h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ahmm... Safe..... That's interesting....
*quick glance around; changes subject, but eyes keep hunting around*
Hey, look at the bright side! You'll get another vacation! Now, isn't that nice?
You people seem to have real problems with petrol! It's all over the news over here!
Did I ever tell you I'm working on a scientific enquiry on the places where people keep their safes? Very interesting! It gives you real insight into people's complex psychology.... Really. Wanna show me yours? Where do you keep the key?
Aww, I'll just stop bothering you now. Go to bed, keep your cheek warm, and have a nice, relaxed night if you can.


It might well be your last.

Good luck tomorrow!! Get well soon!!!

Thanks..that was really quite sweet..aww!
So this study of yours sounds just like the antithesis of the study I'm doing ..."Never Reveal Where you Safe is As People Gain too much Insight into your Complex Psychology and Where your Assets are located"
What a coincidence!
Will go and get that sleep stuff now..hope I've enough petrol to get me to surgeon tomorrow!
Perhaps another evening?
If the cat burgling permits...

*hastily hides crowbar behind his back; innocently*
Hmm..? Cat burgling?? Your cat breaks into places, you mean?? (HAWHAWHAW!!!!!)
So, you still alive? Still breathing?
Did your petrol last?
Have I ever told you that I had all three of my wisdom teeth taken out once - at the same time??
Now, THAT was fun!!
Well, let this be a lesson to you, young (!) lady.... Always brush your teeth!
I just saw the craziest thing on TV. Might cheer you up a little.... I don't know about England, but German TV is.... a lowdown, dirty shame. I mean, really. All day long, they have those stupid talkshows, hosted by stupid people, with stupid people saying stupid things.... Highly relaxing, actually. Well, today they had this line in their end credits:
"Write us if you would like to discuss the following topic:
My life is hell. I can't read or write."
This is for real. I was laughing so hard I fell off the sofa.
Hope you're not actually laughing now. Wouldn't be so good.
Well, just surprise me when (if) you feel strong enough to go out again (esp. with me).
Just don't choose one of those days when I'm involved in one of my..... shady.... activities!!
Get well soon.

Your little devils are waiting.

OWWWWWWWW!!!
The state of British dentisrty today! Anaesthetise me..stick a few more needles in my mouth for good measure..just so the whole thing is even more bruised, swollen and painful than it would have been anyway..rip out my tooth..throw in a stitch or two...wake me up..make me walk immediately (must provide a good laugh as I couldn't..at all!), then send me home without any anti-biotics/painkillers etc and then let the fun begin!
Slept all day...got up this morning, less pain from gaping hole than yesterday...drove to work (still have a little bit of petrol)...and realised that I had no idea what was going on at all! Not a clue! Looked at paperwork kindly left on my desk for me to deal with, dealt with some of it (ie threw it away..if it's important they'll resend it) and passed the rest to my assistant to deal with (so he can throw it away!) and drove home.
I feel sick, dizzy and more than a little sorry for myself...almost like a date with you!
Speaking of which..perhaps tomorrow?


So....go on...how did you find put which dentist I was going to and how much did you pay him??

Sounds almost like you have a bit of a masochistic streak.... So much pain and suffering (and embarrassment), and you'd like to go out on another date.... with ME.....
I like that!!
Tonight might work out, though I have to rush off to work now. My phone was down yesterday and today (Hello there, German telekom!).
I made a similar experience when I had my wisdom teeth taken out. Allegedly, my sister spoke to me when I woke up the first time, and I fell asleep again in mid-sentence, but I'm not entirely sure she's not just trying to embarrass me. The fun thing is, I don't even remember the drive home, though, again allegedly, we had quite a lively conversation going on!
I think dentists are all sadists who quite smartly chose a profession they could use to live out their rather sick inclinations. One dentist once ripped out a perfectly healthy tooth of mine when I was ten! This whole thing cost me thousands of quid, and the insurance company did not pay a penny!! Sometimes I feel it's better to stay home and simply die of your sickness. It's a lot healthier than going to the doctor.
Well, gotta go. Maybe we can go out tonight. YOU pick up ME tonight! Don't wanna freeze off my nose.... Don't wanna chain-smoke again waiting for you to open your door.... Don't wanna get harassed by your cat again....
And we can work out a plot to retaliate against your dentist. I'm quite good at such things. Hehehe.
Let's destroy his life.

See 'ya!

Hey..been to work..tooth (or rather gap) not so painful (could be something to do with loads of painkillers).
And..finally got petrol!
So I can pick you up..and then we get the dentist!
Usual time?
Oh and wear that nice shirt I bought you..I'm sure you can mend that little rip from our first outing(my goodness that seems so long ago!)..
Don't work too hard..what film you showing tonight?

I don't work tonight (thank God), but tomorrow night I'll show: Nora (ughh), X-Men (double-ugh), Saving Grace (Hurrahhh), High Fidelity (Yes!!), The Patriot (hmm...), Road Trip (??), Gone In 60 Seconds (no comment), Keeping the Faith, Pitch Black, and The Next Best Thing.
A LOT of work!
You can look us up in the Guinness Book of Records! We have been playing The Rocky Horror Picture Show every day since it came out - 24 years ago!! This is the longest time any movie has been playing anywhere on this planet ever!!! And you know what? People still go to see it! It's just amazing how many people decide "Hey, you know what? Let's go see Rocky Horror tonight!" We are the oldest theatre in Munich, too (and that's what it looks like!). If you ever come to Munich, you have to go there: all the movies are in English.
I'm glad to hear you're ready to retaliate against your dentist. You may have suffered, but you're doing better now - well enough to kill, obviously.... So, would you like to do a hit-and-run, or would you prefer to see him suffer a bit.... wreck his life methodically.... destroy his reputation..... bring about his divorce...... and then, the final push over the cliff.....
*dreamy expression*
Oh, I can just see it right in front of me now..... It'll be great.....
*sobers up, doesn't want to worry zuzu, who is new to this sort of thing; knows he has to draw her gently into his underworld*
Just remember what he did to you, and any feelings of weakness (mercy? etc.?) will disappear instantly...
I'll go mend that shirt now.

Do you have a piece of wire I can use?

Umm...not too sure about all this violence!
I was thinking of....well..more a strongly worded letter... or a very big sulk..I find that usually does the trick.
Mouth feels a bit better today..still have a swollen jaw.. and some pain but more back to my irritating self...but with a lisp!
Have only seen "High Fidelity" from the films that you mentioned (good but prefered the book)...but do fancy seeing "Saving Grace".
Well off to havea bath and make myself look beautiful (watch it!)...why do you need the wire by the way??

*thinks*
Dang!! Too early again.... Must be more careful.... Steady, boy, steady..... Let her get used to your personality (a word which hardly does justice to the thing we're actually talking about....)
I haven't read the book, Goethe is keeping me awfully busy....
"Saving Grace", hmmm...? Interesting. Do your students know this? Didn't you say you were a responsible person? "Just say no, kids?" What would the British board of education have to say about a teacher who sees movies that endorse the abuse of high-calibre drugs, such as pot?? Are you even aware of the consequences of such irresponsible conduct??? Imagine one of your students seeing you at the theatre!! "Watcha gonna see, Miss?" - "Uhm..." - "Well?" - "It's called Saving Grace."
(parents look up suspiciously) "What's it about?" - "Hmm...." (female voice) "I heard it's a deeply immoral tale about hippies and drugs and such." (zuzu) "No, really?" (looks at tickets in her hands, trying to put on a rather incredulous air) "Why, I didn't know that... That person at the ticket counter told me something completely different..." (another voice) "Say, aren't you my son's teacher?" - "No... Yes.... I'll go get another ticket.... Some terrible misunderstanding..... Sorry...."
Next morning, you might find an investigating committee knocking on your door.... I can see it right in front of me..."Good morning, ma'am.... May we come in... We're from the House Un-British Aducation Committee (also known as HUAC; great joke, isn't it???)
Spare yourself the embarrassment. Go see "Tigger's Great Adventure", or "Stuart Little", or something equally suited to a woman of your position.
Actually, I quite liked Tigger.... Tears, laughter.... Was a bit too tense for me, though. I have trouble with those action-loaded yarns. Couldn't sleep for a week.
Why do I need a wire? Well, wanted to use it to mend my shirt, actually, but now, come to think of it, it might come in handy to pick one lock or another... You know what can happen on a night out with ME (though, let me state this again, all I find this sort of thing terribly embarrassing, and it's just not my fault.... these things just keep happening to me, as my boss will be all too ready to tell you)....
Until then... Take care (and you best keep your mouth shut)

Only wanted to go and see the film!
Sorry..will think more carefully next time!
So what else has been happening to you? Or perhaps I don't want to know?
So cinema out. What shall we do tonight..don't forget I have the car (and a tank full of petrol, now!), so the world is our oyster as long as I'm home quite early (got school tomorrow!)
Still haven't forgotten the dentist though!
No Phil, I think it's better if I drive...I really don't think you should be allowed out on the roads just yet, and I like my car in its current shape.
All set?
Tell where to go then...can't see too well. None of the street lights appear to be working around here!

You really are doing better now. You're back to your same old, offensive self.
So now you got a shortage on light bulbs, too? No wonder the English are so reluctant about the EU.
They know they simply cannot uphold the standards. Pity.
Whoops...
*grabs wheel*
That shape towering in front of us is actually a tree.... You sure you don't wanna let me drive? Don't forget, you're just a woman, after all.... Ouch! Here we are again... Abuse....
We could take the tunnel and go to the Octoberfest. It started yesterday (hey, it's a small world).
Nothing much's been happening to me, except work, work, work.... This is no life.
I'm taking my mid-exams at the beginning of October, so I'm awfully busy. Still got around 2300 pages to read and learn, but, hey, it's a tough world.....
Watch that deer. No, the other one.

What was that?
"Watch that dear"?..ahh how sweet..
Look pal let me tell you I've been driving for years now (don't you dare!) and never had an accident..well only 2 whilst I've been driving, and both times when I was hit (by male drivers strangely enough!).
If we're going to your Octoberfest I suppose I'd better go and leave the car at home...don't drink and drive either! See paragon of virtue!
We can get a taxi then....OK?
Could do with unwinding work's wearing me out!
And we'd better enjoy ourselves before your exams start...
This could be a good night!

HHUUUAAAWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
*grabs wheel again, slams on brakes (is that a foot underneath his shoe on the pedal?), and tries to somehow bring zuzu's "car" (thing actually defies description) to a halt*
Yes.... Ohmegoshohmegoshohmegosh.....
*opens door, lets himself out, not without grabbing zuzu's keys first, lest she run amok again; tries to stand which is hard as his knees are doing a tango*
You're right. Let's take a taxi. Really.
*hails a taxi; opens front door, keeps zuzu from climbing in*
No, I think you should sit in the back.... Now, don't give me that look, it's for your own safety.... And mine... I don't want you anywhere near that wheel....
*to driver*
Octoberfest, please.... Hmm..?? Yes, in Munich.... What? Cash?? Well, how about this....
*leans over to driver, shielding whatever is in his hands from zuzu*
Yes, beautiful, isn't it? Look at the sparkling.... Your wife would love it.... Deal? Great!
Just take the tunnel, and I'll give you directions on the continent.... And drive on the right side, please....
*to zuzu*
Ready? Oh, don't you sulk, now... Think of all the beer.... That's right, smile!

What the hell do you think you're doing???
Just who do you think you are??
You've got some nerve.....
...beer did you say?
...lots of it?
...going out of the country?
...a festival that continues for a long time....with lots of beer?
Oh OK, you smooth-talking devil you! I'll give in...but just this once you understand...and only as I enjoy your company so much obviously...no really..the beer has nothing to do with it!

Oh, really? Is that so?
Well, in that case, what I'm going to tell you now shouldn't disturb you at all: the Bavarian government decided to serve only non-alcoholic beer this year. People get just too drunk.
But this shouldn't be a problem now that I know it's only my precious company you're seeking - isn't it???
I don't know why, but I'm under the impression that you're not completely honest.... That you're just using me....
Could this be true? Has my charm completely deserted me? I don't know... I don't know....
*frowns*
You know, I haven't heard a friendly word from you for a long time.... Though I've taken such pains to make our evenings as entertaining and charming as possible... I don't know....
*calms down*
Oh, this is ridiculous! Sorry. I know no one can resist me. Impossible.
*dirty smile*
You're playing games, right? I get it. The ol' hide-and-seek. Ahhhhh..... I like this!
God, for a moment there I was seriously worried you might - ridiculous thought really - be put off. Well, no need to worry about that, is there? Of course not!
By the way, that's the Eiffel Tower on our right. Wanna go there? Very romantic.... All those beautiful lights at the bottom of your feet.... We might have dinner in a nice, cozy French restaurant (still a long way to go, after all).... Have some wine (good bait, isn't it?)....
We could try some frogs (no, no actual Frenchmen, I mean the hopping variety) or oysters...
Sound good to you?
There, see, I'm TRYING....
I don't know if I can lay the world at your feet, but let me try!
*thinks*
Well, I could aspire to become a politician.... get myself elected then turn dictator.... build up an army.... conquer the earth.... then I could give it to her as a present....yes, that should do the trick.... Good God! Just where are my thoughts taking me again??

Look, you have me all wrong. I'm just a simple girl. (Don't you dare!). I like simple things, little gestures that come from the heart rather than the wallet (just as well eh?).
I had a boyfriend once who had booked a hotel on the Champs Elysees, a table at Maxims etc for my birthday. But, unfortunately he was an idiot who was trying to buy me and I sent the plane ticket back and went out with a group of about 15 friends in liverpool and had a geat time, with people who were worth it!!
So, a French restaurant is great (as are all others!)...been to La Tour Eiffel on many an occasion, would prefer something that meant something to you...
*What is going on here..getting soppy in my old age (leave it) ...told him too much about the real me now...he may have to die......*

Let's go to the riverside part of the 6e arrondissement. I love it here (and, by the way, haven't brought anybody before) - full of bookshops, antique dealers (wouldn't risk buying any of the junk, though), and lovely cafes. Allegedly, there was an artist once whose name has temporarily escaped my mind who walked around with a lobster on a leash. Sound good?
Hmm... told me a little something about yourself at last, did you now.... It may just be my imagination, but did I catch a rather threatening undertone, as well?
*thinks*
Hmm.. Could she possibly be one of us??? But then, us is only myself to me..... That is soo comforting.... Still, better watch out...
Afterwards, we can go on via Verdun - there's a little place which I find intriguing, if in a somewhat sad way. You won't find this in any tourist guides.
Meanwhile, tell me a little more (but only if it doesn't involve further, possibly terminal, abuse for my person...)

ok..sounds interesting...know a few interesting places in Paris myself..lived there for a year..once upon a time.
...ahh those crazy days of my youth. one of my pupils told me she thought I was 22 today...that girl will go far!
Stopping off in Paris is all well and good, but I am a little concerned by the lack of festival (and so lack of beer)..but I suppose a little stop up to replenish wine supplies would be good (and cheap!)
Ok.. a little sight-seeing, a glass of vin, and I like buying junk!
Let's go!

Where exactly did you live?
Are you sure that girl meant you were 22 of age? Didn't she rather mean you were of caliber .22?? Hmm...
*points at window*
Hey, look at this! What a beautiful hat! Women used to wear this sort of thing back in the roarin' twenties!
*looks at zuzu*
Would fit you quite well. Well, it was fashionable in your youth, wasn't it? I'm sure this is waking memories of times long past?
*takes a step back*
Is that a gun in your hand? Did you bring it in your boot?
Why are you pointing it at me??
Instead, why don't you tell me what it was you did in Paris?
Lemme guess: you were here to see the world exhibition.
*takes back another step*
Are those real bullets you're loading your gun with? Oh, come on, now.... I'm just teasing you..... You know that....
Besides, if you shoot me now, we'll never get to Verdun.... You'll never get to see what I wanted to show you.... It's off the tourist tracks, it is very moving (that's what I thought, at least), and it is one of those places which mean something to me personally....
Now, doesn't all this tempt you to postpone your murderous plans??

Please???

Look..some things just aren't funny!
Most of your so-called jokes for example!
I lived in the outskirts of Paris, in Suresnes, for a while then stayed with various friends in several areas. The best was a little flat on Rue De Lappe in the Bastille...ah memories (yes I can remember that far back...remember I still have the gun!).
What was I doing there? Starving mostly...
I went after I finished my degree, to teach English in a lycee...but didn't get paid for ages...Paris with no money is not an ideal...still all character building stuff! (And what a good character it built!...No need for comments like that, thank you!).
Come on then what were you going to show me? NO! In Verdun!!