h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So where's this drink then?
Do I need to provide my own corkscrew?
Hold on...why am I replying to this? You said "female and beautiful" right? 1 out of 2 do you?
I'll try to work out which description firs best....
...until then....Z!

Well, being beautiful is enough, really...
Hoh, woh, hold on, I didn't say that! Don't get me wrong here!!
I liked your introduction very much, so screw whatever it says in mine... I have no right to make demands anyway, I'm afraid - I'm neither one of the two.
About that corkscrew, that certainly is provided for. What do you think, I'd be unprepared?? Not me! Settle in, make yourself at home,
enjoy the view (marvellous, isn't it), etc., etc. Meanwhile, I'll descend into my cellar, and see what the catacombs will provide...
Red or white? Italian, or French suit you better?

A nice bottle of red would be great!
On second thoughts (yes I do sometimes have more than 1!)..a chilled Chardonnay...ummm....with strawberries....
..but any chance of uncorking it tomorrow? Anti-biotics mean I can't drink (this has been spelt out...respelt...translated into Latin...back again...rearranged into a well-known phrase...and then written down for me). Apparently I'll get hot flushes , increased heart rate and dizziness...all rather fun qualities I thought...but was not too fond of the idea of the nausea and vomiting and nasty stuff that also came with it!
But finish them tonight..hurrah!
So...rescue a nice bottle (full please..I know some very ungenerous people) from the cellar and keep it chilling 'til then.
I'll certainly need it!
Z!

There's only one cure for the symptons you're describing - more wine. The sooner, the better.
Me, I ALWAYS feel like that when I haven't had my daily ration (which is rather large, I fear...).

Oh go on then..you've convinced me...* she said pouring a rather large glass of Chardonnay "Cheers!"*
..just a word of warning, if this tooth ache continues/gets worse or I have any nasty side effects or serious illnesses/reactions...............................ugh...cough coughsplutter....................then I would hate you to have that on your con.......

Uhm... Hello...?
*takes stick, pokes at what has suddenly and rather unexpectedly transformed into a lifeless object*
Hmm... Not what I had in mind exactly...

Why is there a stick in my face....where else has that been?
Why are you smiling?
Where's the rest of my Chardonnay gone?

Is this your idea of having a drink?

Absolutely not!!
But what can a man do? I'm rather terrified by the effects a simple glass of wine has on you... Makes you wonder what sort of reaction something a bit heavier will draw...
To answer your questions:
What looks like a smile to you is in fact a rather panicky expression.
Concerning the Chardonnay, I sacrificed myself and simply downed it first thing to save you from the fumes.
And about that stick - I'm not exactly sure what you mean (really!!) - it served merely as a safety device to me in case you'd start thrashing around. Seemingly dead people scare the living daylights out of me.
Now you know what sort of a fearless, hero-type of a person I am...

Well, seem to have come round now....
...anti-biotics are over! So, apparently is the Chardonnay! Tooth ache however, along with bruises from being attacked with a stick remain. What's a girl to do now?
I know...back to the wine cellar/off licence.....Know any body guards then to help me on my pilgrimage then?

I'd be delighted to assist you on your pilgrimage. Concerning the Chardonnay, there's plenty more down there.
Let's go have a look.
About your tooth ache - wine's supposed to help, but then, there's hardly anything wine doesn't help me with...
Or hasn't, at some moment or other in my murky past.
Let's go, or your tooth ache might make you look something like this sometime soon:
And what a shame that would be!

Guess who found the wine cellar?
Then the cognac bottle....
....then remembered the pain killers (in case tooth should start hurting in the night!)
....hic!!
But not at all under the affulence of incohol..occifer.....
Hey..this was good
Let's go out for a drink again!
Cheers!
Z!

Anytime, anytime...
By the way, are you sure the cognac is all that you found?? Seem to be missing stuff...
Hey, where's my precious collection of age-old Hennessy? Used to have some Irish Mist around, too, if I remember correctly...
Where could all that be, I wonder...

Hmm...

*grins mischieviously and asks for some paracetamol and black coffee*!

We'll make that lots of paracetamol and pitch-black coffee, then, I think...
Gotta go upstairs - hope you'll manage the stairs...

*Stops grinning and starts to look worried*
Stairs? I thought you said you lived in a bungalow...........

Bigger from the inside than from the outside, isn't it...

*Wishes she hadn't drunk all the alcohol, as then there would be something to lessen the panic and fear she felt as she is helped upto the attic...*
Thinks "Come to think of it, he does have more than a passing resemblance to Norman Bates"......

Well, considering the attractiveness a lot of women seem to see in Norman (old friend, you see), your worries are justified. Absolutely.
But this is as far as it goes. Really.

Well that's a relief! Was beginning to get more than a little worried there!
Shall we start again?
Nice to meet you...
Am back on the Chardonnay again, but promise not to drink too much tonight (nothing left now anyway after last binge!). So grab a glass and a handful of cocktail savouries and tell me all about yourself......

Serve yourself - just don't overdo it again (Chardonnay does not come cheap, you know)...

So... where to start... You see, there's a lot of stuff I'd rather omit... Norman frequently makes the mistake not to...
So give me a hint so I can carefully work my way round some of the more unsettling chapters.