h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The police found stolen lamp shades but couldn't shed any light on the thief.

A family with four boys and a history of weak eyes found son-glasses very expensive.

She's happy to make a pair of pants for you, or at least sew its seams.

When a gambler gets up in the morning he has to pick the right suit before he shuffles off to deal with his day.

Coin counterfeiting is a bad mintin' racket.

I was in combat with a cravat it was a Thai fighter

The last bloke I dumped was into shibari, I told him to get knotted.

welcome to the pun thread

so he ate string and got tongue tied

I knew a cosmologist who played the violin. He was interested in String Theory.

He was strongly strung whenever he took a bow

Sanctimonious the 6ft 6ins Roman, thought he was above everyone else

Baseball is known for its pitched battles.

A botanist-turned-prize fighter was penalised for aloe blow.

She hated disruption of any kind. She hated going to hear the Symphony Orchestra because it was full of sax and violins.

There is no such thing as safe sax with violins

Not even in a love triangle?

Not even in a lover's nut

and NOT in the wind section after eating baked beans

all battles are won or lost

the only defeat I know, is at the bottom of my ankles

After I walked through some poison ivy, I knew the agony of de feet.