h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ham,I've decided,you must go onto my friends list,I haven't got a very long list and those I do have on there,seem to ignore me.I have no idea why,all I can think of is,my pure charm and wit STUNS them into silence hahahahhahhaha I would love you on my list but wouldn't dream of putting you there without your say so OK ? If you say no,don't think I'll be offended in anyway,I'll just cry and cry and tell me Mam about what you've done.No pressure OK ? Catch you later !

Mais oui! See, what a rarity, an educated Geordie! Well, my day has been made, this early too. Actually I retire in a fortnight, though I'm looking for some reasonably gainful employment just to keep the beer money cummin in hinny, ye knaa, but I hope to have a bit more time, and your friendship will be treasured and reciprocated a thousand times. Don't know what friends list is actually, but I'll be proud to be on yours for sure.

You retire ? In a fortnight ? God,I'm so jealous.Infact I'm SO jealous I'm telling me Mam about you anyway.She'll be THRILLED to know I've met a friend (and an educated one at that mind) who actually talks to me hahahhahahha Thankyou Ham,I don't know what a friends list is for either,I only know once they're on my list ,they vanish,into the great beyond,somewhere and I NEVER hear from them again ! It's quite amazing..Now you know,and I know ,there's ALWAYS a first time for everything,so,you could be my very first friend on a list who actually remains a friend ,forever !!! I'm keeping my fingers crossed now (Hey,I'm not bad at typing with my fingers crossed am I,go on,tell me ! Your amazed hahahahahahaha)I'm honoured to put you on my list (I've only got to learn how to actually do it now hahahhaha ) See you soon..Have a 'perfect' day.See you later

I've done it !!! And it only took me 50mins to suss it out Ham ,hey,I'm not just a pretty face me tha knaas hahahahhahhahahha I'm slow as well hahahhahahha Your on a friends list now...Ermmm there should be a fan-fare or something...Drums ,or a trumpet blast,something !!! I'll just say...Thankyou for being a friend instead then ! Take care pet.

Blooming heck, I'm that starstruck I can't think of anything to write, you've stunned me into silence. Did you say you told your Mam about me? I diddn't dee nowt wrang did ahh? Why did ye gan tellin on us? It wasn't me missus, a big lad did it and ran away! Honest! I've got to be in Aylesbury which is 30 miles away in an hour and I'm still sitting in me Calvins! You're a workstopper Pinky and no mistake, talk to you soon, your friend H.O.

Hahahahha GET TO WORK ! You CAN'T be late when you've only got 2 more weeks to go or they'll sack ya right ? Well,I've told me Mam ,and she says..You can come tea next Sunday,she'll make pease-puddin,and the best stottie cake,you've ever had ! Now you might think she's being a bit pushy,but she's desperate to impress any friend of mine who has any intelligence whatsoever ! I'll tell her you'll be here about 4ish right ? hahahhahhaha Now get to work before I get the blame for your sacking,then I'll be stunned into silence Bonny Lad hahahhaha Have a good day.Take care.See you later,my one and only intelligent Geordie friend.When I come think about it,my one and only friend hahahhaha GO TO WORK !

Hello Pinky, can't make it up to Sunderland this weekend, though the Stottie is tempting, I can smell it from here. Not in till twelve today, have to leave about 11:30. I actually wrap in a week Friday, when I have my leaving do, in fact I'm taking a day's holiday that day and just going in for the evening. I go to a nice little pub in High Wycombe and the landlord has let me hold my leaving do there, only a little place, it may be a bit cramped. Not looking forward to it to be honest, I hate a fuss, and like anybody else I suppose there are a few people I really can't stand and the hypocrisy of it all gets on my nerves. Me and my missus are off to Madeira on the Monday after, then I suppose I will really have to start thinking what I'm going to do next, my pension's fine but obviously nowhere near what I would be earning so I'm hopefully looking for a nice little job locally just to keep us in the manner to which we've become accustomed, you know, little luxuries, fish and chips on a Friday, massage parlour three times a week, stuff like that. Anyway, I'm sure this glimpse into the life of an ageing savior of the community is much more than you need, regards to your Mum, your Marra Ham.

Always remember Ham,when God closes a door,somewhere he opens a window,or so me Dad says..It never seems to work for me mind,but who knows eh? You maybe just that bit luckier,I hope so.I mean,missing your 3 days at the massage palour would be a crying shame ! I have to say,I think your intelligence is wonderful.As beautiful as S\land is (we're a city now you know ?) Madeira,it has to be said,sounds even better.I hope you and your wife have a fabulous holiday and you come back,all relaxed and prepared to spend HOURS in h2g2 being tormented by me.Now I know it can be a pretty demanding task,so spend as much time as you can on the beach OK ? I'll tell me Mam you send your best.She'll make you a new batch of Stottie cake when you get back,so don't you worry pet.Have a good day.Catch you soon.

Pinky, no beaches on Madeira, it's like a mountain coming out of the sea, we love it there, people tell you it's an oldies place and there are a fair few saga louts out there I can tell you, but we like to get out walking in the mountains, there's a whole network of footpaths across the island. I nearly killed myself last time I was there mind, I fel over the edge of a path and a German lad had to pull me back up, I was about 20ft from a 300 foot drop! My missus, sympathetic as ever, said I was only showing off to this young blonde who was walking round with us, probably true! You're an early bird, are you a milkmaid or summick? Ham.

Hahahaha a milkmaid ? Hahahahaha now stop putting ideas into my head OK ? I WISH !!! I own a flower shop,near Blackpool (don't ask,it's along story hahaha) For my sins Ham !! I have to be up early to buy the fresh flowers,do battle with the wholesalers to get the right price for the flowers,every morning of my life !!! Can you understand now how I'm so bitter ? hahahhaha Wholesalers of fresh flowers (espiecally Lancashire ones)just cannot understand the needs of a poor lass from the N East,just trying to earn an honest bob or two..They prefer me to go into battle until they get so sick to death of me,they GIVE me the flowers just to get me out of the market hahahahaha Madeira sounds idyllic Ham..BUT,I think it's best,if you go walking in the mountains this time while your there..Go blindfolded right ! Allow your wife to guide you..She won't let you fall,I don't think anyway..and,if there are any blondes around..how will you know ? Just get back home safe and sound OK..I'm worried now... Right,I'm away ,going to me Mams..You take care..See you soon

A flower seller near Blackpool! You get more exotic by the moment, I love Lancashire fowk to be honest, and I do a mean version of Leaning on a Lamppost, (honest). I'll have to learn With My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock now, you probably don't know what I'm on about, ask your Mam! Ham.

I know what your on about Ham hahahahhaha I don't need to ask me Mam..We get invaded with George Formby look-a-likes every year here in Blackpool,some convention they have,you know how they are ? Fans ? I love Lancashire Ham,it's very pretty county,and once you get used to the accent,the people are very nice..They haven't a clue what I'm on about like..hahahhaha But,I'm pretty good at sign language now hahahahaha..I love my flower shop,working with the flowers,it stops there..Running your own business is far from glamorous though,red tape,paper work,wholesalers hahaha I really won't bore you with the details Ham..Your too nice and besides..I intend to keep this friendship blooming OK ? hahahaha Have a good day.Drive careful,I think there's more snow on the way down there OK ? Catch you soon

Hello Pinky, no I don't have buck teeth and I play guitar not ukelele, but I love George Formby stuff, off to market again, you're a hard-working gal and no mistake, I used to work with an old Lancastrian, this was when I had a proper job fixing steam boilers. We went up to Heywood to see him in hospital just the day before he died, he used to wonder the country in a caravan but went back home to die, like the elephant, a great character. I'll write soon.

Well I came in last night, and two grandkids are staying over, my younger grandaughter aged 6 and grandson aged 5. I think I fell asleep before them. Couple of beers after work, half a bottle of wine when I got in and that was it, out like a light and managed to drag myself off to bed about 10, now I'm wide awake at 2:30 in the morning. I was bidding for a new mountain bike on Ebay yesterday, I was winning right up until the last minute but got pipped at the post. I'd promised myself a real good bike when I retired, my missus goes mad cos I've got three in the shed, I'm like a big kid to be honest, bikes and guitars, I couldn't give a toss about cars or other big boys toys. I'm a bit of a doting grandad, never thought I'd see the day but the lassie is a spendaholic, she'll be dragging me out of bed to take them downtown, (I'm talking Wallingford here, not exactly the Metropolis!) and we'll come back with loads of tat from the charity shops, God bless 'em. You'll be off to market soon no doubt, or do you get a Saturday off? All work and no play eh Pinky? I'm starting to have huge anxiety about packing in work, it's stupid cos I've been looking forward to it for ages, I've always intended to get myself another job, but I've been grafting since I was 15 with no real break so it's not surprising that I'm feeling a bit insecure. You know, I went off to college in Oxford when I was 44, did my Social Work diploma, did my degree, and worked as a Bail Warden throughout that time, that was in the bail hostels in Oxford, that was an eye-opener for me I can tell you, I am a bit of a rough Geordie, I've got an accent like a Bigg market booncer, despite the Oxford education, the bailees used to think I was one of them! One of them once tried to flog me a video camera he'd just shoplifted, he didn't realise I was staff! I went on to do Probation work after I qualified then into Mental Health where I've been for fifteen years, takes a one to know a one Pinky! Well I've written a load of nonsense here, but it's good to bore, speak to you soon, Ham

I didn't find one word of that boring at all Ham,to be honest,I found it all very interesting.I have been to Wallingford actually,years ago.Me Mam and Dad (once me Dad had left the pits up home ) Ran pubs and they did manage a club in Wallingford.I'll double check the name of it with me Mam tomorrow.I went to college,teacher training,hated it..Left and joined the civil service..Hated that even more.. Left..Worked in a hairdressing salon as a manageress for awhile..Left..I get bored easily hahhahaha (you noticed) Then I decided to sell antiques ,ok bric a brac and a few antiques hahahahha I loved it,but getting stock together was horrendous,I tired of that..Then went to help my sister down in Harrow,London run a flower shop..LOVED IT and that was it,I've been working with flowers now for years.I don't tire of it ever...Just the red tape that goes with it.OK,so now you have my CV hahahaha I do understand your worry about leaving work and finding a new job Ham,of course I do,it's life changing !! Something easy,uncomplicated and part-time,so you can spend more time with your family,would be ideal ! Can you arrange flowers ? I could do with a decent florist for Valentines Day ? Something will turn up Ham, I promise,something always does...OK,this is turning into a saga now hahahahahaha Have a lovely week-end..You never know,you might find yet another bike at the charity shops tomorrow.Fingers Crossed X You take care..Have a wonderful week-end with your family..You can't beat it can you ? Enjoy !

Get out of it! Was it the Labour Club? This is daft, you must let me know SAP. Nobody knows Wallingford, it's just a figment of my imagination, like Brigadoon or Oz!

Hahahahhahha no,I swear to God,is there a social club there ? I'm sure it was a WMC ,but I will ask me Mam tomorrow..I loved Wallingford,a bit Brigadoonish,I confess.But I liked Brigadoon as well hahahahhahahha Are there no beds left for you in your house ? What are you doing up when your supposed to be up with larks to go shopping ?

PS I love OZ even more than Brigadoon or Wallingford hahahahaha

You and those red shoes, seriously, there is the Labour Club in Wallingford, now called the Portcullis club, it's the only CIU club in toon, the other one is the Comrades which is (honest) a men only club, I've never been in it but I was a member of the Labour club for years, I go to the Sports club these days, I love my soccer and support Wallingford, (the Wallies of course), but that's fairly new, took over from the ABM club which your Mum will probably remember. The ABM, which is that massive twin concrete towers structure which you couldn't miss, was just behind my house, demolished about 5 years ago. My daughter lives on the estate they built on the site. Away to get those pesky kids out the bath, see you.

It was the labour club Ham hahahhaha Funny how you knew and I couldn't remember hahahaha I haven't been there for years now,it must have changed so much...Hope you survived bathtime hahahhaha See you soon Take care