h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Looks confused and startled by Croz's apparition appearing in front of him*

hhmm

*looking back at the monitor*

Something isn't right here!!!

*Sense of achievment at this incredible discovery*

*Notices more and more people either spaced-out or motionless.*

Affy, somethings wrong here.

*Pulls out the Mark II Acid Sleetzar and motions Affy to follow. Ducks down a corridor and enters the labarinthine underground service passages. The passages are strangely deserted. Runs along the corridor to the nearest doorway. Leaps into room, brandishing the Acid Sleetzar. The room is deserted, but a computer console is lit up in one corner. GL and Affy walk over to the console and read the last message:

RODENTAR COMMAND TO ALL STATIONS:
MOST ESIRPRETNE CREW ON PLANET. COMMENCE OPERATION "SEVERIN".

*Meanwhile Security Officer BluesSlider is seen heading towards the bridge of the Esirpretne, muttering about having to stay on duty while the rest of the crew are off enjoying themselves*

*Dr. Croz finally wakes up with a splitting headache as if someone had hit him over the head with something very hard.

He looks round but can't see much 'cos the room is dark, so he tries to get up. Unfortunately, he is securely strapped to something that resembles a dentists chair*

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

*Sees a shadow at the other end of the room the size of a large rodent, who is holding a "Retarc Labs Inc. Personality Remover And ZOmbifier Ray (commonly known as a Prazor)"*

Who are you? What do you want?.......


HELP!!!!!!

On the other side of the disney planet strangley green sits on his chair which is raised about ten feet above the floor (battlestar gallactica style).

A Bjorg drone enters.

Bjorg Drone: A report Just in from the Rodents sir
SG: About time, what progres have they made on the capture.
Bjorg Drone: They claim to have a large number of extras and a small number of the regular cast as well.
SG: I will inform the Horrible somethings make sure they don't mess this up. send them 10000 drones to help in the roundup.

Drone bows and leaves.

At last how I have waited for this moment. The crew of the esirpretne in my clutches.

*GL and Affy hear a familiar voice crying for help. They rush down the hall and into a large laboratory. They see Dr. Croz strapped to a table and a large rat-like creature whirling to face them with some sort of gun in its paw. GL fires and the creature is frozen in place. Affy examines the creature.*

It's just as I feared. Mutant rodents. Poor Mickey would be horrified.

*GL and Affy untie Dr. Croz.*

*Checkout wakes up in a dark room to the sound of a snowzar firing*
*Also hears what sounds to be Affy saying "It's just as I feared. Mutant rodents. Poor Mickey would be horrified."*
Affy, is that you?
*Affy and GL enter the room*
AFFY: Don't worry Checkout, ve've got you (Snigger)
*GL helps Checkout to his feet*
Vhat is going on?
Ve'd better get back to the ship...
*Pulls out communicator*
Checkout to Seven, requesting beam out

Seven, do you read?

Oh shitski...

*Thinks. Thinks hard. Sweat forms on forehead. A look of astonishment appears upon his face*

Hey! I think we're in trouble!

*Notices large computer. Jumps over and sits in the chair. Laughs mockingly at the "Password" request. Begins hacking*

GL? Checkout? Get me a donut. I've got some high-quality HACKING to do!

*Slowly begins to understand the evil around them*

Bjorg. Pizzar. Giant rodents. They're all on this planet, along with . . . oh no. THE HORRIBLE SOMETHINGS ARE ON THEIR WAY HERE!


The horrible somethings intend to take over Planet Disney! This is horrible!


*Five seconds. Bursts out laughing at the situation*

*Little Kiddy 1 walks up to conspicuosly dressed Quorn..*
LK1: MICKEY!!
Quorn: No Kid, I'm not Mickey.
LK1: Yes you are.
Quorn: No I'm not.
LK1: But you've gots the ears like Mickey...
Quorn: Yeah kid, but so have you... *points to kids Mickey ears*
LK1: Oh yeah! But you gots the gloves like Mickey.
*Quorn looks down and realizes he's wearing big white gloves with four fingers and three knuckles*
*embarrassed*
Quorn: Yeah, sorry, I can see how that can be confusing...
LK1: And something else too...
*Quorn thinks 'what else?'. Quorn realizes and glares at kid*
Quorn: Kid.... Are you making fun of my nose...
LK1: My momma always said Mickey mou-
Quorn: -Kid, you making fun of my nose?....
*Little Kid 1 sobs*
Quorn:Aw, aw no kid, don't cry. I'm not Mickey, but I can take you to Mickey.... would that make you feel better?
LK1: *sob**nod*
Quorn: Okay!
*takes kid over to suspicious character with large MM ears. Looks more like Roland Rat than Mickey Mouse. He is also brandishing a gun badly disguised as a trumpet*
Quorn: See, this is Mickey.
MMlookalike: No sir, I'm not Mickey...
*Quorn glares at MM lookalike*
Quorn: *hoarse whisper*, Listen, bub, I got a screamin' child here and he'll stop screamin' if he thinks you're the real deal.... c'mon, play the game....
MMlookalike: Sir, are you makin' fun o' my nose...?
LK1: He isn't Mickey
Quorn: Yes he is. *to MMlookalike* you ARE Mickey, aren't you!!?
MMlookalike: You have a big nose too, you know!
Quorn: That's it!! *pulls off gloves*
*MMlookalike pulls off trumpet to reveal badly disguised gun*
Quorn: HOLY SHHHH-(sees Little Kid 1)-HLLLLEEETZARS!! They Disneyland staff have gone postal!!
*MMlookalike removes MM ears*
Quorn: Oh, you're just a Rodentar..... WHAT!?!
*FormerMMlookalikeRodentar points gun at Quorn and LK1*
*Quorn dives, for cover, grabbing LK1*
Quorn to Esirpretne! We've got Rodentar all over the place. I think they've infiltrated the Disneyland staff. I think they're all posing as Mickey Mouse. Who knows how many are out there! I am armed with a Little Kid, request advice!

SG : glances at the monitor readout and notices a someone has entered multiple incorrect paswords at one of the terminals. pressing a button clearly marked cause workstation to melt down he chuckles to himself at his cunning.

Bjorg drone arrives with one of the rodentars:

SG: report
Rodentar: our troops have successfully taken over the complex and all esirpretne crew members are being rounded up as we speak.
SG: good, then all will be ready when the horrible somethings arrive. perhaps this time we may succeed....

*Notices that the computer terminal Affy is hacking into has a retina scanner*

Wait a minute, I've had an idea.

*Croz pushes the frozen Rodentar to the retina scanner and the computer is fooled into letting Affy access the terminal*

Er, I'd hurry up and get whatever information you need. I don't think it's supposed to be kicking out all that smoke.

*Beams herself to Esirpretne*
Hello? Is there anyone here??
I saw some of your crew meeting Beatles some time ago but then lost the track of your ship until now... Couldn't help becoming interested in your mission... Any chance joining the crew?

*voice transmission*
I'm sure we'd love to have you as part of the crew, but we're currently under attack from mutant mice, horrible somethings, and not to mention giant turnips.
Please leave a message after the blood-curdling death scream from a man in red, and we'll get back to you in the afterlife. Cheers. *end transmission*
*Blood curdling scream as another man-in-red dies.*

*Affy gets a quick glance at a map before the computer melts.*

Affy: The control centre looked to be on the other side of the planet.

GL: We'll just have to make our way over there somehow.

*GL wanders out and down the hall. Moments later, he rushes back in.*

GL: Come on, I think I found something

*GL leads Affy, Dr. Croz, Checkout and 2 red-shirted extras down the hall and around the corner. In front of them is a tubular chrome and glass vehicle standing in a cut-out section of a larger tube. The gull-wing doors of the vehicle are open and a sign on the wall reads: CROSS-PLANET EXPRESS. The group jumps in and pulls the door closed. The vehicle immediately accelerates into the open end of the larger tube.*

A blip appears on the console in front of strangely green.

SG: at last the horrible somethings have arrived.

Greetings exalted ones I am prepared to make my report.


Horrible Somethings activate transporter and beam SG onboard their ship.

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