h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*E watches the klingon nod in agreement, then closes the com channel*

*Quorn has been standing on the bridge during this time, deciding to save tales of his adventures on Planet Disney as fabled Bar Stories*

*Looking at screen*

Neat, can you do conference calling on that thing...

*recieves various stares from crew members*

...or maybe, watch a movie, I have Deh'bra Does Dallasian....

*more stares*

Whats up with you people, always with the staring....

*heads back to ten forward until he can be of more use*

*E thinks of a use for Quorn...*

Quorn, once we destroy those HS ships...we're going to have quite a few klingons on board expecting bloodwine etc... It's be *really* helpful if you could arrange something for afterwards... After all...we *will* win...

*Wonders if she sounded convincing enough*

*Walks back to weapons console, proud of being able to work the communications. Suddenly the Klingon reappears on the screen.*

Would you please hang up at your end. We can't call out.

*Runs, red-faced, back to the communications console and switches off the channel*

Klingons? *gulp* I hope we won't get messed up in any conflicts between them and anyone else... But I guess they are powerful allies...
*Garius bumps into her when running to the console and has an expression on his face that seems to say: "Why on earth are you standing in everyone's way and talking nonsense by yourself when there's an emergency here and lots of more important things to do??"...*

OK, I want to know the ETA on those HS ships...

15 minutes and closing.

*Walks onto bridge carying a majorly oversized Ion Cannon*

Now is this hardware, or is this hardware?

Are we aiming to destroy or disable?

*Cocks the Ion Cannon*

Great!

Now...erm...there's something I *know* I've forgotten to do...

Oh yeah...



Strangely Green, what can you tell us about the HS ships...anything we can use to our advantage would be just great...

so, destroy or disable?

*Checkout activates his mobile which makes lightsaberesque noises*
Vell E? do ve destroy or disable the approaching wessels?
*The ships loom closer*

*E ponders on the stupidity of the question for a while, then realises it's not all that stupid... There would be advantages to simply disabling the ships...such as finding out what they actually looked like... Then again, they had Strangely Green...who just happened to know whatever they'd need to know about them...*

Destroy them.

Full power to phasers.

Torpedos 1 through 8 ready for launch.

*E watches the klingon ships preparing for battle on the viewscreen for a few moments...*

OK, shields at max, prepare for evasive action, and, most of all, fire at will!

Take us out there...

*Sets the snowball cannon to permafrost mode. Sets the autotracker to follow the lead ship. Is about to fire, when the Klingons are propelled into the path of the approaching ships by a gas release from the cave under the tail of the dog-shaped moon. The Klingons fire wildly at the gigantic ships as they shoot past. Once they are no longer between the Esirpretne and the enemy ships, GL fires the snowball cannon at the lead ship. The snowball impacts the centre of the bagel-shaped ship and fills the hole completely. The extreme cold of the snowball instantly freezes the entire ship and all it's contents. GL begins to reprogram the autotracker to fix on another ship.*

*runs to the bridge after spending time resting on his wierd Bjorg recharging post that is suspiciously decorated with piccys of tennis players, in particular Anna Kournicova and Martina Hingis*

Oh no - How can I be of assistance mr Garius Lupus?

Well, the snowball cannon needs a minute to regenerate. See if you can hit anything with the torpedos.

*Watches on the monitor while the Klingons regroup and head back into the battle, at the rear of the enemy squadron.*

It's hard to make out, but it looks like there are 5 enemy ships. Man, they're huge.

*Notices that the enemy ships don't seem to be firing. Strange ... *

*Quorn runs onto bridge holding two bottles of blood wine and a Klingon tkzee chalice*
Did we win yet???
*HS flagship fires something strangely green. Strangely Green is offended by his former employees' mockery. The projectile heads straight at the Esirpretne*

I guess not...
*Quorn runs to the 'nobodyknowswhatthisdoes' panel*
Sheilds are at 24.334% captain...
We can't take much more of this....

*fires multiple torpedoe pot shots, picking off a few of the weapons systems*

They're still coming captain!!!