h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Actually, the sarcasm jibe was directed at the Colonel. He likes to end his satirical comments with a . Very predictable, except when they are omitted and one can't tell what is opinion and what is flippancy.

As for goodies, "pork barrel" items in legislation won't end until the American public wants it to. We're all for cutting the budget, until that pet bridge project or new sculpture for the town park in our district comes under the axe...

Pork barrel spendin is about the fastest way to lose my vote. I would rather vote for a commuist like Nader than for my republican state representative. He got elected four years ago promising to get a fair share for Henry County. I don't want a fair share for my county. I want approriate state funding for appropriate state govenmental concerns in our county.

If we want extras, the county should levy taxes to pay for them, just as other counties should.

I recall one thing that really got me going back at the beginning of the Clinton administration. He decided to fund the Sea Wolf submarine, even though the Navy didn't want it. There aren't very many innocents, I'm sure that repubilcan senator from up there was pushing for it to. I forget his name, but he was the pro-choice republincan who ran in 96 for the nomination.

We need to get a handle on this pork barrel spending, especially at the federal level.

I'm sorry to barge in on your conversation but I got an e-mail this morning which I didn't want to keep to myself:


I must emphasise that I am QUOTING this and had no hand in writing any of it myself.

-----------------------
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australasian accents.
It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to
get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is
a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any m***e. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "M***e" is French for "s**t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

--------------------------------

There have been interviews on German radio, too, with people in charge of election procedure here. They are just shaking their heads at the way this thing is going. The counting is entirely automatised here and results - counted and reliable - are produced within 20 minutes of closing the polling stations. During the first hour after closing (of course, only the one time zone to observe - Yes, in Eastern Germany they have the same time as in the West, and East and West don't exist any more anyway) the forecasts give way to facts and the rest of the evening is free for the politicians to hold discussions and have parties.

I don't know exactly how the counting is done, because I can't vote, but I think it must be like multiple choice exams, where the mark is scanned into a machine.

I must emphasis that I am only quoting here. I have no grudge against Americans at all, but would like to point out what the rest of the world thinks at the moment.

Maybe you didn't have a hand in writing that, but still, it's a great piece... Thank you for posting it.. I haven't laughed that hard in front of a computer in a long time...

So, how's the election going? Any winner?
Maybe this is all an expression of the free market thing? Competition is good, but only as long as no one is winning...

Hmmmm. 2bit thinks Nader is a communist. That puts you about three steps to the right of Margaret Thatcher on the political spectrum, so if you look carefully to your left with a very powerful telescope you'll be able to see Atilla the Hun

Read the Green Party platform, and tell me what you think he is.

Our Secertary of State is wanting to introduce electronic voting. Her suggestion is that we have ATM like cards, and the vote would be sent to the state immediatly. She wants to have a test in 10 to 20 counties in 2002.

I think it sounds like an interesting idea. It sounds a lot more reliable than any kind of paper or card ballot, as long as we can keep the network secure.

In general, I am opposed to any election system that transmits information over the internet or a similar network. I have several hacker friends who agree, and my own technical knowledge tells me that there is no method secure enough for the purposes that is also easy enough for your average American to use. 10 years from now, maybe. Not today.

I would prefer using the fill-in-the-bubble test system that works just fine for things other sensitive things like standardized tests. Ballots can be scanned in immediately, and it is just a matter of each district reporting the results in a timely manner. Bubble tests are counted very accurately, familiar to voters, speedy to process, and immune to hacker attacks.

Ballotting procedures should be standardized nationwide. The only reason they haven't been is that the US leaves it to each individual state to decide the method, some which in turn leave it to individual counties to decide. The result is that the poorest counties in some states keep using outdated and inefficient equipment. What must happen is that the federal government and/or state governments must put forth money to give poor counties the equipment they need.

Most small European countries simply can't grasp the size of America and the cultural clashes within it, and hence don't understand the need for state rights or the genesis behind the Electoral College. I don't blame them. But I really wish they would stop assuming we "have no president." Couldn't the media at least educate them that our next president won't take office until next January? There's really no need to panic, and we will sort this out -- in our own time.

Montana has the fill-in-the-bubble system. We just break out our no. 2 pencils (throwback to school, anyone?) and darken the respective circle. What could be easier than that?

Well, except for throwing a cream pie into your candidate's face!

Seriously, though, I took me all of a minute to complete our ballot. In addition to the federal election, we had state and local choices, and constitutional amendments to vote upon. A month beforehand the state mailed out a non-partisan booklet on all of the choices, with an explanation of the amendments, and pro- and con- arguments after each issue. A sample ballot for those who like their Cliffs Notes is included. No fuss, no muss, no confusion to this method. I've never used the lever ballot--now that looks strange. It looks like sitting at a grand church organ rather than voting.

This is somthing that has been niggling away for a while. What is a carpetbagger? Am I right in thinking it has something to do with politics?

*sniggers meanly to herself over Trillian's Child's e-mail*

The word 'carpetbagger' was originally coined after America's Civil War. The Southern states succeeded, and then presented to coin Confederate money and use it as tender. When the South lost the war, all this coined money was useless and many families were suddenly bankrupt. Businessmen from the North swooped down to take advantage of the situation, buying property and goods for a tiny fraction of their real value.

The end result was devastating for the South, as many family farms were sold and then laid fallow because the Northern buyers couldn't be bothered to tend all their new property. There was a short period where crop levels were so low that people really did go hungry, and some believe the Southern US still suffers to some extent today.

'Carpetbagger' is thus an insult for the unethically greedy. These days, the word can apply to anyone taking advantage of people in a relatively weak social or financial situation.

Thamks. I came accross it somewhere and it was one of those rare occasions where the meaning was not easily worked out. It's used is it? About whom?

I wrote this one last week, but amazingly it's still topical...

..to the tune of Marching Through Georgia

Counting in Florida

They've just had an election, boys, down in the USA,
(in case you hadn't noticed what was on the news today).
Someone should have won by now, and somebody still may
But they're still counting in Florida

Chorus -
Hooray hooray, for Bush has won the day
No way! No way! It's going Al Gore's way
They've found another ballot box, one that got away
While they were counting in Florida.

How the networks shouted when they had their exit poll
Al Gore's gone and lost it, and George Bush is on a roll
OK, so they got it wrong and scored a huge own goal
They're still counting in Florida

Chorus.

Al Gore, he conceded for he thought that he had lost
A profligate election (with a billion-dollar cost)
Then retracted his concession for to make one last riposte
They're still counting in Florida

Chorus.

Yanks call this democracy? It's time that they awoke
All their machinations make electioning a joke
So skin a great big reefer up, and give 'em all a toke
They're still counting in Florida

Chorus.

Though I'm considering an envoi including the legal action, ISTM that it would end up going on for too many verses

Phil

I have the unmatchable pleasure of living in Florida as the media saturates us with so-called "news" regarding this joke they call "an election". I for one would be rather pleased if the media just shut up until the winner has been declared. No matter who wins, the people will always wonder if the voice of the populus has been heard. Although this process is critical to the sustainability of democracy, I have had enough!

42

p.s. i just got here from Utah. i can't blame the pm for not wanting it

ROTFL (first time for that acronym) @ TC's post.

The term "Carpet Bagger" is bing used a lot these days in the UK for those "investors" who place the minimum amount of cash in the mutual building societies (US Saving and Loans?????), which are owned by the investors and borrowers. They then hope or in some cases intsigate votes to de-mutalise and float on the stock market, thus getting a heap of shares, which they sell at the peak. The investors and borrowers are then faced with increase interest rates (for loans) and decreased savings rates as money then has to go to pay the share holders.

CH

You know the email that T.C. revieved and posted might not be a bad idea, we could then merge you with Canada, assuming they have forgiven you for that little incedent in 1812

On an e-mail joke thing "10 reason for being.." was the following

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING
CANADIAN
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the Ground

reasons 4,7 and 10 were the same as 2. I have tried to find out which war this was, and what the capital was at the time - I am assuming it was pre or very soon after independence.

Any Ideas anyone?

CH

That would be the War of 1812, when the British torched the White House. President James Madison's wife, Dolley, saved a number of items from the residence, and successive remodeling jobs in the 1900's and 1940's revealed burned timbers still in the walls.

I don't know if you can lay that squarely at the feet of Canada, since it was largely inhabited (well, except for areas of Quebec and Ontario) by fur traders and Native tribes. I can't really see employees of the Hudson's Bay Company marching down here from their snow-bound posts to do the dirty deed.

helllllllllooooooooooooo

God Bless General Wolfe one of Englands finest - the reasion the White house is painted 'white' is to hide the scorching on the brickwork.