h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Your doctor ordered you total annihilation?? Wow.... Exactly how bad is that tooth ache of yours???
I do not think you're old.
(I think you're older snicksnicksnick....)
No, actually..... I think you're quite all right. Yes really. And about aging a few years in the past few hours (another insult?): you know what they say.... Live fat, fast, I mean, die young...
You misunderstood something there! I would never compare you to a member of my family! Please, I'm trying to forget!!!
All women.... No father..... No male role model to guide me.... Just lotsa sisters and various aunts... My God what am I saying???
Don't get me wrong here!!! As I'm sure you've well realized, my masculinity has not suffered the tiniest little bit!!
Just my self-esteem as a member of the strong sex.... (Strong?? My sister beat me up once.... It's all a ridiculous myth!!)
There now you know one major source of my life-long abuse!
Homework??? Wait a minute, aren't you a teacher? Is it the other way around in Britain?? Isn't there ANYTHING you people do like people on the continent?? I always thought it kinda strange to drive on the left side (well dump, really: what do you do when a car comes from the opposite direction??).... The famous British spleen, I presume....

STOP dawdling! I need some sleep before I tackle those girls tomorrow!
It's just around this corner.
Of course I get homework..planning, marking and loads of paperwork..I am actually quite a responsible
person..well at work anyway..in fact, assembly tomorrow..hate that!
Hey..you could help me!
Think of a nice moral issue I can talk about for 20 minutes...and then pass on a few key points for my interesting, amusing, yet informative, soul-enriching and inspirational start to the day (only about 300 people listening..or pretending to..well in some cases).
Right, we're here...
Coffee before I collapse?
Come in...ignore the mess...
No..don't sit on the cat..he really wouldn't like it..yes, you may, but he wouldn't!
Milk? Sugar?

Lotsa cream, lotsa sugar (my life motto)
Thank you.
Hey, you know what?? I gotta do lots of paperwork these days, too!! Currently, I'm trying to tell those people I mentioned somewhere above on this long, long evening how to write a decent composition in English. Oh, boy...
Germans are always so terribly proud of their superior school system and the wonderful education they are getting, esp. when their opposite happens to be an uncivilized Anglo-Saxon, but the fact is that nothing really works!! Text analysis, anyone?? -Never heard of that. - King Lear? - Gee, never heard of that one before.... - Okay. Okay. What's the simple present? - Simple what???
Terrible. Just terrible.
This might be a bit late, but how about this:
Why should I refrain from spitting on the sidewalk?
I think there are lots of moral issues involved in this problem of out modern times, a problem that becomes more and more pressing.
Key points:
-people might step on frozen spit in winter and break their necks
-your girlfriend might be put off by you spitting on civilisation
-uhmm.... just can't think of anything anymore..... stupid topic....
So what's assembly anyway?? Is that where the daily conditioning takes place? You know - like that dog (Pawlow, I think they called it; no that was the scientist)??
*MIOOOOWW!!!*
Oooops sorry....
OUCHHH!!!!!

Told you he wouldn't like it!
But judging by the grin on your face you did!
I've got some rather nice home-made carrot cake in the kitchen..let me get it..didn't know I could cook did you??
I heard that wise crack!!
See it ain't easy to teach is it? Especially when they don't want to know! Never assume any prior knowledge!
Assemblies are a weekly gathering of all my little angels whilst I give them useful information and some moral story to inspire them to better things! (In theory! But at 8.30 in the morning I don't think that either they or myself are awake!)
Well...need sleep! So about this next date? Fancy going out at the weekend??
How about Friday night?

Friday's fine by me. I'll go get some sleep now. The way I feel, I probably won't wake up before sometime round 7 or 8 p.m.
So, should I pick you up, or would you like to risk another visit to my cave?
*sees something; has a look*
Simply Red??? Good God. Say, don't you find it embarrassing to leave this sort of thing around for others to see??
School doesn't start till 8:30 in England? How luxurious! Germany's tougher. A lot.
*accepts a piece of cake*
Thank you.... Hmm this is good (no really!).....
Thought you were a good cook.
How's your tooth? The faithful day's getting closer... and closer.... Did I ever tell you of this friend of mine who once underwent a similar operation? Never woke up, poor sod...
Uhmm.... Could you do me a favor??

Get the cat out of my hair, then.

Look, he's just being affectionate....he only does that to people he likes!
You should see what he does to those he doesn't!
I'd forgotten what hard work all this teaching malarkey is...been on the phone during all non-teaching time, sorting out complaints from parents about the ability groups that their daughters have been put in..jolly fun!
If you care to look closely at that Simply Red cd you'll see that I moulded it into an ashtray over the gas ring..well had to find a use for it somehow...no I don't smoke (unless someone's set fire to me...shouldn't have said that to you should I?)..but it still seems more useful in that mode.
Can't say I'm looking forward to Wednesday (well I could, but that would be a complete lie!)..had a wisdom tooth out in a similar way and the pain when the anaesthetic wore off was unbelievable...so that should be fun..don't even get to miss my worse class of the week...have a good timetable for Wednesday...ah well!
Right..you pick me up...8 - 8.30 pm??
See you then!

8 - 8:30's fine.
*rips cat off his face*
Meanwhile, I'll go and try to find a doctor who'll stitch me up again. I'm hurting.
See 'ya!
(by the way: why don't you have a look at the Guide's front page, and tell me what you saw)

*knock knock*

*impatient look at his watch*
Man.... What's she waiting for? Getting cold...

Hi...
Sorry about the wait!
The make up took a little longer than planned...no jokes about trowels etc please..that would be far too predictable!
You look a little chilly!
Probably that icicle that's hanging off your nose that does it!
Come in and defrost..the cat has been looking forward to your visit all day!
Let me get you a drink...Chardonnay?
My cocktails aren't up to your standard I'm afraid!
So what have you been up to since we last met?
I'm glad the week's over..never easy going back into work after such a long break.
So what shall we do this evening?
*Doesn't like the look he's giving her as she asks this question*
(I did see the home page..but had already read your article..see I do my homework!)

Yes, but they put it on the FRONT PAGE!!!!!!! Oh, heck, I'm so BRILLIANT!!!!
Well, I've been teaching (hah!), and against all expectations, it turned out to be quite some fun. You know what happens when you discuss interesting literature, not the s'+* they force you to read at school?? People actually get interested! And they have fun, too!!
Also went to work. Uhm... Had a very interesting accident there...
*happily accepts drink*
Thank you.... another one, please....
*attempts to steer clear of cat, fails miserably*
OUCHH!!!!
Hey, let's get out now! Please?? We'll find something....

Yes I know you're very clever...never denied the fact...it's me that we always put down as stupid! Must have got confused ..poor love!
Yeah..teaching can be great! Except when you have my exam group..if I spent the lesson discussing where I bought my clothes, who's going out with who and what was on TV last night it would be wonderful..but try and bring maths in to the lesson and you have a mutiny on your hands!
What happened to you at work?
Don't move so quickly...you'll startle him! Oh too late!!! Now..Tiddles get off there..I think you're hurting him..nasty man didn't mean to frighten you...come on..there there..
He's traumatised now..poor thing...
Yes let's go before you upset him again!

What, just traumatised? Meant to give him a heart-attack.... Or was it the other way round?
What happened to me at work? Not sure you'll buy this.... But it's true.
Do you know how long a print is? Two to three kilometers. When the blasted thing falls apart, you have a problem. Well, one night at work I heard a funny noise coming from one of the rooms where the projectors are located. You have to climb some stairs to reach it, and guess what?? The f'*#`ß= print had slipped off from the metal plate it usually rests on, and came tumbling down towards me. Quite a mess.... What to do?? Well, we tried to roll it back up, but that didn't work. So we took the blasted thing, dragged it out the door (with one end still attached to the projector), took it down the street, over the bridge (true!) up to the Chinese restaurant. Then, somebody switched on the projector, and we let the whole thing roll up again. Some of those Chinese came out and took a photo. Not very funny. My boss was laughing his head off. I was close to a heart-attack.
Oh my God.... The cat! Take the cat away!!!

What.... Fallen asleep already?

zuzu... WAKE UP!!!
I'm terribly sorry, but I'll have to cut this date short. Something unforeseen just came up.
Sorry!!
I'll try and get in touch tomorrow....
But since you seem asleep already, this cannot be such a catastrophe...

Whaadsupp?? *mumble snuggle mummur*
*Wakes up to find herself alone...besides a happy cat*
Phil? Phil?? Where are you? Come on this is no time to be playing hide and seek!
Look come out..I'm sorry I dropped off..don't know what came over me..unless..you didn't put anything in my drink again did you?
*Searches house*
Hmmm...not here.....and neither it seems is my jewellery

Guess what. I'm back!
Now, isn't that nice?
Hey, you know what? I unexpectedly... uhmm.... inherited all this cash, so tonight's on me!
How's your tooth??
Thought so.
Let's go get drunk.

Alcohol?
Yes, a marvellous idea..especially after the day I've had!
(By the way do you know anything about my missing jewels?? Thought not..just as well they were all paste anyway!)
Mondays are never good(
But we now have an extreme petrol shortage...blockades on distributers..panic buying..no fuel at the inn..as in none!
Ah well....just won't be able to go into work then (don't think that'll wash!)..won't be able to get to dentist!
Actually have now got to stage when I want to go..can't take any more pain..was concerned about cosmetics of situation, but don't care anymore..just take the thing out!
Until then...the drinks are on you!

Hmm.... Seems like you're having a fun time. Sort of.
Well.... Tomorrow's the day!
Petrol shortage, huh?? Funny. That's what's happening in France, too. Just not over here, hehehe....
Your jewels are missing?? And they were all paste??? Oh.
*thinks of nasty-looking man he just conducted a business transaction with; gets a little worried*
Paste, hmmm...? That's smart.
So, about your tooth..... Would you like me to take it out for you? Have done this sort of thing before. Somewhere.... Somehow...
You can trust me. Oh, yes. Really, you can....

Not sure I want tooth to go anyway. Vanity is a terrible thing..apparently! But the pain is not good...and anything must be better than this! Thanks for the offer, but I think I'll let the surgeon attack/operate on me tomorrow.
Why so interested in the fabric of jewellery then? Just as well I keep all of the real stuff locke din the safe eh?