h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

May I remind you I provided this bottle (that is currently nearing emptiness)..so I shall sip as quickly as I want!
As to your tales? Tell me the best bits, the worst bits, the most entertaining bits, the funny bits, the sad hits..heck any bits! It's your story...entertain me!
(And get another bottle while your up!)

May I remind you I provided this bottle (that is currently nearing emptiness)..so I shall sip as quickly as I want!
As to your tales? Tell me the best bits, the worst bits, the most entertaining bits, the funny bits, the sad hits..heck any bits! It's your story...entertain me!
(And get another bottle while you're up!)

Well, well, well... That's kinda lot... Okay, let's get started.
My name is - Ismael. Hehe. No, too corny to be entertaining (yet it points at what kind of a well-read person I am). Sorry. Start again...
I'll start with one of the saddest bits: currently, I'm a student of American cultural history. Please don't tell me now you didn't know there was any culture in America. If I got a penny...
Apart from what this might suggest, I'm not too weird (I think), but a rather intelligent, highly educated, good-looking, athletic, generally perfect kind of guy. Really.
There are some rumors to the effect that really I'm just a poser who likes to disguise his true self that is somewhat closer to a crossing between Thatcher and Enoch Powell and Jack the Ripper, but I insist there is no truth to these charges whatsoever.
What, snoring away already??
Well, you got anything to tell that is of more interest? I'm waiting (and knocking it off on the whisky I just found)...

Me interesting? Bah! One look at my intro should tell you differently!
Sooo.....*she said still sipping*a student eh? In England? Where are you residing besides at the Bates' Motel?
(Whisky must be diminishing by now! Shame I didn't leave anything for you the other night..sorry!).
I wanted a story. One I could curl up on the settee and listen to...sipping my Chardonnay, ignoring my ever incessant toothache and aching limbs (been out jogging)...and marvel at the excitement/complexity/emotional intensity of someone else's life......
....so tell me a story ....
....Cocktail savouries are running low this time (2nd cupboard on the right)..thanks...but not in that dish!
......"Once upon a time............

Not in England, no, though I'd love to. Keep guessing. I'll give you a hint: once a year, lotsa people get lotsa drunk. I mean REALLY drunk. Imagine the world's largest pub hosting the entire Irish population + Boris Yeltsin, and then some.
*thinks of something hugely impressive and entertaining to say; scratches head*
You know, Steven Spielberg once made a movie 'bout an ancestor of mine. I'm not joking. And I don't mean Captain Hook.
*suddenly a look of worry*
Could I please have my whisky back??

Now that whisky bottle was empty when you put it down! I admit to my actions (well some of the time!).
As to your clue...obviously my vast intellect (huh?) has let me down, I'm reading too deeply into what you've said (unlikely!) or that whisky I drank (opps!) *grins wickedly yet endearingly* is still in my bloodstream, or ....go on give us another clue!
Now the fim thing...You don't have a very toothy grin do you? Breath smelling of rancid fish and package holiday makers?
*Gets up and stretches*. Nevermind this jogging malarkey all this going up and downstairs to the wine cellar...is killing me..can't you but a wine rack and leave it in the kitchen?

Oh, never you mind...
*gets up, walks down to the cellar; lots of clinking (and also some rather dubious noise), returns with a huge crate, panting heavily*
I'm sorry. Where are my manners. No more walking down those blasted stairs.
*collapses into chair, motions towards crate*
Suit yourself. Take care of your tooth ache.
Concerning my present whereabouts: people wear funny clothes. And they speak with a funny accent. And, as I said, they drink a lot, mostly beer.
The film thing: I'll act as if I didn't hear that. Toothy grin! If you please! Didn't you, to your own admission, see me grinning rather non-chalantly when you woke up from your coma??
No, try harder. And no - I do not carry a bull whip.

Hmmmmm.......after even more Chardonnay and the last of the Courvoisier.......*silly grin....no longer endearing, just pathetic* ( possibly due to the fact that the dental surgery appointment has just come through for the 13th(really) and REALLY doesn't want afore-mentioned dental surgery..oh...and also due to the cognac....hehe!)
Hmmmmm.....wearing funny clothes.....speaking in funny accents you say, not funny language.....heck why I am I pretending I know....it's enough to hit the real keyboard (whaddaya' mean there aren't really 3!). See what the threat of a dental surgeon will do to a girl! (good excuse huh?)
So.....are your ancestors little cute things....with their fingers stuck on redial? Still in contact with Drew Barrymore?
Oh..it's all too much pass that crate and no, you can keep the glass.....

I really don't want to complicate things for you, what with impending dental surgery, wine et al., but I didn't actually say that accents mentioned above are necessarily of the ENGLISH language... To make things a little easier for you, I'll give you some geographical hints: from Liverpool, head to your right, then way down below. And yes, bring a rubber duck.
Listen, I feel I should give you a warning about your dentist: do not go there. Some funny stories I've heard about him. Well, not funny for the patients, actually. Not funny at all.

I really don't want to complicate things for you, what with impending dental surgery, wine et al., but I didn't actually say that accents mentioned above are necessarily of the ENGLISH language... To make things a little easier for you, I'll give you some geographical hints: from Liverpool, head to your right, then way down below. And yes, bring a rubber duck.
Listen, I feel I should give you a warning about your dentist: do not go there. Some funny stories I've heard about him. Well, not funny for the patients, actually. Not funny at all.
Well, concerning my ancestors, not really, though I sometimes have that suspicion when looking at my lovely family (hear the sarcasm oozing away)...
No, my ancestor's more of a historical figure. He also did something nice, once.
Come to think of it, lemme do something nice for you.
*draws several bottles from the crate, pours some of their contents into large glass, adds ice-cubes and some other things one better not know about...*
Here. Have this. Will make tooth ache go away.

Hey, don't I get a drip with that? I hope the dentist uses some of this stuff...it's really good!
You never told me you were good at cocktails! Am a little concerned by ti's colour though (purple?) and a little worried by the smoke rising from the top..but who cares?! Tastes good and has a very strange effect on my limbs.....
*Smiles hazily*
Right....where were we? Ah yes....where you live....
*Eyes closed and drifts off to some far away place (could even be close to where you are!)*
Are you still in Europe? Who cares?! Mix me another! Easy on the ice..diluted the last one too much.
And your ancestor...hmmmmmm......are you sure he wasn't an alien?
Oh and can I have a little umbrella and a cherry this time too please?

Sure. Just a moment.
*gets up, exits smiling; outside, the smile freezes somewhat, however*
Umbrella? Cherry? My God... Must find something...
*worried look around the kitchen - nothing; worried look gradually replaced by frantic expression as fruitless search continues*
(muttering to himself) Hey, wasn't there something in the garden once...
*runs outside; sees shrub with funny-looking, red fruits on it; picks some, runs back inside*
Now for the umbrella...
*glues some colored paper on a stick*
That'll do...
*enters again, fixes new drink*
Here you are... Case you wondering 'bout that strange-looking cherry, that's state-of-the-art... barkeeping equipment...
*settles down again, somewhat anxiously watching that fruit, hopes she won't eat it*
Well, back to where we were... Still Europe, yep... Somewhat closer to the center than you, though. Besides drinking, people also eat a lot... Great deal of pretzels... And something truly disgusting they call weisswurst...
And what do you mean - am I sure he wasn't an alien?? You trying to say something, or what??

Hey thanks!
Now that's what I call a drink! *Swigs happily on rainbow -coloured frothing concoction, and licks lips (actually feels like Alice in Wonderland, as range of strange flavours greets her tastebuds...)*
Neat umbrella too....look it's just like a pub umbrella loads of advertising on it...and other strange pictures..
*Gives Phil a disparaging look as she realises what pictures are of*
Now...even by my poor geographical knowledge, I think you must be in Germany?? And so your relative must have been German too? Did he only exist in black and white? See your marvellous cocktail has reawakened my dormant brain...
*Looks back at umbrella and frowns....wonders why the stick part still has bark on it*
I love cocktails....especially with the trimmings...besides the obvious alcoholic content *wide grin*....I just adore the cherries!
This one looks exceptinoally juicy.
*Chomps away happily at "cherry" eating her way around the sap of the "cocktail stick"*
Strange taste though..even stranger than the cocktail........who let that white rabbit in?

*thinks to himself*
My God... She ate it... White rabbit??
*has look around; sees rabbit himself*
Ah... It really exists...
*worried look*
Or does it?
*shrugs it off*
Well, back to our topic.
Congratulations!! That's a double hit!!! Well, I'm not quite in Germany, really I'm in Bavaria, which is a totally different country as any Bavarian will be all too ready to tell you... And you know, they are right. Now guess what city I live, hehe.
And my relative really was in black and white. And no, it's not Amon Goeth (you know: the triggerhappy one).
*keeps watching her anxiously*
Are you alright?
*only worrying thing he sees are slightly dilated pupils*
So... where's that rabbit thing gone?
*suddenly sees something*
My God... you didn't... you didn't... what did you do to it????
What's all this fluffy fur in the air???

Look the savouries had long gone, and there was no sign of any more barsnacks materialising....
*She slurred as the room turned over, flashed orange, and turned back again*
It is a well known fact that people need something to eat after drinking (especially heavily, and boy were those cocktails heavy!)...hence the popularity of dodgy burger bars....
Could I see and such a mobile heaven anywhere on the horizon?
*Stops as she watches Phil's arms unattach themselves from his body shake hands with each other and swap places...blinks very determinedly and all goes back to normal*
(What did you put in those cocktails?)
Anyhow I'm nothing if not resourceful and rabbit kebabs can be very tasty...wouldn't eat the one with the whiskers still attached though...that nose still seems to be twitching..
Go on tuck in..got any tahini sauce?

*thinks to himself while smiling chalantly*
Okay.. stay calm... Gotta fix her something to eat. God knows what she'll do to the furniture when I look away...
*gets up*
Hey listen. How about going into the kitchen and getting something to eat? There should still be some... something...
left... that was once... alive... I think...
*thinks to himself*
Hopefully not alive again by now...
*turns around before walking down stairs, a rather dangerous undertaking, as it occurs to him now*
You think you can manage the stairs?
*very chalantly; all-gentleman, knight-in-shining-armour-like*
I can carry you, if you want.
*thinks*
Hehehe... Please, oh PLEASE say yes... Hehehe...

*Gazes at knight in shining armour gratefully, and then turns her attention to Phil*
By all means yes...let's go to the kitchen..this rabbit probably should be cooked first, you're right..
Not too sure I can do the stairs...legs appear to have stopped working...what WAS in that cocktail?
Yes will probably need carrying.....
*Wonders about his weight lifting prowess...turns back to knight......wonders if perhaps between them they could manage to lift her. Gives in worrying.*
We could always order a dial a pizza?

witty... really witty... also vicious...
Unfortunately, the phone's out of working order. Coincidence, isn't it. I'm afraid you'll have to take your chances with me.
And in case you're wondering where your knight has gone - I just kicked him out the window.

Obviuosly my vicious tongue is a rather nasty after effect of that last drink (the previuos 12 were fine!).
Look, I'm just seeing things in triplicate...and am also starving!
*Wrinkles brow*
Strange that phone is out of order.
Seeing as my pizza is now not an option (and I was so looking forward to those anchovies)..guess that rabbit kebab (Ok..we can cook it) is back no the menu.....
*Smiles optimistically at Phil*.
Come on let's go that kitchen then. Can you help me up?

I'd love to!
*helps zuzu up*
My, you have the weight of a feather!
*mumbles to himself through clenched teeth*
God, how will I get her down those stairs... Will the stairs be able to support her, I wonder?