h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

(crude schoolboy joke coming up) Well I've got 12 inches, but I don't use it as a rule! Oh how we laughed in 1962, I'll write later, Ham.

Well, I'm sitting on my own tonight, my missus went to a leaving do for one of the doctors at her surgery. I had a beer with my pasta this evening and haven't had any since, might have a G&T when Wor Lass gets in, but it's most unusual, when I was working I couldn't wait for Fridays to get home and break out, maybe I'm starting to chill a bit. Mind you, the old liver could do with a rest after our hols, we're never actually pissed but a brandy and coffee in the morning, a beer or G&T or wine or all three at the caff at lunchtime, I always have a couple of glasses of Madeira, (I love it, and it's less than half the price it is here) in our room before going down for dinner. Of course it's the cocktail hour, so we have a couple of cocktails, (Marg has G&T, she's a creature of habit!) then of course a bottle of wine with our dinner, and a couple of beers at the bar for a nightcap, and in bed for 10pm most nights, but I suppose it's way above the safe drinking guidelines! You'd never guess, but that agency woman called me today, they're looking for someone to manage a residential project for emotionally disturbed adolescent girls! It could only happen to me. Actually I love working with young people, but it's not really my area, and to be honest, I think the shelf stacking at Tesco is favourite at the moment. I don't know anything about the particular job, but you can bet there'll be a lot of self-harming, substance abuse, anorexia etc. Anyway, I've sent them my CV and we'll see what they come up with. What about you then? You must be on your knees by the weekend, I feel a right lazy toad talking to you, but I like it! Ham.

Hahahahhahahhaha,1962 was a very good year Ham ! hahahahahha Don't feel guilty talking to me,please..I can make you feel guilty enough pet without any input from yourself whatsoever,trust me now hahahhahhahahhahaha I take Sundays off in the wintertime Ham,but work Sundays during the holiday season..Well,it depends on the mood I'm in,sometimes I do,most times I don't !!! I do like to try and keep Sundays as a family day,whenever possible !!! I know what you mean about working with emotionally disturbed,adolescent girls Ham,but look at the practise your getting talking to me eh ? hahahhahhahahha And I'm not even a adolescent,they'll be a breeze to you now !!! You see,THERE was a reason we got chatting ! I'm giving you training for your next career ! I LOVE being useful to my friends hahahahhaha BUT,I have to agree,Tesco's is looking the front runner to me too Ham ! Less stress !!! Hopefully ! Have a lovely week-end,I'll see you soon.You take care...and think about your liver eh ? It only tastes good with onions remember !!!! hahahhahhaha xxxxx

Morning Marrer, I went to bed early last night having spent the whole day watching sport, live rugby and soccer up at the sports field and club, England getting thoughroughly duffed up by Ireland, then Wales just missing out against France, and having several drinks along the way! My youngest granddaughter is stopping tonight, she'd been to a birthday party and I have vague recollections of my missus changing the bairns bedsheets in the night, I bet she was sick! She'll be right as rain in the morning and will be dragging me out of bed to take her to the shops. My grandson, (her cousin) just lives round the corner so I'll have the two of them, so that's my morning sorted. Of course you know all about the afternoon, the meat draw beckons! I don't know how well you remember Wallingford, but we're really lucky to have good parks and open spaces, the kids love it, but it micturated down through the night, so it will be wellies on. Got my first pension payment today, I gotta get a job! (mind the lump sum softens the blow for a while anyway!) No Pinky, the therapy is much more valuable to me than to you you're helping me to 'keep a had' hinny. Mwah.

Early to bed,early to rise !!! It's no way to be going on pet on your first REAL week of retirement you know ? You'll be back to work before you know it and you won't even realise you HAD sometime to relax and take it easy ,a bit ! I go walking Sundays with the dog,and whoever else wants to tag along,mainly along the beach,if the weather allows ! I do remember Wallingford as being such a pretty place Ham,I didn't ever get to see as much of it as I'd have liked mind,me Dad ALWAYS got me working behind the bar asap hahahhahahha Have a wonderful morning with the bairns..and a good win on the meat draw this afternoon ! As far as I'm concerned,if you can't help a friend out when he\she is feeling just a little bit at a loss,then you don't deserve their friendship ! I'm here for you,always OK ? See you soon xxx

Morning Pinky, I just got up and made a cup of tea, I'd meant to drop a line last night but got thoughroughly engrossed watching a programme about Blackpool funny enough on BBC3 I think, my missus says we've got to go up there, take the kids in the summer, anyway, this was all about the casino bid, and how it failed. You could see it happening, they never had a chance, what a bunch of amateurs! I actually hate casino's, we were in a licensed one last time we were in Canada, and it was all about the desperate people stuffing money into slot machines, it was honestly the most depressing thing, my sis thought I'd be impressed. Hey I like a bet, but they've got slots in betting shops these days, and to me it's the most soul-destroying form of gambling there is, except perhaps this internet poker, that beggars belief. Anyway, I was rather glad that Blackpool didn't get it, it's really not what the place is about, nostalgia is the new success formula in my view, if they build on what they have instead of letting the place crumble they'll do OK, there's a huge national affection for the place and they chuck that away at their peril. There was this little gay guy on there who apparently is a multi-millionaire through re-vamping and giving people a good time, he was a scream and had the right idea, so it can be done. It's still the most visited holiday destination in Europe for goodness sake. No, I never got the kids out, had to take my granddaughter home as she was still a .bit poorly,but she was having cocoa ad toast by teatime so she's on the mend, but will no doubt be trying to blag a day off school today. I'll send this cos it's around your time then I'll write some more, I'mfull of mesel this morning!

So, did I mention that we met an Iranian family, mum and two daughters on holiday? Fascinating really, the elder daughter had been a political prisoner in Iran, she'd got into womens rights when the Shah fell, and of course the fundamentalists came in and clapped her in jail! Goodness knows what she went through, but she got out eventually and ended up in Denmark as a refugee. She's now a teacher out there, and a lovely woman. Her younger sister is a nurse in London, her mum, who spoke no English lives in Germany! What a laugh they were, we got on great with them, Marg has a real affinity with old people and the mum just loved her, (mind you, we're applying for our bus passes today but we're still about 17 mentally, honest!) Anyway, the older lass sent us an Email, and we were tickled pink. The younger lass is about 35 and drop-dead gorgeous, and just never stops laughing,she was constantly getting texts from her partner and I was teasing her about it, and he's a neuro surgeon, so her future seems assured! Anyway, I've got high hopes we see them again sometime. I also watched a programme about morbidly obese people last night, and I'm definately out for a long bike ride today I don't care what the weather's like. It was awful, I've went about 16 and a half stone all of my adult life, I'm only 5ft 9, but I am 'stocky' as we used to say, and that was fine, but I'm up to 18 and a half now, because I'm heavy built I don't look outrageously fat with my clothes on, but you know what I mean, when you have to be a contortionist to put your socks on it's time to lose some weight! Eeeeee I'm rambling again, have a great week, your mate Ham.

Are you still here ? I'll answer your msgs now xxx

YES, still here, trembling cos I've got a live link but still here!

Eeeeee,yer are full yer yersel mind an't ya this mornin ? hahahhahahha Good to hear from you always pet,full or yourself or not ! Sorry to hear about your grand-daughter though Ham ! They just get over excited at parties and eat too much of the wrong stuff..Hope she's better soon Bless ! Well,what can I say ? Casinos and B\pool don't mix if you ask me..Why they even bothered is beyond me Ham..They are going to build a new kind of dome,much like the 'Eden'project,you know,rare varieties of trees and plant life from all over the world..To me,thats seems a far more exciting way to go,more educational and interesting..Now call me boring,it's OK,I don't mind..it's just my personal opinion !!! Your so right about keeping B\pool a traditional holiday resort,for families..They're making it more for stag and hen week-ends at the moment.They've lost the plot completely Ham !! I'm gonna send this cos you just MIGHT be here with your cup of tea and I'm jealous..I've just finished mine hahhhahaha See you shortly...I'll continue the saga in the next post xxx When you get fed up of me just tell me you know ! I'll probably ignore you like hahahahhahha but I'll try and understand OK ? hahahhahahha

Don't tremble man ,just get the kettle on,I'm parched here hahahahaha xxx

Well I had Chai tea, which is lovely, but I let it get cold writing to you, cos that's what you do to me! Hey honest, it's pure coincidence I'm typing away this early, I've always slept irregular hours comes from years of shift work when I was younger, doesn't bother me, just a habit really, great to talk to you direct though.

You did mention the lady and her daughters you'd met on holiday Ham ! We don't know we're born really do we ? When you think of how those women must suffer in those countries,it doesn't bare thinking about ! They do seem to have recovered from their bad experiences very well.I wish them well,and I hope you and your wife,do keep in touch with them ! It's not everyday you meet nice people is it ?...So your going on a diet are you ? Right,well here's a little old fashioned tip to help you from the N\East OK ? 2 tablespoons of CIDER vinegar (not malt or anything else mind,just cider vinegar)in a half a cupful of cooled boiled water,everyday,and you'll be as slim as catwalk model before you know it..Trust me now,just try it,it works !!! OK,I'm sending this cos you should have made me a cup of tea by now..milk no sugar right ? I'm sweet enough,but you KNEW that already ! Didn't you ??? hahahhahahahhaha See you soon xxxx

Hahahahhaha,any tea will do,as long as it's hot,in a china cup,and WITH a saucer,I'm not fussy you know hahahhahaha ! Ham,I'm the worlds worst night owl !! I have been since birth ,so I've been told ! Even when I have a day off work,I'm still up and about,doing things,decorating the house ,changing the furniture around,decide to do take the dog for a walk at like 3am hahahahhahha Me Mam says I'm not right hahahhahahha I cope !!! hahahhaha It's lovely to talk to you 'kinda live' for a change xxxx

There's me trying to fight off the alcohol problem and you getting me on the cider! But I'll give anything a go! Well, the heatings come on, my missus is stirring, no not the tea, and I'll make her a coffeee, I'd love to have tea with you, perhaps not this early, us being nice respectable people!!!! but I'll write later today, Mwah Mwaah Mwaaah, Ham.

Have a good day,see you soon.Take Care Now xxxxx

Oooh I'm stiff in all the wrong places, I did a 20 miler today, up to Abingdon and and back along the river. The Thames is in flood, it's pretty awesome when it's like that. You probably won't recall but it's as flat as a pancake around here, if you're careful about your route you can go for miles without having to tackle any serious climbs, I'm badly out of condition so that's what I did, but I love to get off-road in the Chilterns but I'll leave that till the summer. I've had a mountain bike more or less since they came out, everybody's got them now of course, I think my missus got me my first one for my 40th birthday! But this new one is the dogs danglers, I'm neurotic about it getting nicked, that's the only thing I've ever had stolen, that first Mountain bike, mind it was paggared (there's an old NE favourite!) and I got a brand new one via the insurance, so that's OK. I keep my new one locked up in the shed with a lock on the bike as well, and a rounders bat at the back door! You'd think I lived on Newbiggin Hall Estate! Actually my mother in law does, and it's like Fort Apache the Bronx, I kid you not, when a car alarm goes off, they honestly do come to the door with baseball bats, and I believe car theft has decreased considerably! But the neighbours are great to her, she's got a young couple next door, both with pretty serious drug habits and they're as good as gold to her! It's a bit different up there hinny as you know, but some of the stuff that goes on is beyond belief. Ma in Law just takes it all in her stride, she reckons its no worse than the drunkenness when she was a girl, she's never touched a drop in her life cos of the things she saw. It's all relative. Never heard anything back from that agency, I'll circulate my CV tomorrow and see what happens, hey if they get that bubble going at Blackpool, think of the leeks you could grow! They don't do it round there though do they, I've got a good few in the garden, nice pot leeks, not massive but perfectly formed, like yassell hinny! See You.

Your gonna be as fit as a butchers dog long before summer Ham ! Those hills will be a doddle to you,just wait and see !! I know what it's like up home,I still have family up there,still in the mining village (Castletown) where I was brought up Ham.It's unbelievable now.We NEVER locked our front door when I was little,no one did ! Now,they've got more security than Durham Jail !! It's scary ! I live outside of Blackpool,a village,very pretty,called Bispham.Even in the height of the holiday season,you'd never know it ! Peaceful,and just far enough away from the hustle and bustle of the town.I know I sound anti-social..Thats because I am hahahhahahhahhaha And, I'm getting worse with the passing years..I should be a recluse really hahahahahha Me Mam says Everest isn't remote enough for me hahahhahahha She loves me though,really.I think hahahhahhaha Have you got the leeks in already ? I haven't even looked at my garden yet.I've been panicking more about my snowdrops this year.I thought they'd all died off,but they're out in profusion now,so I'll worry about the leeks abit later hahahhahhaha OK,I'll leave you in peace and quiet for awhile.Naturally,I will return soon ! Try and stop me !!! hahahhahhaha You take care Ham. Catch you later xxxxx

No, I haven't got leeks in for this year but I must get some sown, these are the ones I'm pulling now. I'm a bit of a recluse myself at the moment Pinky, and I am enjoying it it's a bit scary to be honest. I know what it is, I went into Social Work quite late, I was the oldest by quite a bit on my course, I always had to put on a bit of a front, that's not to say I was false to myself at all, but there is this expectation when you're a 'professional', and my background was very different from just about everyone I ever came across, I was and am a bloody good social worker, I'd tear walls down for my clients and everyone knew it, I used my Northerness quite cynically to get what I wanted, I've still got an accent like a Bigg market barrowboy, and I would bully, cajole and charm, people really did think I was superman. But honest Pinky, the expectation puts a hell of a lot of pressure on you, I take some pride in saying it never showed, but I was completely knackered. Like I'd had colleagues much younger than me, long term sick, gone on short time, or simply walked off the job. Now I'm feeling panicky for no good reason, I'll be like this till I find another job, but I know I need more time to rest up. It's crazy I know but that's the way we old Northern work horses are aint it gel? My missus is quite happy as long as I'm not drinking the day away, and I feel no inclination whatever to do that. I'm going to see an old workmate today, he's got mental health problems, I used to work with him years ago when we were both fitters, he had to give it up, hasn't worked for years but he's a great lad and we have always kept in touch.
Oh you wouldn't believe it, but I saw an advert in toon yesterday, there's a kind of folk club, the Acoustic Ballroom, just moved to the Portcullis (Labour) club, my band has gone very quiet so I am intending to gig there solo next session, I haven't been in there for years, I am really looking forward to it! It will be so much more meaningful knowing you have been there, oh I'm an old romantic, I'll sing like a Linnet hinny, Your Sycophant, Ham, Mwah.

Believe me Ham,I REALLY do understand what you mean ! I work with the public everyday,some extremely happy,arranging their weddings,the happiest day of their lives ( I DO TRY to recommend a decent psychiatrist,but they won't listen hahahha).I also have to deal with bereaved people.It can be so upsetting,not only for them,but for me too.If they've lost a child,it becomes unbearable ! I care too much ,I suppose,I shouldn't become involved,but,when it's your nature,it's difficult not to.Changing from being so involved with your work,as you were,to feeling ,in a way,happy to be rid of it,but sad,at the same time..PLUS,having to bare the work ethics of us Northern lot,is a very difficult pill to swallow Ham..mixed emotions,uncertainties about the future,it's all human,and it all sounds very natural to me !!! I was talking to my ex-bank manager just a few days ago.He took early retirement,last year ( he still orders flowers from me for his wife\daughter etc) He said he was at a complete loss for months...Now,he's very happy and can't understand how he fitted work into his life hahahhaha He's learned to relax,and not feel guilty about it! He has no particular hobbies,apart from his garden ,when the weathers nice ! You have the family, your music,your mountain bike, and once the weather gets better..so will life ,trust me now !!! You want to just relish this quiet time your having (and talk to me instead,I can give you noise if you want noise Bonny Lad hahaha) You've only been retired a few weeks,God,Rome wasn't built in a day you know ? You can't expect to just fit into a different routine with a snap of the fingers ! Just take it day by day,enjoy every minute..Work will be heading your way sooner than you think ! They can't keep us lot from up home down man ! hahahahha You KNOW how bossy we are ? We're needed us ! hahahhaha Your too caring,intelligent and a lovely person ,the minute words out your on the look-out for work..The job offers will come rolling in Ham..I just know it ! Don't worry OK ? BUT,if you do want worry ,worry about this OK ? I saw an auction room open today,(I was delivering flowers,and just spotted it ) I parked the car,went into the auction room,and at 6pm last night,they delivered...2..6ft bookcases hahahhaha They're in my hall as I speak hahahahhahha I can't move man ! Now thats worrying hahahhahahha I've GOT to stop this impulse buying hahahhahahhaha I've also got to send this msg before I send the entire BBC crashing hahahahhaha Don't get bored OK ? Talk to me,then you'll find out what boredom REALLY is ,and you'll feel good Ham hahhaha See you soon.Take care now xxxxx