h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Would you like fries with that?
Flambe?
*Thinks "not sure I like the sound of that..altogether too dangerous after the evening we've had so far."..decides to humour him, and play along*
Hope you weren't too offended by my little orange juice joke before..laughing at my increasing years more than anything...
That shirt quite suits you you know...
Where are you going? Oh great some date this is ....I'm half dead....£'s out of pocket.....and now get to sit here on my own...
Ok see you in a moment...
Garcon!
*Promptly proceeds to chat waiter up*

*watches from bar as his date talks to waiter in what seems an altogether too friendly way*
Well, I know someone who certainly won't get a penny for a tip.... Another ouzo, please! No, not double, make it a triple this time...
*stares at zuzu gloomily from the corner of his eye; zuzu seems to be putting on a show of what a good time she's having, which he doesn't like at all*
Say, is that vodka you keep over there?
*orders another drink; some very nasty thoughts*
I'll have anwother thisky.... No, I'll tell you when I've had enough, thank you....
*sinks into despair; after a while his thoughts drift off to sheep, and motored buffaloes*
What... No, I'm fine.... No need to prop me up....
*still feels some annoying emotions, though their source has completely evaded him*
Uhmm....
*has a look around, sees waiter chatting it up with some beautiful girl; decides to join them; stumbles over*
Hello there...
*to waiter*
Go stuff a fish, why don't you.... Yes, that's a good boy.....
*sits down heavily opposite that girl*
Nice place, isn't it?
*realizes she doesn't answer him, just keeps looking at him in this odd, somehow infuriated way*
So, you here alone, or what?
*no reaction*
What's your name, then?

Phil! Will you please that poor girl alone! I'm sure she doesn't want to see your etchings...and certainly not waht you're about to show her!
So sorry...well yes I suoppose he is with me...
*Zuzu mumbles her apologies to attractive woman sat glaring at them both..woman seems very unimpressed by both of them*
No I'm not his mother!
*Phil comes to long enough to stop Zuzu taking a swipe at smug conceited woman*
*Helps Phil back to their table and attempts to keep him upright in order to stop him falling into his flaming pizza...fails miserably. *
Opps sorry (hehe)
You seem to have singed your eyebrows...

Excuse me for a moment...
*walks over to neighbouring table and soaks his flaming head in ice-bucket*
Sorry...
*sits down again*
Hey, wait a minute... Did she call you my MOTHER???
*gets up again, walks over to girl, grabs her by her hair, drags her over to the bar, takes fizz-dispenser and does something unspeakable*
SHE'S NOT MY MOTHER!!!! AND I AM NOT THAT YOUNG!!!!! GET IT??? GET IT, YOU *+#`?§"$%&??????
*wipes off foam from mouth, returns to table, and sits down in a very casual manner*
Right. Let's eat.

Well I think she deserved that...smug cow...can't believe you (and the waiter come to that) ever found her attractive...far too scrawny!
And by the way didn't you mean and she's not that old??
Nevermind all over and done now..
And I'm starving...
How's the pizza?
Most unusual topping (but knowing you quite ordinary I suppose)...quite surprised they stocked it didn't realise yak was in season.
Phil..that girl...don't think she was alone....ummm..think her boyfriend might want a word with you..
*As Phil turns he sees a 6ft 4 strapping body builder before him*

*feels very, very small all of a sudden, and very, very sober*
Hello there.... Would... would you like to join us? No, guess not.... Say, is that a tattoo? Looks great... What does it say? Oh... SAS... I see.... Hmmm...
*thinks of something to say that might diffuse the situation somewhat*
Say, could it be I know your mother?? You do look sort of familiar.... Let me think.... Oh yes - does she work on the sidewalk? Nightshift?
*WHAM*
Hah, missed me!
*wonders what gorilla might have hit when he ducked down; realizes zuzu has disappeared somehow*
Hey, look, let me explain something to you.... You're making a big mistake...... See, it wasn't me who had the idea of turning your girlfriend into a blowfish...
*points at zuzu's empty seat*
Really it was hers!
*wonders where zuzu could be; hopes she returns in time with an item from her boots that might come in handy now*

*still no sign of zuzu; where is she?*
Take your filthy hand off my collar! This is a new shirt! Was a gift, too!!!
*feels himself lifted up into regions where the air tends to get a little thin*
Waiter!
*sees waiter approaching; doesn't like the grin in his face, though*
Oh great....
*hears shirt ripping*
(mumbling to himself) Great moment for you to vanish, zuzu.... Buy some dahlias and put them on my grave....

Sorry Phil just returned from powdering my nose...
Hey Ugly..*half the restaurant turn around..see it's not just me with an inferiority complex!*
Put him down!
*Thug turns around to face her..still clutching Phil*
Tommy Johnson!!! How are you? Haven't seen you since you were expelled from school when you were 14 after you put the Deputy Head in hospital!
Yes it's me your old maths' teacher!
*Tommy mutters something in Neanderthal style*
Sorry what was that?
I don't look any different since you saw me ..ahhh thanks Tommy ..so sweet..I always thought you were misunderstood at school.
*Suddenly notices Phil turning blue and frothing at the mouth*
Umm..would you mind putting my friend down..he's a little sensitive...
*Phil is dropped unceremoniously in a heap and stays there*
Thanks.....So tell me Tommy what are you up to these days?
(Do stop babbling Phil...you can breath now....don't be so melodramatic..I hope that's not a rip I can see in you new shirt..)
A contract killer! How exciting! Can't believe it...you were so quiet in school..
Well nice to see you Tommy...keep in touch...not too close mind you (but I may have work for you later...so give me your mobile number!)
*Tommy rips off a piece of shirt from a passing waiter and scrawls down a number*
Thanks..have a good night...so sorry about your girlfriend..I'm sure she'll find walking easier soon
Ahh Phil, that was little Tommy...bless
Phil?....PHIL!!!!
*Phil is still slumped in a heap on the floor*
Get up man for goodness' sake...
Let's finish this meal..I've waited long enough for it....little Tommy Johnson..always had a soft spot for him..
So nice to see him after all this time.
Thought you were quite rude though. Didn't even say hello. Honestly Phil..sometimes I despair of you.

*opens eyes*
What....
*sees zuzu bowed over him*
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???
*gets up; thinks he hears something cracking; feels a rather sharp pain in his neck; sees thug waving at zuzu*
Good God.... Just what did you do exactly to get me free??
*in direction of thug*
Et vous, monsieur, je crache sur vous!!! (see? I speak French, too)
*to zuzu*
So, are you sure it was mathematics you taught this guy? You sure it wasn't something different? Something nasty to do with the Falkland Islands once???
*slumps into chair*
Hey, my pizza's stopped flaming! Let's ask your friend. Maybe he's got a flame thrower on him.
*looks at zuzu*
Or who knows, maybe you've got one, too?!
*thinks*
This whole date-thing is getting more and more exasperating.
So, what other nice friends you got? You know Jack the Ripper, too? That would be amazing, for two reasons: first, it would make you even older than you look; and second, the man was actually my great-grandfather. Ooops.... Now, that was only a joke, of course.

You're on dangerous ground there pal..so I stop that train of thought before you start! (There is now though a theory that Jack the Ripper did come from Liverpool though!)
1) You know perfectly well how old I am and I do not appreciate cracks about my age...everyone says I look very good for it thankyou very much!
2)If you continue with any more snide comments I may be forced to phone little Tommy back up, to come to my rescue!
and last but not least,
3) You really are on dangerous ground...that waiter you insulted earlier has just opened up a manhole cover underneath the chair your just about to....opps!
*Shan't bother with this one.... perfectly obvious what happens to Phil*
Phil?
Phil?
Are you alright?
Where are you?
Come out please people are looking (as if they weren't before).

*opens eyes, once again*
Ouchhhhhhh.......
*has a look around, which is difficult as he's surrounded by pitch-black darkness*
Good God.... What are those cold, hissing things that are sliding over me???
*lights a match; becomes very, very still as he sees assorted boas, pythons, and other nasty creatures attempting to make love to him*
Uhmm.....
*fights down approaching faintness; starts removing snakes*
Hey, zuzu! You got a torch in your boots???
*something hard drops on his head*
.....OUCH!!..... Thank you!!!
*lights torch, gets up ever so carefully; has look around; sees he's in a very large room; sees ancient, Egyptian, God-like figures of stone towering over him; in a far-away corner, he sees a sort of altar, with a large, golden ark on it, with golden cherubs stuck on top of each corner*
Say.... This looks familiar....
*goes towards altar, when out of nothingness a fist strikes him; another visit to the floor; a figure clad into a brown leather jacket and a fedora bows over him*
Now, this is just ridiculous.
*fist strikes poor Phil again; comfortable nothingness surrounds him for a while, thinks he hears trumpets doing a march fading away; wakes up again with searing headache*
Uhmm... Hello??
*no one answers; Phil gets up once again; that funny-looking ark is gone; so is the man who struck him down*
Okay. I just don't wanna know. All I want is my pizza.
*walks back underneath trap-door*
Hey, zuzu.... You got a rope, too??
*hears familiar hissing, sees shapes crawling towards him*
Uhmm.... Hurry up a bit, will you???

What was that?
Cakes? Phil this is no time to be thinking of dessert..you still haven't eaten your main course and are unlikely to be able to stuck down a hole!
Will you just hurry up and get out of this blasted hole!
Oh snakes?!! Don't be ridiculous man! I have noticed your tendency to be a little fanciful in your tales...Just move please...there's a crowd beginning to gather..
Throw you some dope? No I won't!!! It might make you feel a bit more relaxed...but it won't get you out or help my blood pressure..besides, I've already told you I'm far too responsible an adult to take drugs "(just say no kids")...
Oh a rope! Wish you'd speak more clearly. Hold on!
*Throws rope to Phil and anchors end round table*
OK...start climbing...and make it quick! My pizza's getting cold and I think I just saw the waiter guzzling down my wine.
Now, see how wonderful these boots are..that was my laces that you just climbed up!
*Attempts to break up assembled crowd which is, by now, quite large*
Right...move along now please nothing to see here..
(Well nothing except some imbecile who must be the most accident-prone man I've ever met!)
Can we now finish our meal without any more interruptions?
Oh my God Phil...you stink whatever did you land in?

That's right. Just add insult to injury.
And what do you mean, fanciful???
Okay. Let's forget all of this.
*sits down*
Could we please get back to normal?? Like, eat pizza??
*eyes zuzu suspiciously*
Did some guy with a fedora just climb out this hole??

Philip, dearest...
*She said in her best patronising sort of voice that she used with less intelligent 12 year-olds*
Nobody except you has come out of that hole at all...
...look it must have been that bang on your head that did it..food is what you need, proper sustainance...but as we don't have any, just eat your pizza and CALM DOWN!
It has been quite an eventful sort of evening and I expect you must be tired now...perhaps it's time for one of your pills?

Anyway...what do you fancy doing after this? I noticed a nightclub down the road.
That could be fun?

*grin starts to brighten up Phil's face considerably*
Yeahh.... It could be...
*nervous look around*
And you're absolutely sure you saw no one???
*sudden frantic expression; jumps up, reaches into his pants, and pulls out a snake (no, not the one you're thinking)*
Christ!!!
*turns to zuzu triumphantly, holds snake under her nose*
And just what is this???? You think this just crawled out of my pizza????
Waiter!
*waiter arrives; Phil hands him snake*
If you'll take this away, please... Thank you...
*watches waiter leave; grins happily when he sees him get bitten in his nose*
Okay. That's settled. Now, for the last time: let's eat!

Look pal what you decide to keep in your trousers is no concern of mine!
You could be a part of David Copperfield's magic act (glamourous assistants are hard to come by these days), anything could have happened in that forest, you were gone a long time..God knows what crept up your trouser leg! (The bigger mystery being of course why on earth it would choose to stay!?)
And of course let's not forget that it could ahve been a tape worm...after all judging by the smell of you I would hazard a guess that you actually fell in a sewer!
Anyhow, whilst you were gone I asked for the bill...yes I've already paid (I'm sure you'll pay me back though..guess I'm just a little worreid how!).
So once you've put out that mouthful (why on earth you chose flambe I'l never know!) we'll go.
Got your dancing shoes on??

*looks dejectedly under the table; sees he's wearing his Camel Survivor Boots*
Yes, I am. (straight lie to zuzu's face!)
*worried look*
You didn't give him a tip, did you?
Okay, let's go.
*both get up; Phil sneers at the waiter, who has the audacity of repeating his gesture, so he brakes waiter's nose; outside, Phil breathes in the cool night air*
Ahh, that's better... Ooops!
*Phil steps back onto the curb when a large van passes by with palm trees painted on the sides and a rather obscene symbol underneath which was once quite popular in Germany*
Hmmm... Oh well, let's go. I'm not saying anything.
*steps onto street when a horse rushes by with a man in a leather jacket and a fedora, a gun in his hand, in hot pursuit of the van; Phil looks at zuzu*
Still, I won't say anything.... No, I won't.....
*tiny pause*
Well, you damn well saw that, didn't you?? DIDN'T YOU????
No, you needn't answer me. No need to apologize.....
*walks on*
By the way, do ever actually sleep? I mean, you seem to be quite active at night.... Esp. in between 3 to 5 a.m....
Your tooth bothering you so much, or what?

I always work/play best at night...do like to party...zimmer frame willing...
And yes actaully my tooth is killing me (really and run out of painkillers...op not 'til next week!). But I do find the best way to get rid of toothache is to severely anaesthetise the patient...preferably with wine of any vague description!
Did I see what?
That van....well yes but that was just from the local sunbed/massage shop...strange time to make deliveries sure, but well, I suppose people will at least be in..
That man? Wearing a leather jacket? In the hat? With a gun? Obviously advertising the fancy dress theme night in the club we're going to....
Do hope they'll let us in..seing as only one of us is in fancy dress.
*Raises eyebrows, naroows eyes and looks at Phil pointedly*
Just difficult to know exactly what to say that you've come as....

Myself, actually. Hope that doesn't pose a problem.
*worried look*
Or does it?
*shrugs it off; it couldn't possibly; switches subject to a topic he finds rather pressing*
You just don't want to see, do you??
Why is it that you women folks never want to acknowledge that your male opposite is right?? Not even for once??
Are we so despicable that giving in for once, just one single time, is so totally out the question??
If we wind up tonight in some very bizarre way sitting in a cart, racing through some mine, pursued by people in funny-looking clothes, end up on a bridge, and some madman with said hat cuts the rope and we die a very violent death, you'd still claim - while falling to your death - "Oh, gee, Phil, come on now, it's just your overstrained imagination."
Ahhh.... Women.... The age-old mystery.....
Or is it your age? Do you get so enwrapped in your own little world that you just cannot bear facing reality any more? Had a grand-ma once who developed a similar attitude when she reached 80.....

*Promptly breaks Phil's nose*
There now you can go as a boxer.
We could make it even more authentic if you prefer with a black eye too?
I shall take that muffled response as a "No"
But let me tell you anymore wise cracks me laddo and you're on your own!
And as for your stupid story about carts and ropes and knives..do you really think that's at all feasible?
Well...come to think of it, after this evening's capers..I don't suppose it is quite so far fetched...but hardly likely really now is it?
And what do you mean you had a grand-ma once?
*Those old worries started to creep back out of that dusty corner of her mind again....and someone seemed to have run away with the broom*