h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My who's being vicious now?
*Staggers to feet and realises that neither her legs or arms work properly, fortunately (for Phil!) her ability to speak is unimpaired*
Down the stairs?
You mean to the cellar??
*Gets very worried (again) as a damp putrid smell fills her nostrils (also working)*
Where are you taking me?

No no no! You got me completely wrong! Not the cellar! (That's reserved for later, hehehe...)
You see, this house is a bit on the strange side (the HOUSE, that is, NOT ME, let this be stressed), and to find your way places you have to think five-dimensionally. Sort of. And it always, for some reason I haven't able to fathom yet, involves climbing stairs.
*steers her towards the stairs*
Come on. Let's go. It's completely harmless. Really.

I'm completely armless (nevermind that "h") and legless now...
*Poor muddled brain, not good at the best of times (of which this isn't) gets very confused*
5 dimensionally?
Two are more than enough for me at the moment.
So where exactly are you taking me?
*More worrying thoughts enter extremely poor and totally muddled brain*
And more importantly...why????

Well, isn't it completely obvious? Have my drinks had such terrible and devastating effect on your brain?
I thought my intentions were perfectly clear!
You see, we are physical beings, with physical needs... It's perfectly natural. Nothing to worry or feel agitated about at all!
We are going -
to get some food.
I'm hungry. Starvin' in fact. So could we please get down those blasted stairs now? PLEASE?????
*arms are starting to shake; wonders*
I think I just ruined any chance of being taken seriously as a man... I really think I did...

You mean you've totally rejected all my offers?
Those rabbit kebabs would have been wonderful you know.
I'm quite a good cook.
*Thought begins to penetrate befuddled brain*
Are we going out to eat then?
I love eating out.
Is the weather good? Can we find a little bistro and sit outside?
*Reels as cold air hits her and suddenly feels very drunk again. Legs definately don't work properly. Attempts to prop herself up against Phil (sorry) but has forgotten arms don't work either. Has catastrophic combined effect*
*Thud*
Ow!
Aren't those stars lovely?

Are you really, I wonder...
Stars? What do you mean, stars?? Look at the sky! Lotsa clouds, but no stars!
*attempts to help her up*
Umph... Might wanna have less kebabs in the future...
*after considerable wrangling (this has actually nothing to do with anything at all, just a fleeting thought that just occured to me and that methinks is of some interest, at least to me: did you know that at the end titles of The Silence of the Lambs it says "moth wrangler"?)*
There you go... Whoops, still a little shaky...
Hey, you know what? See that river over there? See the stunning moonlight and all? Let's go take a walk. Might find a nice restaurant, too.

Walk he says! Walk?!
*Tests legs..seem a little steadier*
Ok, we can try.
Not sure I appreciate all these jibes about my physique. I'm just big boned.
(So is moth wrangler an anagram of anything? Yes I am interested..see I can be sometimes!)
I do like to be by the water too..
This is actually very pleasant. Such a lovely night.
*Smiles without any trace of worry for the first time in ages*
*Breathes in cool night air and head begins to clear*



So when we get to the restaurant do you think that the bar will be open?

Hehehe... I think it will be...
Let's buy it when we get there.
MOTHER With Raw ANGLeS (???????????????????) No, perhaps not.
Ahhhhh, lovely, ain't it. I find this hugely enjoyable, too.
So, what is it you do BESIDES DRINKING?
One might get the wrong idea, you know...

Well, occassionally I sleep!
Only not enough!
What sort of restaurant is this by the way?
It's been too long an evening to think of any anagrams now..perhaps after my meal?
(I eat lots too..given half a chance!)
*Puts out hand*
Where are my manners? Don't think we've been introduced properly?
Nice to meet you anyway..feels like this evening's gone on for ages..so much has happened.
And yet the night (if not myself) is still young..
*Wonders ...what could possibly happen next?*

*a huge pterosaurus emerges from the sky, curves over heads of very surprised zuzu and Phil; is then attacked by a very large frog with wings which sits down on its head to beat the s**t out of it; both disappear again*
Uhm... Yes...
*turns to zuzu*
You see that???
*tries to figure this one out, then shrugs it away*
Oh, well.
*puts out hand, as well*
Yes, nice to meet you, too.

Well that's the formalities over with.
*Looks at Phil increulously...alittle perplexed*
Does this sort of thing happen often whilst you're around? See, I'm just a very ordinary girl, who leads a very simple life.
But this is exactly what I've been missing...a little excitement! I can see this is going to be lots of fun!
*Peers into night sky*
Are those lights down there? Civilisation...and more importantly food. Can't go off on adventures with half a hangover and no supper.
*Brightens up even more as her stomach rumbles again. Takes in beautiful scenery and sighs*
OK Einstein how do we cross this river then?

Let's take off our clothes and swim. You first, hehe...
No, I'll find us a more discreet means. Of crossing, I mean.
And yes, this sort of thing keeps happening to me all the time. I don't find it exciting, just hugely embarrassing, esp. when on a night out with a girl. God knows what'll happen next. I can't bear to think of it.
So, let's just keep walking. I'm sure something more or less adequate will come up.

And a swim could have been just what I needed!
*Quickly puts clothes back on and blushes as she realises it was only a joke. Hopes he didn't notice*
Good job I put on my hiking boots with this frock then. I had a feeling you were an outdoor kinda guy and I do always like to be prepared as well as making a fashion statement.
*Realises he hadn't complimented her on her choice of outfit..or indeed anything all evening. Suddenly starts to feel very unappreciated.*
How many of these girls do you go out with?
And....
*Sudden horrible thought comes into her mind*
.....what's happened to them? I mean where are they all now?
*Memories of putrid damp smells coming up from the cellar return to her. He had also said that the cellar was "for later" too. Thinks "Must keep him talking and on the track of finding a way across this river" and wishes she hadn't shown him quite as much flesh earlier..."He was talking about Silence of The Lambs too" (LONGER WARMTH by the way).....shudders but tries to remain cheerful and not look scared*
Right..a way across this river...

*sees something, turns to her and sees her tucking away at her clothes*
Hey... What have you been up to? Don't you want to have dinner first? Let's not rush things...
*turns towards river, points at a small barge coming towards them*
See that? Maybe he'll take us across.
*waves to barge; waits for it to arrive*
By the way... Did I ever tell you I like your outfit? (though I think the combination of frock+boots is a little on the strange side...)
*barge comes closer; arrives; inside stands a tall figure, dressed in a long, black coat; in its hand, it holds a sickle; over its head, it has pulled a black hood, underneath of which it seems almost as if its eyes slightly glowed red; the barge stops moving right in front of zuzu and Phil; the figure ceremoniously extends a hand, pointing at Phil with bony fingers; out of nowhere, a layer of fog has lowered itself over the scene, which under different circumstances might have given the situation quite a romantic touch, but now seems cold and rather threatening*
Ahm... Hello, there...
*figure keeps pointing at Phil*
Of the quiet sort, are you... Hey, listen... Never mind us (esp. me), just go... wherever you were planning to go...
*quietly, hoping out of zuzu's hearing range*
Check back later during the night. Might require your assistance then.
*the figure withdraws hand in a way that seems almost dejected; magically, the bark moves away again, as does the mist, coincidentally; Phil is a bit quiet about this for a moment or two*
Yes. See what I mean????

That's right let our only chance of getting across this stupid (although I did find it quite romantic earlier) river get away.
I got quite chilly then. Was hoping your chivalry would extend to you lending me your jacket.
He was a bit strange don't you think? Then again I don't suppose you would notice. It took you ages to notice my outfit and I'd made such a special effort.
Yeah quite creepy and well...you'll think I'm being fanciful...quite threatening...
You seemed to have a bit to say to him, but not much in response to my previous questions.
But it was a lift though across this water.
Hey look!
*She points to a sign post*
Doesn't that mean it's a ford?
We can cross there....now a gentleman would offer to carry me across, so I don't ruin the polish on these boots...
Shall we try?

Hmm... Now all of a sudden I'm muscular enough, am I? Now that your precious boots might get wet. I can see my place in the order of things now... But of course, you can always count on my chivalry!
*mutters to himself as he takes off jacket and puts it over zuzu's (quite delicate-looking) shoulders*
Whoever was that idiot who made people adopt this idea of men having to be chilvarous...
*lifts up zuzu; then grins mischievously*
Whoops... Sorry... Lets see if we can't get a grip on someplace else...
*tries again*
Here we go...
*carefully finds his way into the ice-cold stream*
Freezing... Freezing for you... Now isn't that nice of me...
*thinks*
Hope she buys that.
*sudden look of alarm*
Hey, you hear that splashing sound?
*worried look around*
Hey, what's that?? Looks like a fin that is moving towards us...
*briefly considers hurling zuzu at that thing coming closer and closer; then thinks better of it*
Okay, let's try and see who's faster... A little unfair, though, me having to carry this immense weight...
*starts running, which is kind of hard in water, promptly loses balance and drops zuzu*
Sorry... Guess I just ruined your boots. But this is what happens when you go out with outdoors people like me.
*grabs her ankle and drags her to the shore; realizes that those gurgles were in fact emitted by drowning zuzu as he arrives*
Whoops again... Sorry. But don't worry. I'm pretty good at mouth-to-mouth, hehe.
*proceeds with reviving zuzu*

Cough splutter...gurgle....phhhhhssssh.....hhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhh...cough...
*Comes to for the 3rd time this evening to find something firmly lodged in her mouth.
Tries to remove offending article only to find it still attached to Phil.*
Was that supposed to be there?
Cough...gurgle...splutter....cough.....
What happened?
Hey I was right those stars really are gorgeous!
*Lies contendedly in murky pool of water staring upwards. Then realises that she's lying in a pool of very decidedly murky water, and sits up suddenly*
What the hell?
*Eyes a suspiciously dry Phil. Then looks at her own sodden bedraggled self. Narrows eyes and throws filthy (very easy in the not-at-all-clean-circumstances) look at Phil. After listening to the "there was a shark honest" tale, suddenly comes to her senses.*
For goodness sakes man...it was fresh (besides the dumped chemical waste) water!
*Shivers in the cool night air, before realising that Phil's jacket which was once around her shoulders is now merrily flowing down the river*

*thinks*
Damn! Had my gun in there...Quite surprised she didn't feel it. Glad, too... Would hate to see anything happen to her (esp. at my own hands)... I think I really like her.
*pauses, surprised at his own thoughts; after a moment*
Good God. I'm getting sentimental! The things a woman will do to a man...
*shrugs off those ridiculous thoughts*
You know, you're right about the water... Interesting. Makes you wonder what that thing really was. Think I'll have to talk to those people in the nuclear powerplant upriver some day soon.
*points at distant lights*
See that? I think we might find something to eat over there!
Just one problem: there's pretty dense vegetation between us and there... A forest, to be exact. Very dark. And quite lonely.
*pauses and thinks very, very hard*
You have a flashlight?

Strange you should mention it...these boots seem to come equipped with most things... sort of Batman utility boots!
And you scoffed at them earlier!
Only problem is they, along with everything else appears to be waterlogged...soggy batteries are not too good.
*Feels more and more anger towards Phil..what was a lovely romantic date appears to have become an army assault course*
Look perhaps we can dry it all out, and then it might work. That wood certainly does seem very dense (*hopes desperately he'll avoid all puns to do with this and her rapidly fading (not that there was a lot there in the first place) intelligence).
But we'll need something to clear a path...your wit should be sharp enough..
Let's go not only am I hungry I am now cold, wet, tired.....and even more in need of a drink than ever before.

*recognizes something like discontent in zuzu's voice*
Come on, now... It's not that bad, is it? Look, just look at the bright side: you survived a shark attack, managed to evade a very unpleasant character (you really would have got on that boat, wouldn't you?), and then you didn't enter my cellar, either (and that makes you a very lucky person, luckier than some...)!
The night is still young! Well, it used to be younger at some point, but there is still a lot of time left until dawn...
*thinks to himself*
Maybe an eternity for you, who knows...
I'm quite sure that with the help of my abilities and intellect and your... uhm... boots... we'll make it to that lovely Italian restaurant in no time! Picture hot pizza, a glowing fireplace, and lotsa, lotsa wine et al.
Come on! Just a forest that's between us and happiness!
Mobilise all your remaining strength, and I'll treat you to the perfect night out!

By the way... You got any money on you?