h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Err.... Police? Legal action? Are you kidding??
I hope you are!! .....Are you??
Well, (I hope) I'm not one of those people who try to comfort others by retorting with their own petty problems, but then it tells you yo're not all alone out there..... My week's been a decidedly mixed blessing as well (well... I suppose yours was worse, really). On the one hand, I did pass my exams (quite well, in fact), and I received a government stipend, so I'm kinda rich now (comparably). On the other, I still have to find a place to live, time is running out, and then I just missed the day of enrollment for the new secondary subject I wanted to start this semester, which means I'll miss one. I feel stupid. Probably because I am stupid.
Oh, well, at least the police have stayed away so far (or have they? I keep hearing those strange sounds on the phone)....
But hey!! What am I doing here?? I was supposed to tell you a joke, wasn't I??
Well, here we go (at your own risk; don't say you haven't been warned!!):

Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.

Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to join the world again as a productive young man.

Best wishes

Bill Clinton

P.S. Ken Starr is screwing Jodie Foster.


Hehe.


A man and a woman were taking a shower together whren the doorbell rang. The wife says, "I'll get it", and wraps herself into a towel. She opens the door and sees that it is her next door neighbour. The neighbour notices that she is in a towel and says:
"Damn your fire!! I'll give you $500 right now if you'll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours." She says, "$500? Right now?" He says, "Yeah, right now." She agrees and opens her towel and lets him have a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back into the shower and her husband asks who was at the door. She says that it was the next door neighbour. He said, "Cool! Did he have my five hundred bucks?"

Hawhaw.

Well, this cheer you up a little?? There, I knew it would!

Let's go get drunk. Tonight fine??

Hmm...perhaps the joke telling wasn't such a wonderful idea!
Unfortunately I wasn't joking about the police or leagal action...and then it got worse yesterday!
But.....
..........good news!
...........................My cat came home Thursday night! She was just sat waiting for me under my car (still very much in one piece) and ran in upstairs to my bed as soon as I opened the front door! Hurrah!! So is lying here next to me now, wondering what all the fuss is about. She'd been gone 18 days, but is grounded now...for the next 10 years.
Knew you'd pass your exams..had every confidence...looks like we have celebrating to do then!
Only one more week for me to go until my holiday from school..then sleep and freedom..and Barcelona!
I am supposed to be in 2 places tonight..not too sure how I'm going to manage this one...but let's find a quiet little bistro for later...never did get my chocolate!

Errr.... What do you mean, maybe the joke-telling wasn't such a good idea?? They weren't *that* bad, now, were they?
Awww.....
Glad to hear your cat is back!!! Might wanna chain her to the bed from now on.....
Barcelona, hmmm.... Sounds nice. Very nice. I'll think of you when I'll be sitting in the library for hours.... or in front of the computer... or listening to one of my professors' ramblings once again....
or when ETA strike again (they seem to be working their way closer to the capital now)!!!
Bistro sounds good. I'm sorta hungry. A croque monsieur would be just the right thing now (come to think of it, in that strange and unknown dimension some refer to as "reality", I think I'll go to the kitchen and have one of those right now!)....
What's your trouble with the police? Doesn't sound like fun, exactly....
Well, let's go find a place where you can satisfy your monstrous and unhealthy hunger for chocolate.

Come on I used to know this fondu restaurant by the Sacre-Coeur (Rue des Trois Freres I think) which was always good for a laugh (could do with a few fo those!). It's only small, but they serve their wine in baby bottles, complete with teets. It's strange, but all the male members of our group always loved this idea and were able to get to grips, as it were, with the bottles. All the females tried for a while and then gave in, removed the teets and drank from the bottles. Wonder why that was? Not sure if it'll still be here, but we can try!
Chocolate fondu for pudding...yum!

The Sacre-Coeur.... The ugliest, most beastly building I've ever encountered.... I don't know...
What the heck! We are going there to drink (well, you to eat your chocolate, really), not to look at the surroundings, aren't we? (like always, hehe)
Let's see if I can deal with the bottles. Let's see what strength a man can develope when desparate...
By the way.... Fondue is Swiss, not French (I'm terrible, I know).
When we are settled, would you like me to make up for the joke thing?? I know some better ones.....
By the way, I forgot: Give your cat my greetings!!

Ummm...I never said that it was French...just that it was in France..thankyou!
Mathilda (my cat) didn't react to your greeting, but then she was asleep (think I may be soon..this work business isn't good for you), but the sentiment was sweet. Thank you.
So are you supposed to be working whilst sat at your pc? (It's that reality thing again) I am..loads of letters to write, just don't want to, so I shan't.
Jokes......
What do you call an aardvark that's lost a fight?
Answer soon....
Can't be bothered going to Sacre-Coeur, let's dive in here, order a bottle of red and I'll have a nose at the menu...chocolate's for dessert...have starters and main course to go yet...hehe.

Don't eat too much... We don't want *that* discussion to start again....
So your cat is getting a lot of sleep, hmmm? Well, it should be clear now what she was up.....
Actually, I'm not supposed to be writing right now, but I'm reading which comes easy as it's a very interesting subject: US society between 1920-1945. Incredible what was going on back then. Would surprise some of those who claim that Americans are stupid, uneducated, right-wing radical (hah!), fundamentalist puritans. I don't know about England, but there's such a radical anti-American sentiment in Germany currently which questions that entire country not only for its politics, but views its entire history and culture as next to non-existant. When I told an acquaintance once what it was I was studying, she looked at me, then yelled "F*****g American!" (this is true), turned on her heels and left. This sort of behaviour has many causes, but what I find worrying is the fact that I think it is also due to a new sense of shame over the defeat in WWII. I find this highly worrying, esp. in light of the newer developments in the new states.
Err... What's an aardvark exactly???

An aardvark is an anteater.....somehow I don't think this joke is going to go too well..........
I think that the anti-American feeling you experience is probably quite similar here. All viewed with a sense of cynicism and a feeling of superiority. However, most 11-18 year-olds I know don't have that opinion. But then their interest will be more currently based than yours. I must confess my historical knowledge is not (at all) what it should be....but then you can't have everything...I mean beauty, limited (watch it!) brain power, wit and cake-making talents are pretty good for such an insignificant individual.
What do you mean *that* discussion again?

Err... nothing. Really. Glad you forgot.
You have cake-making talents? Really?? Hmm.... You have to make me one some day.
I'm quite sure your brain power isn't all that limited at all - whoever understands those number things is way beyond me!! You know.... I can't even calculate percentages and such. Taxes are sheer hell for me.
History, of course, is a totally different thing. I don't know why, but I've always been that way. Even as a little boy, I read those history books made for children (quite good!) my mother kept buying me. The funny thing is, I still draw on that knowledge! When people ask me, "How did you know this?" (as happens occassionally, no, really), I'm always at a bit of a loss.... I can't say, "Well, there's this book made for children...", hehehe.....
But I'm also interested in European history (all goes hand in hand, anyway). Sometimes, very rarely, someone manages to make a movie rooted in history but also never leaving sight of the art of storytelling.... Did you see "Elizabeth"?
Come on, tell me your joke! You know by now that my sense of humor isn't that, errr, distinguished... So what's there for you to lose?

OK...
What do you call an aadvark that lost a fight?

A vark! (You have to say it out loud). Well I liked it!

Did you hear about the man who walked into a bar and asked the barman for a double entendre?

No. Tell me. - Knock knock.

The barman gave him one!


Who's there?

This is perfect! I'll use this to give some of my students a good example for an anti climax.

The little old lady.

Is this about yodelling??

Anti-climax??
Oh come on the last one was good!
Bet you smiled!
Go on...you did didn't you??

All right, I did. A tiny, tiny smile, yet a smile.
Dang. Blew it. You caught me there.
All right, I'm out of jokes (sad, isn't it), so how about some quotes:
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."
-Woody Allen
"I believe sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's wonderful."
-W.A.
"It's a gorgeous gold pocket watch. I'm proud of it. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
-W.A.

Sorry.

Hmmmm.....just come in (decided which arrangement I was going to attend...it was the one with food!) and the only things I can think of are last words (either because of your last quote or I'm warped...?? Rhetorical ...again!).
"Either those curtains go or I do"
Ok...I lied...can think of others (and no more last words...but that wine was nice!!)
"Experience, the name men give to their mistakes"
"What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body."
Alright, nothing much..but will work on it...(bet you hope I don't!)

Have you ordered our wine yet??

Of course I have... I just have a feeling that our waiter has not exactly set his mind on serving us all too quickly... French waiters aren't too friendly when it comes to foreigners... or anyone, in fact.... (actually saw one bang his tray on a friend's head when he found out that he was German)
Let's hear some more jokes in the meantime!! Quite liked the one about the railway accident...
Good luck for tomorrow - hope your problems will puff up in smoke!! Tell me when they do.
Meanwhile good night.
And don't let your cat out of your sight.

Both cats confined to barracks!
Have you actually ordered??
Thought not!
Garcon!
It takes a woman to sort these things out..as usual!
I'm not too good with jokes Phil..usually only remember half of them, and then start with the punchline...can't eevn think of any punchlines now!
Umm...
Ok
"The best defence against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off"
Ummm...
"What does a game keeper do?"
"Look after all the Pokemons."
(From a child surveyed to find out how much urban kids knew about countrylife)
Why does a man have a clean conscience?
Because it's never used.

Think I'd best stop now...
Sure you'd agree...

I hope this wine comes soon...very thirsty now....

Hehe.... Liked the one about the clean conscience thing....
So, where will this night carry us? Oh wait, I can see it clearly.... more abuse (not that I'd mind, really, hehehe)
By the way, before we continue, there's something I'd like sorted out.... It's a topic that I find very important....
What's your opinion on sober driving?
I find this very pressing.
Why is your head turning green with yellow stripes?
*head slams on table; Phil is enveloped by comforting nothingness (yet again); thinks*
I am amazed by the eternal cycle of yellow frogs on trees. Mashed potatoes..... Where art thou?

Have more stupid men jokes, if you're interested!
Phil?
PHIL????!!!!
Look I'm going to develop (an even bigger) complex if this conitnues...WILL YOU WAKE UP!!???
Ahhh you're beginning to come round.....
What's that?
Mashed potatoes???
Well at least you're making more sense then usual!