h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hmm...? Oh, I'm sorry. Thought we were getting somewhere at last.
Paris without money is no fun, but neither is Munich. In fact, it's hell. I'm moving out next month, and coincidentally, the real estate market just crashed. Hurray!!
Say, I got a question: uni's for free in Germany, provided that you have acquired a degree at a certain type of school (there are three). How is it in the UK? Do students have to pay tuition?
Since you're so keen on seeing what I was going to show you, and since this area seems to provoke one insult after another on my part (once), I suggest we get moving to Verdun.
*hails taxi*
Verdun, please.... What?? Would you kindly repeat that number??....Oh. Hold on a mo', will you?
*to zuzu*
Hey, look! It's a Frenchman behind you!
*as zuzu turns her head to get a glimpse of this spectacular sight, Phil makes a quick snatching movement with his hand; then turns to driver, hands him something; Phil opens the door for zuzu (!), gets in himself; zuzu makes an instinctive movement towards her ear: wasn't she wearing an earring?*
Such a pretty face doesn't need such petty decorations..... No, really... I mean it.... Honest to God.....

As I said just as well all of my jewellery is paste (had some more made up after getting to know you), and if you can con someone else with it (they are such good copies) then that's fine with me. When we're caught I'll plead total ignorance which, let's face it, any jury in the land would have no trouble believing, and you take the rap (watched too many episodes of Starsky and Hutch as a kid). Strange how it's always men that are so easily deceived isn't it?
Still can't believe that we've been in France all this time and still no wine!
Let's stop at that little supermarche and achetons plusiers bouteilles de vin..and some chocolate...
What?
Well a girl has to eat hasn't she?
Don't you dare make another jibe about my weight!

*shuts mouth again*
Wasn't going to. Really.
Also might wanna get some cigarettes. My nicotine-level has plunged into serious depths.
Would you like to go to Vienna as well? Could show you quite some stuff....
Another nice contribution from German TV (this is for real):
A showmaster of one of those terrible shows in which they make children sing and do cute things interviewed some little pest as follows: "Good God, look at your nice red hair! Did you inherit this from your mum or dad?" - "-----" (refuses to say a word; showmaster turns to parents, both of which are decidedly blond) "Well?" Mother (a bit too fast): "From his godfather, actually." - Deadly silence.
Well, gotta go to sleep. I've been studying for twelve hours straight. Which tells you I'm in a bit of trouble.




So when we get to the marche should I ask for dietary chocolate?

Think you'd be better going into the chemist's next door and and asking for some bandages and some witch hazel to help with the bruising...I have warned you before.
I'd love to go to Vienna....somewhere I've always wanted to visit...(still looking forward to Verdun..what are you going to show me??)
Sorry to hear about the studying...my week's not so good either...my cat went out last Sunday and has not returned...I'm so worried. She's 12 and I've had her since she was a kitten. I've spent the last week tramping around the neighbourhood in the rain ( a little like our first date!) and posting flyers through rather vicious letterboxes (some of them should carry government health warnings)..but there have been no positive sightings...as you can imagine I'm not too happy at the mo.
Which is why any more rude comments would really not be appreciated. 3 kids at school had an argument last week as to my age one girl said 23...the next said 31 (and then laughed!) the 3rd said "Get lost no way is she anywhere near 30!" and they decided about 26...so I'm not doing so badly despite your witty remarks..so full fat chocolate please...and lots of it!

Sorry to hear that about your kitten. Put a pan of lasagna out on the door step. That should do the trick.
I wouldn't give up hope yet - I've heard numerous stories of cats covering quite some distances to return to their owners. One of my cats once decided to take a hike to God-knows-where (still don't) to return after three weeks, if in a somewhat different shape, though.
This seems to be the week of general chaos, confusion, and fear!! Three more days and still three more books to read! Oh well..... Guess it's say hello to Mr. Oh-well-guess-I'll-read-a-thousand-pages-for-breakfast again.... Sometimes I wish Columbus had taken up selling insurances instead of sticking his nose into what was none of his business, anyway..... (HAWHAWHAW - old joke among the very special and select group of americanists, you see)
Well, as I told you before, what I'm going to show you in Verdun is not exactlly funny.... Not designed to cheer people up, exactly.... But since you're so keen to see what's there, I suggest we get going straight away! I don't think there's any need for shopping, as I suspect our driver has his own selection of high spirits.... Right here in the car, I fear.... I'll ask him...
*to driver*
Monsieur.... Est-ce que nous pouvons avoir une bouteille de vin, s'il vous plait..... Non? Alors, parlons avec ce flic la-bas.... ahhh... Merci beaucoup....
*turns to zuzu, feeling terribly pleased with himself*
There you are.... We'll get the chocolate in Verdun (if you can wait that long).... God, am I a cosmopolitan or what.... No language that I don't speak.... Yes yes yes.... God, it's so good to be me.....
*hours pass as they keep driving; zuzu has vigorously failed to appreciate Phil's linguistic, intellectual, and general qualities.... oh well, he's used to that; finally, they arrive in Verdun*
Okay, let's get out.... Whoops, steady there (if one of your pupils could see you at this moment).... We still have to walk.... Climb stairs.... We're going up to the fort.... You up to it? (haven't we been in a similar situation before??)

We seem to be in this situation a lot..just a change of country every now and then...well change is good!
As much as I really am interested in seeing what's here..can we go somewhere to cheer me up afterwards??
I could really do with my spirits lifting (not just the bottled sort!)..my week has been horrendously busy and still no mog..really miss her and am not too fond of combing the streets in the middle of the night looking for her.
So when do exams finish?? And then what??
So glad I wore these boots again....can't we have a date at sometime which involves sitting down? I'm all for exercise and country air..but all the time??!!
Look Phil, you're the one who decided to come here...
...will you keep up! And stop panting..I don't think smoking all those cigaretttes on the way up was such a good idea...

The exams are tomorrow. And still around 500 pages to go. It'll be a busy night. Which is why I need to go now. And then....
More exams.

Pray for me.

So...how's it gone??
Passed with flying colours I'm sure...do you have any more exams after this one??
Hope thet finish soon....it's not a particularly pleasurable experience sitting here waiting on my own by a fort..you could have at least left that last bottle of wine!
Let me know how you are..and when you're coming to rescue me!

*takes a giant leap across the canal*
Here I am!!!
Didn't pass with flying colours, though. In fact, I'm not so sure I passed at all. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! All this work, staying awake 18 hours every single f'*%$§"# day, no sleep, no food, ten litres of coffee, and now this!!! GGGNNAAWWW!!!
*swallows anger*
Oh well.
So has your cat returned??
Sorry about the wine. Needed that for the exam (say.... that may account for something....).
So, you ready to make the ascent??

What do you mean ready for the ascent??
I've been sat up at the top here for the last 2 days waiting for you! Whilst you've been off to some 2 day coffee party leaving me here all alone (still with no cat) just wallowing in my own misery..thanks!
So are you back for some time now, or will you be off again on your wild social life leaving me here??
A nice normal date...now that would be something!!

Ooohhh... Gee, I'm sorry!! No, really!!
Did you enjoy the view though? Marvellous, isn't it?
Come on! I'll show you my special place now (no, don't worry).....
My own personal little place..... Sad, but intriguing....

Come on then...I'd love to see it...
I do have a sensitive side too you know, as well as this devil may care playgirl you see before you!
Show me and tell me why it's so important to you...

All right then.... Follow my lead....
*walks ahead, until they reach a huge wall*
Should be here somewhere....
*has a closer look at the wall, finds something; turns to zuzu*
This is it....
*zuzu faces the wall to a particular spot where Phil is pointing; she sees an inscription*

AUSTIN WHITE - CHICAGO, ILL. - 1918

AUSTIN WHITE - CHICAGO, ILL. - 1945

THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WANT TO PUT DOWN MY NAME AT THIS PLACE.

*zuzu finds Phil looking at her with a sad smile*
I don't really know why, but this place is special to me. If there's anything that sums up what's wrong with this world, it's this.
Over one million people died here within two years. All those crosses down there don't mean a thing to me compared to this.

At least he hasn't had to put his name back there...let's hope it isn't on any other walls anywhere else....or that his children never get to add theirs.
I face my own private "what's wrong with the world" every day with neglected uncared for children who have parents who don't care and are so disfunctional. The kids have no idea that there is another choice another life that they can lead. I see it as my job (more than teaching maths but I am in charge of their well-being) to help them to see alternatives..but it's heart-breaking dealing with them and sending back to such sad lives.
*Hugs Phil*
Small steps are all we can make...but we must make them in the right direction and keep on that path no matter what..we can't change what's gone before...but we can try to help shape the future...

You got that right, gal. Let's drink to it.
*pulls out bottle with funny-coloured content; takes a swig; turns in circles, runs up wall, comes back down, hugs zuzu, does something quite ungentlemanly; then calms down as he sees guard approaching*
Here, try this. It's good.
Sounds like your work is tougher than I imagined. Teaching isn't easy, but dealing with such problems sure gets you down, doesn't it?
I just hope the future will be better.... Belgrad's in flames.... The peace-talks between Arafat and the Israelis are breaking down.... My beloved (ha!) mother country has elected a Nazi for chancellor.... Aaaawwwww......
There you are. Now I talked myself into a depression.....
Small steps. Interesting concept. Might have found something there.
Well, I have to work tomorrow (ugh!), and I should get some sleep (much as I hate to)....
We could empty the bottle tomorrow.... How about nine? Or tennish suit you better?

Give me that bottle now...sure need it...this also takes me back to that Alice in Wonderland date we had...that rabbit was delicious!
Tomorrow may be a problem..supposed to be out with a friend, but may be home early...
That last concoction should make you sleep (or pass out!)...don't work too hard..and don't be depressed...
Some good things do happen (occasionally)...
Sleep well.....

*a body is lying on top of the fort, looking quite neglected, as if somebody had left it and forgotten all about it (oohhhh!); as we get closer to have a look, we see that one of its limps are stirring; a hand clutches at nothing; suddenly the creature jumps up, as if awaking from a very, very long dream*
No, no, no!!! Take it away!!! Mother, please!!!! Take it away!!! Noo!!! Not.... Not the bunny.... Not again, please!!!
*why, it's Phil!*
Umphhhh.......
*has a look around through slits that once used to serve as visual orientators*
What the....
*disorientation spreads all through poor Phil*
Good God.... What is this place.....
*gradually, memories pick their way into his confused, bewildered brain*
Aaahhhh..... I remember now.... Yes... There was this spaceship..... Or was there? Hey, what's this?
*sees familiar-looking bottle; picks it up, close inspection; takes a swig without further hesistation*
Aaahh.... Comfort.... Hmm.... I remember something.... Oh, yes.... There was this gran-... girl, I mean....
*has a look around; where could she be?*
Will she ever come back? Oh well, wouldn't be the first one to get me drunk, rob me of my possessions, and take off, leaving me somewhere close to nowhere.... Yep, yep, yep....
*further inspects bottle's contents as his mind gets clouded by sad, philosophical thoughts*

Maybe I should get an earring.

I'm not playing hide and seek with you again..you're crap!
"Go off and hide" he said, "I'll count to 100 and come looking for you"" he said. I've been stood behind this monument for an hour and a half and you've had a nap! It's a good job I took all our stuff with me too! Heaven knows who could have come along and stolen it all....you're very lucky I'm still here...most girls (and I heard what you said earlier), would have been long gone...and stolen all your stuff....
I just hope you appreciate me!!

You have no idea! (If you did, you'd probably be running off scared, hehehe...)
Errr.... Can I have my wallet back, please? Thank you....
*feels it suspiciously*
Hey, come on, now, it used to be thicker, now, didn't it? Oh well....
*tucks it away*
Sorry 'bout falling asleep on you (sadly, only a literary term ), but this stuff is.... good....
*eyes bottle suspiciously*
What IS this stuff, anyway? Wait a minute.... Is it suddenly getting very dark..... Or is it.... Could it possibly be.... ME?
*panics*
Ohmegoshohmegoshohmegosh I'm going blind..... Help me.... please, help me.....
I've always suspected those French concoctions just couldn't be trusted..... Now I gotta pay the bill...
*stretches out helpess hand*
You have to guide me..... I can't see a thing.....
So do you think when we get down those stairs you can find us a place where we can warm up, relax, and get drunk??
Never mind be being blind now.... I can still be hugely entertaining (hah!)..... My mouth still works.... As does the rest, hehehe... (I just don't know what it is with me tonight, sorry)
We could discuss further matters of interest.... Tell me a few things more about yourself....



You can start with the present whereabouts of your creditcard and your secret code number.

Look, you've tried this credit card thing before and the "I've suddenly gone blind " routine won't help either.
Well..I've had 2 days of hell! All work related and too confidential to relate here...but bits involve the police and threatened legal action!! So once again the getting drunk thing sounds most attractive.
I thought the wallet must be mine as I didn't think you owned one! But now I know you do...the first....second and in fact all other rounds are on you..hurrah!!
Me?? Well not much to tell *she said suddenly coy*
I work far too much (not sure how this has happened as I'm very lazy by nature), socialise far too much when I'm not working and talk too much all the time. I care passionately about my kids (at school you understand have no children personally) and hate some of the stuff they have to go through which can all get rather serious and depressing..so love to laugh too!! Please!!!??? Go on Phil..tell me a joke....