h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh Phil..I was even becoming involved in the dream then....
Pizza (with extra anchovies...well you only live once), bucket loads of red wine, a little cosy table in the corner of a quiet restaurant with a fire burning heartily in the grate...
I was even forgetting the drugging, strange rancid cellar, strange men on barges, non-existant shark attacks, ritual attempted drownings and then finally the assault course!
Then, as you have done for the earlier part of the evening, you just go and shatter the illusion....

.....you've invited someone else to come with us....

By the way who is Al? Do you think he'll have any money with him...or per chance a portable beauty salon and dry cleaner's?

*closes eyes as he feels wave of nausea pass over him as he realizes what must be the true extent of zuzu's diseducation*
For God's sake girl! Have you no shame? Do you want to tell me Latin has never been part of your curricular activities? How come a person that is able to actually understand all those number things to do with mathematics (an ability, by the way, that is way out of my range), i.o. (oh, all right, I'll spell that one out for you, too: In Other) words who must have intelligence to SOME degree, does not even understand the simplest, rpt. (Repeat) the SIMPLEST words and phrases that have even become an integral part of the English language?? Is this the true and sad state of affairs of British education??? Are the Beatles all you people have produced??
Jesus, and Americans keep complaining that their system of education cannot compete with any other Western nation! Hah!! I've known seven-graders who incorporated phrases like this into their simple sentences!
*drops to his knees, raises hands towards the heavens*
Is this what you had in mind on that week you decided to create this little idyllic piece of rock??? How could you ever let things come so far?? Have you turned away from us????
*gradually calms down; gets up*
All right. All right. Let's just stay calm. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
*breathes out*
Okay. I'll just tell you now, once and for all. Listen closely while I shall attempt to enlighten you. Ready?
"et alii", as you may have guessed by now, is a Latin phrase. It means "and others", enabling the user to a)shorten his sentences, and b) make himself look good.
I could also tell you a lot of things now about cases and such (this being the first case plural, but forget this), but I don't want to confuse your poor muddled brain now more than necessary.
I hope this terrible slip is due to confusion stemming from tonight's rather unusual circumstances.
Ahhh, those mathematicians! Given all that intelligence, and then let it go awaste in such a ruthless way!
Also, I can tell you, I wouldn't bring along anyone tonight, esp. (Especially) not Al of all people!
*looks zuzu up and down*
Well, there are still things that speak for you.
Whatever makes you think you need a beauty salon? Beauty salons are the places only the less blessed among us go.
Certainly no need for you! (Ahhh... Isn't that nice??)
Come on. Let's go now. We wouldn't want you to catch pneumonia!

*Turns to looks at Phil, giving him a look-pal-it-was-you-that-got-us-into-this-mess-and-now-you-have-the-audacity-to-question-my-intelligence-unblinking-stare*
Look pal it was you who got us into this mess and now you have the audacity to question my intelligence!
Ok ok so my Latin is a little shaky these days....well sort of non-existant shaky...but that doesn't make me a bad person!
Well doesn't prove I'm not either, but hey, you could give me the benefit of the doubt! I can be quite nice really especially to small children and dumb animals, even nicer to dumb children and small animals but did you take that into account before you started on your tirade of abuse? Did you? DID YOU?
*Feels herself going off on one of her impassioned speeches that tsend 7th graders to sleep in assemblies*
No! Oh no...patronise the poor little female! After the amount of alcohol and whatever else it was you put in that cocktail earlier you're lucky (debateable point here) to have me here at all! I happen to speak fluent French and it was the "et" part of the phrase that threw me..only momentarily.......but I'M SORRY!!!
Achoo!!!!
*Starts shivering, sniffing and sneezing uncontrollably*
And now *sniff*....AND NOW!....
To cap id all off I dink I haff a cold...
*Mumbles* Wish Al was here ad leasd I wouldn'd be in a foresd with Hannibal Lecdor's lovechild...freezing to death...

Oh...
*Phil feels a strange emotion kreeping up on him; what could it be? feels strange and very unusual... thinks he's heard about this somewhere sometime; oh yes, someone once described this sort of thing as... what was it? oh, yes... guilt, I think they call it*
Oh, I'm...
*what's the phrase you're supposed to use in this sort of situation?*
I'm... sorry...
*thinks to himself, quite surprised*
My God! No one's ever managed to actually make me use that phrase before... What's this girl doing to me?? Am I... Could I possibly be...
*shrugs off the very ridiculous thought that tries to pick its way into his brain; however, resolves to be a little nicer in the future*
Oh, come on now... I'm cold, too, and hungry... That sort of throws me into a bad mood...
*thinks of something nice to say*
Uhm... Like your hair... The way it...
*closer look*
Sort of hangs down your head, damp, in a mess... That makes you look very attractive, in a rugged sort of way...
*hopes she doesn't take that the wrong way*
You're one of those people who look good under any circumstances, aren't you?
*takes off his shirt, puts it around her shoulders*
Come on, now... You'll get warmer soon... Could we please get into that blasted forest without any further discussions? Please???
And by the way... Please refrain from saying anything too offending about Hannibal. The man was my godfather, after all.

Dankyou. atishoo! Id's very dice of you do give me your shird.....
Hey you are quide muscular in a scrawny sord of way...achoo!
*Suddenly softens towards him in a moment of weakness*
Doh, I'm sorry doo....id was my idea do cross dhe river, don'd suppose id was your fauld dath non-existand shark made you drop me....sniff...
*Gets side tracked by strange feel of shirt on her shoulders*
Quide an unusal maderial dhis shird? Almosd fits me like a second skin.....
*Nasty thought re-enters her head for the 32nd time that night. She grabs mental broom and tries to sweep it away to a farflung corner of her mind where she never bothered looking for stuff, and attempted to convince it to stay there. She desperately hoped he wasn't a serial killer after all. Not only was she due back at work the following week, but she was almost beginning to quite like him*
Righd...the foresd...achoo!
Do you really like my hair? Not quite in dhe same sdyle it was when I lefd dhe house dhis evening I fear..but dhanks!
DId you manage to ged thad flashlighd to work?
OK...afder you

You like it? I tailored it myself, you know...
And yes, I do like your hair.. Also like what's underneath it...
God, I'm HUNGRY!
*gives zuzu an estimating, somewhat strange look*
Feel like liver tonight...
*stumbles towards the forest*
Okay... Let's see if we can pick our way through this underbrush... Thank God for your flashlight! What else you got in your boots? Something that might still come in handy tonight, after all?
So, tell me about yourself for a change... Teacher, eh? You know, next week I'll do a seminar for German pupils who have finally come around to facing the fact that their English is next to non-existant, and also the fact that the final examinations are getting closer and closer (seem familiar?)... An experience I'm not entirely sure I'll be able to enjoy...
Any tips on how to subdue rebellious little monsters, then? Should I bring a gun when I return their tests??

OW!!!!
How did dhat prickle ged dhere?
Stupid foresd....Any chance of you shing dhad dorch in my padh for a change? I've med several pod holes and quide a few drees now ad close quarders...in facd one if dhem is wearing half of your shird now...
Deaching..did you have to remind me? I do enjoy id . DHe children, on dhe whole can be vastly enderdaining. Did I dell you I was responsible for 289 of dhe liddle loves? Besd way do keep dhem in dheri place..lods of shouding always works well, and also dhe facd dhad ...well...I acdually like dhem, and I dhink dhey know dhad doo...ahh....
Dhe gun is nod a good idea, and will probably be frowned upon by parends (nasdy dhings) and other respectable and responsible people.
Can I ask you how you knew I was a madhemadician?
DHis cold is really annoying me now...wonder if dhere's any paracedamol/vidamin C/andi-biodics in my boods?
*Stops and and takes off water-logged boots, and in fact finds all 3...places various tablets/powders/medicines in and mouth and washes them down with water from boot*
Knew dhey'd come in useful on a dade!
*Realises Phil has strode off ahead*
Hey waid for me!!
By dhe way we're going in dhe wrong direcdion..dhis way leads do dhe cemedary....

Dang, she knows the area...
Okay, you take over. Here's the dor- torch, I mean.
*disapproving look*
Where the hell's the other half of my shirt?? Oh well... I can always make a new one...
289, you say?? TWO HUNDRED EIGHTYNINE???? WOW!! You must have some qualities that have evaded me... Like nerves of steel, lots of practice dodging bullets, a very loud voice et al. (<-- get it now???)
Amazing!
How did I know you were a mathematician? Well, let's just say I know a lot of things, I never go to a slaught- date, I mean, unprepared, I have my ways, and let's just leave it at that. For your own safety, let's.
*thud*
Goddammit, shine the f#*+?=# flashlight in MY path!! Thank you... Wow, now that is one big tree... Hard, too.
I also know you teach in Liverpool. Quite knowledgable, aren't I? Is that were you are from?
*BANG!!*
HEY!!! Goddammit, what IS it with this forest??
*shouts into the darkness*
I'm a MAN, not a DEER, thank you!!!
*some distant rustling as someone runs away*
Good God! What a night... Hope we'll make it to that restaurant alive... Or me, at least...

Righd, now you know whad id's like nod to be able to see properly!
Ha Bood's on the odher food now isn'd id? Which probably explains why I haven'd been able to walk properly for dhe lasd 5 miles....
*Thinks* "I hope these cold cures kick in soon..talking like this and continually sniffing is driving me even more insane than I was when I first came out! Glad I took the percaution of hiring that under-cover-acting-as-a-poacher body guard though...amazing what noe can find on the internet these days!"
No, I'm nod acdually from liverpool. What?
Will you keep up please...
*Shouts to a disappearring Phil currently fighting his way out of a bush*
and please don'd snivel, a mosd unaddractife feadure in a man, or deer come do dhad. Look dhad bruise will go down soon enough and I'm sure it won'd affecd any of your capabilidies...well nod too many anyway.
I'm from the south (Hey I said "th" those concoctions must be kicking in!)....
Whad about you? Are you acdually (damn) Bavarian? See I do listen!
Look!
*Woodland begins to thin out and a small line of cottages appear*
Let's go and see what's down there.
Phil?....
PHIL?!
*A bedraggled Phil appears from behind a tree, now wearing waht appears to be tribal warpaint*
What are you up to now?
Wash it off..and let's find dinner.

*quickly hides shining blade behind his back*
Warpaint? What warpaint? Those must be smears... of something or other...
*quickly rubs off which, in fact, are smears, though of blood, which he doesn't want zuzu to see, for obvious reasons*
Ahh; at last, something resembling civilization... Food...
*thinks*
Good for zuzu.
*hits a friendly chord*
The south, eh? Doesn't surprise me... Thought you had something of a provincial air...
*stops in his tracks*
No, wait... I'm sorry! Let me take that back! I have to get used to this role of being a gentleman... If I slip now and then, please forgive me!! I'm trying, see? I'm making a real effort here!! Really!
Let's try again... No, I'm not Bavarian, of course not!! In fact, I'm not even German. Just guess where I was born... A pretty big city... In a country called... well, I'll give you this small hint: starts with an "A"... has seven digits... If you don't get it now, I'll really have to question your geographical abilities... Also, I've already thrown you a few hints now and then, I think... (see? You DON'T listen at all; but what the heck, isn't that the trouble with women in general?)
*some more pressing thoughts occur to him*
Food... food... hungry...
*continues inside his head*
meat... meat... need meat...

RIght let's get a move on. Oh good, you've cleaned off that mess.
Looked like you were about to audition for Kiss!
Right follow me, let's get to this restaurant....talk about building up an appetite!
Now obviously I could sense the American influence, but it was just with the hints to your ancestors. I thought (yes another one), that you may have started out in Bavaria!
So which city are you from? No more clues please I can't think on an empty stomach...or indeed at all some may say!
And Bavaria now then?
Now just look where we are now!
*As they turn a corner a whole row of shops/bars/restaurants come into view*
now look what happens you you follow my advice! Whatever would you have done without me?? No, don't answer that...another rhetorical question!
Right...pizza wasn't it?
But usually they want you have a shirt and tie on before letting you in...you don't have either..not a good start....Do you really not have any money? Credit card?..we'll have to go and get you a shirt at least before eating...no we'll but you one this time...in cotton! Perhaps a new frock for me too, seeing as this one is slightly the worse for wear...but the boots stay!
This looks like a nice trendy boutique!

Yes, looks trendy... Also expensive... Did you forget that we seem broke? I know... We'll just walk right in... You keep the clerk busy, and I'll find us something. And take it. And then leave.
Concerning my nationality.... hehehe... you just walked right into it... though I must admit that the clues I left were designed to achieve exactly this!
Actually, the country that starts with an A and has seven digits is: Austria - hehehehehehhe!
And that large city is in fact Vienna.
However, I moved away from there at a pretty early age, to the north of Germany, which none of my family enjoyed too much... Then we moved to America for a while (for various reasons, one of which I suspect has something to do with that bank robbery that coincidentally took place before the day we left and remains unsolved, but I lack evidence, which may be a good thing), and then to Bavaria, which is really not like the rest of Germany at all, much more agreeable.
I think I'll stay here in Munich for as long as my studies will take (ten more years?), and then find a nice place somewhere. In fact, England keeps crossing my mind.
*sees blue lights flashing in the distance; gets a little worried; then a police car approaches*
Uhm... Excuse me for a moment...
*hides in a dark entrance and watches coppers pass by; then reemerges*
Thought I saw a penny in there... Guess not...
Okay. Let's walk into this boutique, and pull this thing off...

Actually I think I got the clues quite right...I'd also seen the Vienna stuff on your introduction...I did say a move to America, then a return...however..you must still be quite young then..all those many years left to study...
*Remembers back to her long gone youth......then wonders what he's doing.*
And as to your robbery idea,, I am shocked!!!
You must remember I am an upstanding member of the community..a role model, no way can I take place in such a heist....
Phil, what are you thinking of!?
*Fiddles around in boots again, and finds her credit card...which she was hoping not to have to admit owning.*
Come on ..my treat.....
No...not the designer stuff!

Ohhhhh.... And for a moment there I was hoping to stock up my cloakroom...
Your credit card sure comes in handy... At least I know now how to take care of the restaurant bill, which I expect will be rather large.
So, a role model, hmm?
How do you expect people to believe this after seeing you hanging around with me, then??
I have quite a reputation, you know... Don't know if people will still find you respectable after spending a night with me (never mind the circumstances).....
Concerning my youth, that's a very relative term.... My body may be young, but my spirit has ripened to excessive wisdom. Say.... Don't you find this sort of attractive????
Okay, let's buy that shirt.... Maybe we'll find something even for you! Though I usually find shopping with women a very trying experience. Please don't take longer than those ten hours most of you seem to find fit as a minimum for choosing a pair of socks, and then rejecting it at the last minute.....
I'm really hungry for y.....
Pizza, I mean!!!!
*thinks to himself*
For goodness' sake, man, pull yourself together!!!!!

Just one shirt for you and a new frock for me.
*She looks Phil up and down*
I must say you don't look too young...must have had a hard life! (if this evening's anything to go by, I'm not surprised!).
But can we get you the shirt from the children's department as it'll be cheaper (we'll find one to fit I'm sure!).
Now my frock
*Flicks her way through the rail quickly*
This one I think!
Listen pal I am not your stereo-typical woman...come to think of it no female I know is....so where's that stereo-type come from..*.looks at Phil suspiciously*
I'll just try it on, I rather fear i've lost some weight as well as my sanity and soon my finances tonight.
*Fitting room curtain is pushed aside, and after much twitching of material, she re-enters resplendant in new evening gown*
This'll be fine...no I'll wear it now.
*Phil is stll hunting for shirt. She pulls out pale blue cotton number*
Try it on and stop faffing....I need food!

That??? I strictly refuse to wear that!!!
But yes, you look great! Though I might repeat myself when saying that there's hardly anything that might make you look bad...
Also, I strictly refuse the children's department! Say, who brought you up to be so vicious??
Listen, there's this Armani shirt I saw back there... I'm not trying to bag in on things I couldn't afford by myself, it's just that this is the least that seems fit for going out with you...
Oh, and I'm not so sure it's just a stereo-type, you know... Have made to many experiences to believe that... There was a girl once who took 5 (five!) hours to choose a blasted pair of jeans.... I'm glad you're of the other variety, though.
By the way... Do I really look as if I've had a hard life?? I'm not saying I didn't (what with evading the police and all), but I never really thought people could tell merely by looking at me...
So, don't you find that attractive?? Tragic hero and all? Like that nurse in the English Patient?? Don't you women fall for this sort of thing?

Sorry Armani's out..nothing wrong with bargin basement section though...
I am a little concerned by your sudden flattery now money is involved...but nevermind,
I suppose I do fall into taking care of the tragic hero and supporting the underdog sort of women category...hope you're not looking for a mother figure young man! Do not want to taken for a cradle snatcher (how old are you exactly by the way?)
You are not wearing a shirt with a print like that! Put it back!
Will you please hurry up..I'm ravenous...and in desperate need of a drink.

What, you don't like palm trees and stuff? Pity...
You know, I'm starting to find all those attacks and rather vicious puns on my apparent age a bit insulting.... Seems almost like YOU have a problem with YOUR age!! Oh well, no reason for you to worry.... Look at the bright side: you can look forward to receiving your pension in a couple of years... Isn't that nice?
As to your worries, I can assure you, one mother is quite enough, thank you. Especially MY mother.
*picks up black shirt with skulls on it*
How about this?
As to your question: I'll have a decade longer to live than you, hehehe.
*thinks*
Actually, considering my plans for tonight, it's more like 60 years.
If you don't like this shirt, just pick one for me. If you're in desparate need of a drink, I'm about to die of thirst.

Black skulls are out thankyou!
You obviously have no taste, except where I'm concerned of course!
I've already picked out a nice sensible blue one for you.
*Phil tries on shirt and it fits perfectly*
There..lovely...right..to pay..I trust you'll pay me back at a later date?
Pensions aren't very much to have to live on you know!

*Drags Phil out of shop and into nearby pizzeria. Calls over startled looking waiter and orders a large bottle of Chardonnay and an orange juice for Phil (joke!)*

*Takes a large swig on bottle, then pours out 2 glasses*

Now, the menu...
What do you fancy?

*Phil is a bit quiet about this orange juice thing; thinks of a way to retaliate; looks at the menu*
I think I'll have this Pizza flambe´...
*still quiet; then says in an altogether rather icy voice*
I think I'll pop over to the bar for a moment..... Why don't you wait here and keep your seat warm and just call me when the food arrives?