eight and nine this morning, but nothing compared with Oxford, Henley might be interesting though. I'm working in Bucks today, I'm covering the whole of Buckinghamshire as the Aylesbury office is crippled by pressure of work, but just an hour to go and then I'm out of it. Unless someone's lying on the railway lines or swinging an axe in the town centre, I'll pass it on to the out of hours team. That's the nature of duty work, you're either in it up to your neck or you're twiddling your thumbs, I must say I prefer the latter! It's mad, I've never done less work and I've never made so much in my life, what a blooming mug I've been. I heard a bit of a a programme on R4 earlier, they were talking about how work shapes our identity, and you know it's true. I don't ever remember having a job I enjoyed, my missus says I always moaned, but you know even when I was on the tools I was working shifts, 70 or 80 hours a week, sometimes more. Yet if there was no overtime I was moaning about that as well, I was always giving the bosses grief for extra hours! See, I was never a workaholic, just an insecure greedy so and so, hence the moaning, I didn't want to be there but I couldn't help myself! Anyways it can't go on forever, but I'm not half as apprehensive as I was when I was bending your pretty little shell-like about my worries just after I 'retired', I know I don't have to be the big I am now, I know I said that was the case at the time, but it wasn't true. Now I've tested the water I'm a lot more confident, and I still fancy doing a bit of maintenance, I always enjoyed the company of other working lads, (you know what I mean, I know you do,) and I'm still pretty handy with a tool in my hand. (oo er missus!) Well Pinkness, that's a little reverie I've just written there, completely egocentric but it does me good sometimes, Tell me about yourself and get your own back!! Your pal, Ham.

Just so you know Ham,you can bend my ear anytime you like OK ? Thankyou for the msg (or essay,which ever,it's all good as far as I'm concerned) I know what your saying Ham,and I can understand what they were explaining on R4 about how jobs form our identities,to a degree ! I worked in the Civil Service,and hated every moment,from start to finish...I was sad depressed,unbearable to live with (MORE than usual I mean) I now do a job I love,I'm still unbearable to live with hahahahahhahha I just think it's the way most of us are conditioned to think ! You know,if we're working,it's good,if we're doing a worthy job,we're respected by our families and peers ! It's a 'pride thing'I think Ham ! Even when we're fine upstanding members of society,earning high wages,doing a job we love,I still think people moan,complain and sometimes,feel unsettled and unhappy about their lot ! We're only human,it's in our nature, wanting the impossible !! When we're grafting we want retirement,or the lottery.When we're not working,we feel guilty,and all the money in the world doesn't bring happiness (I'm not speaking from experience with that last remark mind hahahahhaha) It's how we are !I personally think,all sorts of things help to shape our identities.Work,is an important part of it,I admit !....So,you want to know about me eh ?hahahahhahahha OOOoooOOOoooooooo,how long have you got Bonny Lad ? hahahahhahhaha I have two wonderful,fabulous,adorable ,fantastic bairns (well,they're growing up now) I worship, adore and love with every breath I take ..Naturally,they despise me,most of the time hahahahaha They're worse than Hollywood Brats,spoiled,ruined,and completely selfish..they're amazing,one boy,one girl.....The love of my life,is my dog,our Gucci (I KNOW,designer dog,what can I say ? And you wonder where the bairns get it from eh ?hahahahhaha) A Staffy Bull,she looks ferocious,threatening,and really,she's as soft as clarts Ham ! But she looks the part hahahhahaha I do my Tai Chi,my painting (when I can,so rarely)I read,I love walks,espiecally in the coutryside,I drive (I KNOW, people crazy but hey ho,none of us are perfect right ? hahahahha) I think the best thing to do here,if you intend to leave the computer at SOMETIME today,is just ask me anything you want to know OK ? I don't mind Ham,I am pretty normal I think you'll find hahahahhahahhaha Hey,thats my explanation and I'm sticking to it OK ? hahahahhahhaha You take care xxxxx See you later Lots of Love Pinky xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pinky you're full of surprises, and Staffordshires are the scariest things on the planet, my mate Ronny had one when we were kids, and he had the darned thing trained to go for you if he looked at you in a certain way, I know this is true I saw him do it, Patch it was called, I still have nightmares about it! And you're a mum too, I would never have guessed don't know why. I've got my ma in law arriving on Sunday, always a stressful time I promise you, but she's knocking on a bit now and we gotta do what we gotta do. Well, we're going to a rock festival tomorrow, Music on the Hill, still don't know whose on, but there's a gang of us old rugger muggers going so we'll have lots of geriatric fun. I used to think old men whooping it up trying to recapture their youth was a bit pathetic, it's quite good fun actually, but when I've had a few drinks these days I can't stay awake long enough to get into mischief, Worse Luck! Have a great weekend, I think I'm OK for work till November at least, I don't know whether to laugh or cry but the money's nice. Hey I wasn't trying to intrude in any way, you're fine by me, I tend to yap about myself a heck of a lot but I'm OK really. More introspective ramblings soon, watch this space, Ham.

Hi Ham ,thankyou for your ever welcome msg !! And don't worry,it's fine,the bairns don't think I'm a Mam either ,one word from me and they walk all over me like a doormat,I'm quite used to it now pet hahahahhahahhaha I LOVE kids ,I just couldn't eat a whole one thats all hahahahhahahha (not from the want of trying Ham ,trust me hahahaha)....Well how can I convince you my Staffy really IS as soft as clarts ??? The new postman ,was scared to death of her with his first encounter,now,he comes everyday even if he has no bills for me,he adores her !!!! She's fabulous with children,she just despises (with a passion),other dogs....Anyway,enough of me and mine....It would take VOLUMES Ham hahahahhaha Have a great time at the rock festival (I'm pea green with envy hahahahha) Hope your mother-in-law has a good flight,and I hope you have a safe journey upto Heathrow !! Take care OK ? Speak soon ! Lots of Love Pinky xxxxxxxxxxx PS.Good to know the work is there until Nov.,once Novemeber is here,just you wait and see !! They'll want you to stay on ....I would !

PS I CAN spell November hahahahahha It sort of looks better with an extra E,don't you think Ham ??? hahahahhahaha See you soon xxx

Hi Pinky, no the flight is delayed and I'm sitting waiting for my missus to get back with her mum as I write, last I heard she was three hours late. I would have went but I'm shockingly badly hung over cider and stout (Black Velvet) all day yesterday. The music was good though, do you remember John Otway? Crazy guy, had a few hits in the early 70's, my favourite of his was one called 'Head Butts', he was hilarious. There was a great band of Jewish cockney guys, I heard a programme about them on radio four a few months ago, great interesting music, and again really funny with it. I vaguely remember singing 'Knees up Muvver Brown' with them in the bar tent somewhere near midnight, 'The Tragic Roundabout', get to see them if they're up your way, they're great lads and very talented. But some of the young rock bands were just great, the most depressing are the middle-aged heavy rockers who just won't let go, them blooming 5 minute guitar solos do my head in, the young uns are snappy and they're such clever songwriters, I really enjoyed it. We got absolutely soaked but I was too drunk to care by the end of it, we'd arranged a mini coach back, and there was a screw up with the arrangements so I got in at 2:30 am, but it was a good day. Well I better see if I can rescue our dinner as there's still no sign of my missus and her mum, speak to you soon, Ham.