h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hey,thats what friends are for..you know..Through good times,and bad times,I'll be on your side forever more..Thats what friends are for...And remember this please.. everyday of my life is in crisis,I laugh a lot so you don't notice thats all hahahahaha And the bad news is,I'll be here when you get back off holiday too !!! So you think on OK ? hahahahahahaha As far as I'm concerned,your working the minute you read my msgs Bonny Lad..I NEED a social worker.I've never had one,so,it's about time I did hahahahaha Ham,trust me,people like you will always be needed in our society.Even if you ended up doing voluntary work somewhere,you won't be out of work for long.Don't ask me how I know,I just do.Naturally it's sad,leaving work mates and a complete way of life,to face the unknown.If you didn't feel a little sad,unhappy,scared even.You wouldn't be human.Saying good-bye to people you've worked with let alone a job you've enjoyed so much,is sad.Have a great 'live' performance.Enjoy your first official lie-in the day after.Most of all ,you and your wife have a wonderful holiday,and just remember what I said OK ? Guess who'll be waiting when you get home ? hahahahahahaha What do you mean ? Your NOT coming home ? You'll miss me !!! hahahhahahahaha Like a rash ,but you'll miss me hahahhahahhahahha Have a great last day,and don't feel too bad OK,just enjoy,and I'll see you soon.I'll be thinking of you

You're lovely, you should be doing my job, much appreciated, Ham.

Takes one to know one right ? SO,your lovely too.Hope your day went well,hope your 'do'goes even better...THEN ,holiday,YeY ! Have the best time,enjoy every moment.Like I said,I'll be here to listen to every detail OK ? Hopefully get to chat over the week-end before you leave.AND remember, you've a performance to do later,so drink AFTER the show OK ? I don't want you letting the side down..Drunk and disorderly on stage hahahahhahaha What a way to go hahahahhahha Have a great day.See you soon

It's a fact Pinky, any more than a couple of pints and I can't perform, it's the same when I'm onstage! I'm doing easy stuff tonight, South of the Border, Crazy, Forty Shades of Green, a bit of stuff from the band act, 9 songs, 25 minutes, then on the lash from 8:30. Yup it's starting to sink in went to work for a couple of hours yesterday, we got an agency worker in to cover for me while they advertise my job, I told them a year and a half ago I was going but they obviously didn't believe me! Never mind, just one last ordeal and we're away on Monday. We go to Madeira a lot, probably already told you this, but I honestly need to wind down and sort myself out a bit. Right, going to fix a new lock on the shed so my lovely new bike is safe, It's in the hallway at the minute and my good lady is well chopped off as we can't get through the passage! Keep Blooming, Ham.

It's almost 10:30pm..I'm sat here doing wedding work,thinking of you not knowing where,who or what you are by now..hopefully !!! Hope the performance went well.See you soon

Pinky, I was the dogs danglers, but sentiment was on my side couldn't fail really. My missus took me down there and stayed for an hour which was great as our working lives hardly ever cross, mind she boogered off before I started playing, but she's heard it all before, many times, many many times! You know, they gave me a new wallet with a couple of hundred Euros in it, we're not hard up but would it be fair to say we're frugal Northeners who know how hard it is to make a few quid so spend it accordingly? Anyway, there's a ferry trip across to Porto Santo from Madeira, we've always promised ourselves a trip over there but never been able to bring ourselves to splash out on the expense, Funchal, (the Madeiran capital) is a wonderful port and we've watched that ferry pull out so many times, well that 200€ will get us the trip and a nice meal. I did have a good night, the Landlord and his missus did us proud, there was enough food to feed the whole bar, what was great for me was that several people turned up from teams I have worked with in the past, (I've worked in just about every mental health team in the county over the years,) a surprising number of attractive young nurses, I'm afraid they regard me as a father figure! No it's great I do love young people, I've got two daughters myself, one of whom is a RGN, the other is a teacher, so we're pretty much a professional caring family. The downside, and why I've been neglecting you is I picked up a belly bug. Too much info you cry, but I was sick as a dog through the night on Friday and I spent all of yesterday in bed and sprinting to the Karsi. I'd promised myself a good long ride (on my new bike!) And a good drink, but I was laid up all day. I went to visit one of my nurses at home on Thursday, (a Male nurse!), he was off sick with a bad stomach, and he's been a great worker for me, he'd been off all week, so I couldn't leave without saying cheerio, I was playing with his kids and had a bottle of beer there, I reckon I might have picked something up there, but you never know do you? Typical, I'm never off sick and the day after I finish work I'm laid up! Anyway, I'm on the road to recovery now, and the first thing I had to do was crawl to the computer in my delapidated state to speak to my soul mate cos I think you're lush! There's a bit of vernacular from the old country for you! We're off at 3am to the airport tonight, but you keep this bliddy line open or I'll be doggone sad, Speak to you in a couple of weeks, Ham.

Oh NO !!! Not a tummy bug BEFORE you go away Ham ,aren't you supposed to pick them WHILE your on holiday ? Oh,so what,us lot from the N\East must do things in our own way !!! I'm only pleased your feeling a bit better Ham ,honestly..I'm also very happy to know,your farewell do went so well,and you didn't let me down on stage..What a relief,I can't say I didn't have a couple of minutes panic you know hahahahaha Just have the BEST holiday ever,you and your wife,you both deserve the best time and the bonus trip.I hope you both enjoy every second Ham.This thread will be kept hot while your gone,count on it now and keep a diary OK ? I want blow for blow account of everyday your gone ..Would you believe me if I said..I'm missing you already ? Well I am,so come home safe and quickly..Best wishes to you both and here's to a happy retirment for two weeks eh ? Love to you from me xxxx

OOoOOOooooo it's gone all quiet and scary in here !!! You SHOULD be almost in Madeira by now Ham,fingers crossed the plane left on time X Hope the sun shines for you everyday xxx I'll return here tomorrow to give it a thorough clean ! I want it looking spick and span for when you get back..and I promise..not ONE party shall take place in your absence ! Scouts Honour !!! I mean,Girl Guides Honour !!! Missing you xxx

All clean and tidy,not a party in sight,and I'm missing you HURRY HOME PLEASE ! I know,you've only just landed in Madeira,I can wish can't I ?

Ok,enoughs enough Ham !!! I'm lonely,I'm missing you and I think being away from me for 5 years is quite long enough ! It's time you were back now ! The chaos of Valentines Day is over for yet another year (Hey,I'm dead romantic me you know hahahaha You've noticed then ? hahaha) I've got time on my hands and I need my friend..Get back soon ! If not,sooner !

Pinky, how could you ever have doubted me? Here's a belated Valentine, I feel proud and priveliged that you missed me, I promise that as long as you want to talk to me I won't give you one uncomfortable moment, it's great to be around you and share your life, and yes I've missed you. You know, all the stuff I was writing about my old job, how fed up I was, which was true enough of course, the so and so's sent me and my missus a bottle of Champagne and flowers to my room at our hotel in Madeira at 7:30 am on my birthday! I don't think I could tell you how emotional I felt, I felt a right swine for being so glad to be out of it, and they went to so much trouble to get this stuff delivered, never mind the expense, I don't think I could even say to my missus how I was feeling just then. Needless to say we had a nice Champagne buzz on by breakfast, which is always good, but honest, since the first time I decided to pack in I felt emotional. So, we've had a great couple of weeks, we promised ourselves we'd have a nice relaxed time on sunbeds etc etc, but of course it never happened, we weere flying around all over the place, walking, (it's superb walking on Madeira) a ferry trip to the neighbouring island, and we became great friends with an Iranian family, two daughters and their mum, refugees from Iran who'd settled in Denmark and London, and were the best laugh you could ever have to spend a holiday with. Mardi Gras is a big thing on Madeira, and we had a ball there too. We got back yesterday, and I heard from my daughter that my nephew and his partner had split up. We adore the lass, theyv'e been together for over ten years and they've come to stop with us several times a year throughout that time. She gave us a call today, which is great, but you can't get involved can you? The thing is, after all these years she is just as much part of us as he is, and that's what I said to her, we both love her and we couldn't bear not to see her again, isn't life complicated these days? No less so is having a soul mate over the electronic media, so it ain't all bad, and it's great to have you around, Ham.

Hurray ! Your back,God that was the LONGEST 2 weeks in living history for me hahahahahahaha Happy belated birthday wishes xxx I'm so pleased both you and your wife had such a wonderful time.The gesture from your workmates was the most thoughtful I've heard of in a very long time Ham..It's always good to know people appreciate you,and even nicer to know they think so highly of you...Obviously,your going to be missed !! So,you did get to go on that trip you and your wife so wanted to see ! I'm over the moon you both had such a wonderful time...but,and I have to be honest,I'm even more over the moon ,your back safe and sound..And just back !!! I have missed you,and it's not good missing your best friend so much.Your so right about the sadness there is in peoples lives today Ham.I'm sorry to hear about your nephew and neice ! It's not wise to interfer in relationships.It's just very sad Ham ! Everyone concerned feels useless ! I'm THRILLED your home...I'll see you soon....You take care xxx

PS Thankyou for the Valetines wish..Belated or not,it's just as appreciated,believe me xxxx Catch you later !

Hello sweetheart, just sitting contemplating my navel before I turn in, well I would if I could see the bloody thing, I've piled the weight on on holiday, we ate pretty sensibly, I don't like sweet stuff much anyway, but you can't pass up on a cooked breakfast when it's there can you? We were half board, nice hotel but a little worn at the edges, it's closing for 18 months for a modernization which it badly needs, but we're very fond of the place, and we knew what to expect, the staff are friendly without being up your backside if you know what I mean. I'll tell you what Pinky, the Flower trade on Madeira is massive, of course their climate is perfect for growing exotic stuff, lilies and all kinds of things just grow wild, the locals are flower crazy, but tourists spend a fortune, we bought a huge bunch to bring back, nearly everyone does. One of the tourist attractions is to get everyone to the famous flower market in Funchal, they get about four cruise liners in a week, sometimes more, and of course they go to the market and get ripped off rotten to be honest, if they just walked a few hundred yards street vendors are selling them for half the price,but generally it's a pretty straight sort of place, we've never been scammed there, I once dropped my wallet in a taxi and by the time we got back to the hotel the driver had returned it, I hadn't even missed it! Eeee I've done nowt today, cleared the shed, mowed the lawns for the first time since Autumn, it's fairly warm here and the grass has started growing already. I had a chat with the bloke next door who'se early retired, all he could talk about was his knee replacement! I thought then, I must write a CV tomorrow, I don't want to sound uncaring but........ Mind you, I got a call from my old office today, 'just wanting to say hello', and I really didn't need it. I bet you think I'm a hard so and so, but it's not that, I've written and that, and you've got to put some space between past and future, but they're young and honestly, without conceit they miss me, but the fact is I ain't missing them, much as I love them! I'm just enjoying doing nowt for a while anyway. God what a boring mailing this is, stick with me Pinky, I'll be more stimulating next time (I tell all the cute ones that!) Toon are on the telly tomorrow, should be a pretty straightforward progress in Europe as they're 2 up from the away leg, but I'll bet they have us sweating buckets as usual. Don't work too hard, Ham.

Ham,please,keep your mails as boring as you want OK ?..I can do without stimulating chat,trust me hahahahaha Just one day in my shop with the young lasses I employ,is enough to keep me stimulated forever !!! I just can't believe the way they go on these days,honestly..Me Dad would have taken me head of me shoulders for DARING to even THINK about the stuff this lot get upto.What am I saying here?? Me Mam WOULD STILL take me head off me shoulders now hahahahhaha Honestly !!! So,mowing lawns,(mine's in desperate need now incidently),clearing out sheds,listening to the moans and groans from neighbours ,all sounds very normal and down to earth stuff,believe me now !! Funnily enough Ham,I do buy flowers,Birds Of Paradise they're called,from Madeira ! I have been told about the beauty of the island before..ONE DAY,I'll get to see it for myself !! I try to just book holidays to anywhere the flights leave from Blackpool airport at the moment..so..Spain always seems good hahahahaha BUT,they're getting there..well,not quite Madeira yet,but you never know !!! I don't have a sweet tooth either,funnily enough..but,I always manage to put on a couple of pounds when I'm on holiday too..Mainly,cos I do actually find the time to eat may have something to do with it Ham hahahhahahha I don't think your hard at all,just logical Ham.The champagne and flowers to your hotel room,was a beautiful gesture from your workmates! BUT,it's now time to move on....whats gone is gone,and now you look to the future..I must be hard too then,but,I know exactly what you mean ! It turns,in my opinion,from being kind and concerned,to be getting a bit like pity and a bit condescending..I know what I mean hahahhaha I've been there..Then they start talking abut people and events that you have no idea about whatsoever...Then,hopefully the phone calls stop Ham..trust me ! Just enjoy the free time you have for now,get bored,and when it gets unbearable..talk to me hahahhahahhahahha You'll get so fed up with me in the end,you'll take any offer that comes along !! Hey,I've got me uses me you know hahahhaha Get the country back to work! Talk to Pinky for a week hahahahahahahaha You'll either slit your wrists or,take the first job offer that comes along hahahahahha OK,I've tortured you enough for today hahahhaha BUT,do not despair OK ? I WILL return tomorrow hahahhaha Count on it. Good to have you home.You take care.See you soon xxxx

PS Have you noticed the length of our msgs Ham ? I've written shorter essays when I was in college hahahahhahahhahha Don't worry now ! They can only get longer hahahhahahahaha Catch you later xxx

Is that a scientific fact Pinky? My personal experience would suggest otherwise! I'll write later, Ham.

Hey Pinky, I just spoke to my Aunty, my last surviving one, who lives in Surrey. She's pushing 80, widowed about a year ago, and selling up her house and moving to Spain! She hasn't even been there yet. She's always been eccentric but this takes the biscuit. I hardly ever see her but we're close in a funny sort of way, I had a bit of a strange beginning in life, brought up by her sister who I call my mum, and I've always been a bit special in the family, it's even more complicated than that but that's enough for now. Her husband was a really nice placid Geordie fellow and Aunty J was plumb crazy, but they made it work. They lost a boy tragically young, and she's brought up one of his daughters, who is now 21 and going to Spain with her! She's bloody bonkers. Worked in hospitals all her life as an ancilliary worker, really strong trade unionist who caused more strikes than Bryant and May, what a character. She had this horrible skin disease which is genetic and has passed through to another of her boys and one of her grandkids, but there are treatments these days which there weren't when she was a young woman. I remember her bathing her arms and legs in this cream, and the thing is she looked like a film star, she's still beautiful to this day. Aren't people interesting Pinky? We all think we're 'ordinary' and nobody is actually. I'm pretty ordinary at the moment, it poured all day here today, all I wanted to do was get out on my new bike, it's been awful since we came back from hols. I got my CV done though, I have to speak to somebody tomorrow about a possible job in Oxford, but I'm not sweating, I can have a few months if I want without worrying too much, even then there's always shelf filling in Tesco's. I always fancied being one of those blokes who takes the trolley's back, but I understand competition is particularly fierce for that one. Enough of my random jottings, but I love rambling to the least ordinary of all, see you, Ham. Rambling Ham..... that has a nice ring to it.........

MMmmmmmm,Rambling Ham,you could be this years 'new' rose at the Chelsea Flower show hahahhahahha I'm going to look into this,we could make a fortune pet hahahhahahha Thankyou for your lovely msgs...Always so interesting to me Ham...I do agree with you,it never ceases to amaze me just how interesting ,what we may consider 'ordinary folks',to be the most interesting of all Ham ! I only hope your aunt has a wonderful life in Spain. I too have an eccentric aunt,(me Mams only sister)she's out in Vietnam as we speak.She's touring around Thailand,Vietnam and Java,to mention but a few places,with another elderly lady,an American no less,that she met off the internet hahahhahahha It blows me !!! Her husband died 5 yrs ago,she's never had children,though she'll tell you she's had thousands,she's an ex school teacher,and as crazy as anyone I've ever met..She's home from Thailand in March,then she's off to Cuba in May.She bought a house in Turkey 2 yrs ago,she's been there ONCE !!!! hahahahhahhaha No the wonder I'm crackers,I've just realised how mad my family are hahahhahahahaha It's not my fault !!! So,you got your CV done ? Well done ! And prospects of a job in Oxford in the pipeline !! And remember this Ham,someone has to stack shelves at Tesco OK ? I've always fancied a job like that,so I'd KNOW where the damn stuff was for once when I go shopping ! Why they hide it is beyond me !! It rained here all morning,but the sun did come out this afternoon ! Spring is just around the corner Ham,you'll be as fit as a butchers dog in no time at all,cycling everywhere once the weather improves ! OK,I'll end my essay now if thats alright Sir ? hahahhahahha Lovely to talk to you as always xxxx You take care,I'll see you soon xxxx

Ermmmmm a scientific fact Ham ???? Do you mean about my msgs getting longer ??? I'm hopeless at science hahahahhahhaha xxx