h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*sits on the ground pathetically; searches for a tooth that also fell prey to zuzu's rather not-at-all-female-inclined action; strangely enough, he doesn't attempt to kill her on the spot; something makes him accept this; oh yes, that guilt thing again*
Did you really have do do dis?
*finds tooth and pockets it*
I find dis rader egsdreme... You had your go, doo, awder all.... Whad whid orange juish and all.... Moder figure...
*gets up*
Dis evening is sdarding do ged a liddle unhealdy for me.....
*wonders what makes him stay on; those ridiculous feelings start creeping up on him again*
And aboud my grand-ma..... Id was all perwegdly nadural.... Dad's wadde forensigg egsberd said, doo.... Nodding was ever broven.... Her desdamend was finally deglared auddendigg, doo....
*wonders how he could possibly make it up to fuming zuzu*
Uhmm.... Waid here for a second, will 'ya....
*Phil disappears for a few moments; then he returns, hiding something behind his back*
Glose your eyes.... No, id's all righd..... Righd, dere you go...
*produces a very large bouquet (where did he get it?)*
You gan obben your eyes now....

Ohhh Phil!..How lovely!
*Feels herself beginning to melt slightly*
They're beautiful! You really shouldn't have done...and there's a card..What does it say?
No! Don't snatch it off me..don't get all shy now..it really doesn't suit you.
*Phil grabs frantically for the card again*
Too quick for you!

"For my dearly beloved wife,
Ethel,
May you rest in peace"

Well thank you phil, but I'd sooner these went back where they belonged...
And umm..yes before you go..I've a little something for you....
*Phil turns quickly gap-toothedly grinning, only to meet her fist for the second time in 5 minutes*
I'm not normally a violent woman, but with you I'll make an exception...you can have the black eye I promised you..
....and next time.....I go.....

Oh, boy, I exbegded someding differend jusd now....
*stumbles back to the graveyard he just robbed, if with best intentions*
Dang.... Gan'd see a blasded ding....
*feels his eye*
Good God.... Where is id?
*realizes it's swollen completely shut; feels his way, finds the grave (he thinks), and returns with difficulties*
You don'd mage id easy for a guy, you know dad? My indendions were good....
*thinks*
How can I make it up to her?
Waid here for yed anodder moment, if you blease....
*vanishes yet again; finds his way to a store that, strangely enough, is still open*
Good ebening.... Yes, I know..... I jusd fell down de sdairs, you know... I jusd saw a box of heard-shabed chogolades in your window...Yes, dose are de ones... Can you wrab dem ub nicely? Dank you.... Bay? Oh yes, of gourse.... Uhm.... dis is an emergency, can I gome back domorrow?........ Whad? I should do whad? Dis is obscene! No, I won'd give id bag! I need id!! Led go of me!!
Oh, i gan see where dis is going!...... Tage dis!! And dis!!!
*bows to unconcious clerk*
I'm really sorry! Bud I really need dese!! I musd have dem! Dey are nod for me, you see.... Someone shbeshial....
*returns to zuzu*
Blease! Glose your eyes onse more!..... Oh, gome on now... Blease!!..... Dere you go....

Hmmphh....where did you get these from?
They are lovely and I dooo looooove chocolate..
Hold on how did you pay for them?
*A suspicious looking Phil shuffles round and looks very interestedly at his toe*
Ah well, perhaps I'd better not know...I'm sure the intentions were good...
And now it's my turn. Shut your eyes please and come over here.
*Thud*
Ah yes that loose paving stone..perhaps I got that the wrong way round (hehe)....
Come over here and then shut your eyes.
That's it..tighter...are they shut now? Are yuo sure? Are you positive?
Good!
*Reaches over and gabs Phil firmly by the nose, giving it a sharp twist.......large yells screams of pain and howls eminate from Phil*
There that should straighten out your nose and stop you talking in that ridiculous way.
Well aren't you going to thank me
Hey! Look over there there's an ambulance....they're caryyin gout a guy from that shop over there...doesn't look like he's conscious..poor man...wonder what happened to him?
Coffee cream?

Coffee cream?? Huh?
*feels his much abused nose; is suprised to find it still attached to his face, if not as neatly as it used to*
Thank you.... Enjoyed that, didn't you??
*thinks*
Thank God, she didn't rip it off! Felt like it.... Is that blood on her fingers?
Say, after all these misunderstandings and resulting abuse of my person, can we go to the night club now??
We seem to have great difficulties getting anywhere tonight! I don't want any more painful experiences just now!
*nervous look around; did he just see a shape with a hat pass by?*
Let's go.... Let's dance. And drink. Mostly drink.

Now you're talking..and in my language too!
And, may I add without sounding as if someone had broken your nose..most welcome!
Perhaps we could then just get on with our date, you can tell me some more interesting facts about yourself, and I can make some up..
Oh God yes...a drink...
Do you dance Phil? What sort of music do you prefer?
That eye's looking quite nasty now...
Come on..I'll guide you
Wouldn't want any men in hats and leather jackets creeping up on you from behind would we?
*She said rather patronisingly (again!)*
No you can't have another chocolate!

*dong*
Let me guess: you just happened to overlook that light, didn't you??
Okay. More interesting facts about myself. All right.....
Yes. Uhm.... Hmmmm..... Okay..... How about.... Uhm.... Wait, here's this..... No.... Hmm...
*looks at zuzu*
Do those facts have to be a) authentic and b) really interesting?
Hey, wait a minute! How come I'm always talking?? How about you??

Yeah so sorry about that lamp post..just didn't notice it! (Hehe)
Not sure why you're always talking Phil but it does seem to happen a lot! But it'd nice to find out something about you for a change, rather than just these strange men you're obsessed with!
*Though enters her head as soon as she says this, but again she decides to ignore it. He had got her flowers (even if they were stolen) and chocolates (...from some where)*
So yeah..something authentic...and a bit interesting would be nice....
For instance did I mention that I'd just returned from a holiday to Egypt and Jordan? Went to Petra actually...now I did see a man there on horseback in a leather jacket , with hat etc....funny that isn't it?
Small world...
Your go...

Certainly not big enough for me, hehe.
Okay.. something authentic... that also doesn't bore you to death... Hmmm....
Did I mention that apart from going to university, I also write screenplays? Yes, really... I don't know exactly when I picked up this mad idea, but people have told me my writing's worth the effort, more than that, in fact. I have trouble believing them, but I take pleasure in the illusion, anyway.
Petra, hmm? Have been planning to go there myself for a while. Exactly how hot is it?
Haven't run across Lawrence, have you?
*they reach the night club; Phil opens the door, enters, and walks directly over to the bar; then stops and tries to think of what is bothering him at that moment; remembers, walks back to the door, opens it and tries not to cringe under zuzu's gaze*
Sorry... Do come in.....

Thankyou....so kind
*she said icily*
Your round I believe..
A large anything...with vodka please...(I think I'll leave the cocktail umbrella after the last one thanks)
Let's find a seat...
Petra was very hot in deed, and Lawrence long gone...but I did an obligatory ride on white horse across bit of desert in his memory!
Screen writing eh? 2 friends of mine do that...quite successfully, one has just co-written the script of a very popular comedy show and the other, who I work with) is starting out writing odd episodes fo soap operas...and I live off other people's glory! You'll have to let me read some of your stuff sometime...that's of course if we ever make it to a second date! This one does seem to have lasted for quite some time now.
No it wasn't a complaint..just a comment..it's been...well..very memorable!
Do you think you can see well enough to dance?

Violent, too.
*he says, massaging his nose and feeling his eye*
I think I do.... But you have to lead. Don't want us to wind up someplace we didn't count on.
What's the show? Maybe we have it over here, too. (but knowing German TV, probably not)
Sounds like you had a fun vacation. Me, I haven't been on a vacation for two years! Crossed Ireland then.... on bicycle. Very, very stupid idea.
Say, you see this-
*sees a familiar-looking figure cum (that's Latin, too, and means "with". see, I knew you would ask) hat in a far-off corner seemingly conducting business with rather dubious-looking Chinese thugs; sees a turning-table on which small objects have been placed; senses tension over whole scene; however, ignores all that and resolves to keep this thing out of zuzu's sight, as he knows she wouldn't like to see any of this*
Nothing.
How's your tooth?
By the way, let's have another round!
*orders more drinks*
No, the lady will pay.... Yes, thank you. - What? No, I don't know what you mean.... No, I don't think of myself as cheap. Go away.
Uhm... And what do you mean: second date?? Are you trying to say something? You won't leave me here all by myself, or will you?
Of course you will. You are a woman.

Umm..excuse me but I am rather old-fashioned about somethings (no not my dress-sense thank you)..I haven't been asked out again...but if you'd sooner not...after this evening's injuries..I quite understand..
I've been away quite a lot this year..Goa, Florida, Egypt and Barcelona in October...
I can only asume that the Ireland on a bike thing was a temporary blip..what a strange thing to do!
Why do you keep looking so intently over my shoulder? No...don't answer that..sometings...etc etc...
Thanks for the drinks Phil..and no I don't think you're cheap...bloody expensive truth be known!

*wonders*
Is this a good thing? Is she trying to be nice, or is this another hidden insult....
*can't quite make up his mind*
Florida? Where exactly did you go there? Know the place quite well....
*feels quite a bit awkward about what he is going to say next*
Uhm.... Soooo....
*looks at his fork with great interest*
Look, I know some crazy things have been happening tonight.... But it wasn't always my fault exclusively....
So, uhm.....
Would you like to... you know... I guess what I'm trying to say is.....
Can I ask you out another time sometime?
*why on earth is he asking this?? hasn't he had enough? he can't see a thing; his nose is reduced to a pulp; why is he doing this?*
Well, it's been nice, after all. Besides, I'm used to people abusing me.

You're used to people abusing you??
But's that's awful (I mean I can see why actually..you can be sooo rude)..but used to abuse Phil!
Would you like to tell me about it (I am trained for this sort of thing)?
Hold on..
*she said looking at him directly in the one eye*
You're asking me out for another date?
Well..Ok..I suppose we could try something like going to the cinema..or something without risk or violence...which really going for a drink in your house, followed by a meal should have been..funny how things work out isn't it?
But no more ridiculously late nights (that go on for over a week) I'm back at work now : (
Florida??
I was in charge of 30 kids in Disneyland. We won a competition to go..and had an all-expenses-paid mega-week!
The only perk of my job!
So going to walk me home then....or just let me get attacked by that man in the hat?

I'd rather not risk telling you about my various experiences of abuse - I smell an elaborate trap here...
I'm not entirely sure about the movies, though. I work as a projectionist, and I've already had some very, very violent experiences on that job, I can tell you.... (actually had a dead body sitting in front of me once, looking at me in this strange, somewhat accusing way, though in this particular case it wasn't my fault. not joking)
But then, as I told you, these things just keep happening to me - I can't help it!
I used to live in Florida. Lots of sun, beaches, sand, and scuba diving. And oh yes - huge spiders with hairy legs that crawl in through
the air conditioning at night, and greet you from the wall that you face waking up. I'm addicted to caffeine, but there was no need for that on that morning. Stepped into a sting ray, too.
So, how did you fix the competition? And most importantly: how did you keep thirty children in line in Disneyland of all places??
Sorry you have to go back to work. I know it's never a pleasant thing.
Okay, let's, or rather you, pay, and I'll walk you home.
*wonders*
Is she really going to trust me with this? Oh well, others have made that mistake, too...
Oh, and....
*gets up, and beats hell's bells out of man with hat who had approached zuzu from the back*
There. Wasn't that nice now?

I do wish you'd stop hitting people.
Yes I'll pay...this time...next time is your treat..and I get new clothes too!
Yeah movies possibly a bad idea as now I'm back at work (no staying up 'til 5 am anymore...just up at 6.30..I wasn't made to work!) if I enter a darkened room I just fall asleep!
OK Mr Film- buff..what movie is the line "Be afraid...be very afraid" from?
My kids were great in Disneyland..the treat of "Behave or you spend the rest of your holiday with me!" seemed to work well! Nah..only joking (no I was..really!)..our visit was so jammed pack full and I let them go off on their own...it was great!
*thud*
Thanks for pulling my chair out for me Phil...but I think you're supposed to wait until I've stood up!
No...I'll get the door this time!
Come on..this way...no not via the forest this time!
Follow me...my trusty boots will guide the way!

Whoops.. Perfectly sorry....
Uhmm.... Gandhi, wasn't it?...... Yes, definitely Gandhi. I really liked that scene when he stood in front of that mirror, saying: "You looking at me? Are YOU looking at ME?!?"
Liked the bit about the shark, too.
NO ONE'S made to work! I have a theory it is all really a massive conspiracy conceived and carried out by the Freimaurer lobby, but I lack evidence as yet. If I ever find it, I will keep it to myself. And become a Freimaurer myself.
How on earth do you manage to get up at 6:30?? Doesn't that make you a little sick in the head??
*catches up as zuzu keeps walking ahead of him; isn't the man supposed to lead the way? what's the point of growing up a chauvinist?*
Hey, what's this?
*bows down and collects toilet paper that seems to drag behind out of zuzu's left boot*
This yours?

Told you have everything in these boots..including a few things I don't want and obviously more I didn't know about!
Look I would have let you walk on ahead, but you're just dawdling behind as usual...no I don't believe that you're protecting my rear...I'm sure that's not ethical...
Come on...might manage a couple of hours' sleep before I have to go and shout at lots of children (not a lot of difference to our date then!)...
Yeah 6.30 is not good..and I'm not very good with mornings unless I creep up on them and surprise them from behind..no such luck at the moment!
So what shall we do next time we go out?
Any sensible suggestions??

My God you are insulting. Really.
Well, next time I could show you my stamp collection. - No? Okay. Thought so.
Hey, you know what? Oktoberfest is coming!! For some strange reason it always starts in September - really don't know why they didn't call it Septemberfest.... Oh, I know.... Because everybody knows it as Octoberfest... (hehe. my jokes don't get any better, do they?)
Wanna go there? That's where you get REALLY drunk (just by breathing in the fumes)!
I'd like to clear this up: what exactly do you mean, not much difference to our date?? You've pocked out my eye, you broke my nose, okay, but you didn't actually yell at me..... Or did you? My mother starts yelling at me after a few hours whenever I visit her, and I never hear that.... Or so she says...
Oh come on now. Didn't you have any fun at all? Didn't my considerable, if somewhat rough, charm play on you the tiniest little bit?
Ohhhhh.....
You must believe me, I tried, honest to God (he says crossing his fingers)!
Or could it be-
*has closer look at zuzu (for which he has had ample opportunity, but somehow missed all of it)*
Hmm.... No, you aren't THAT old.... Not like I thought....

EXCUSE ME??!!!
*Definately shouting now*
Not "THAT" old??? Not like you thought???
What pray tell does that mean??
People would always be amazed when I told them how old I was (No they thought I was younger ..thank you!).
No I do think I have aged a few years in this one evening (being unconscious several times...you trying to drown me..etc etc), but I must have vaguely enjoyed this or I wouldn't have agreed to a rematch...opps sorry another date!
Not too sure I'm enjoying these comparisons to various members of your family though...Grandmother..mother...not sure what it says about you either!
Oktoberfest sounds just like what the doctor ordered...but in a more fun format!
Count me in..just not on a school night..have to do my homework!